I took the one less traveled by, and that has made All the difference.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both 

And be one traveler, long I stood 

And looked down one as far as I could 

To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim, 

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for that the passing there 

Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black. 

Oh, I kept the first for another day! 

Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 

I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 

I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference.

Sometimes stepping down that road can be the hardest thing, but way does indeed lead on to way. I'm going to tell myself that as I move through this period of life where so many things are in flux. Relationships, paths, they all change. And that's okay. Sometimes it sucks a ton. But it is usually worth it. 

Life is getting serious lately. As I near the end of my undergrad, I am faced with the possibility of leaving friends behind as we move on in life. I'm faced with figuring out my life. 

In light of Advent and Christmas, I think I have found an even greater peace in God. I don't know why. Just the focus on Him, I guess. But I'm not mad at it. Even just today I had a conversation that I felt prompted to have. I thought it was going to be impossibly difficult, but it wasn't. It was hard, don't get me wrong. And I wish there had been a way to avoid it. However, I felt God's hand in it, and that brings a peace. 

Way leads on to way, Sean. Way leads on to way.

Shout for Joy to the LORD all the Earth

Happy Thanksgiving!!! What a day. Mom had a couple friends come over, so it was just four of us. We all pitched in on the cooking. It was great. My contribution was a bourbon pumpkin cheesecake with a spiked cinnamon whipped cream. So. Good. Seriously. But it was just a nice time.

I have so much to be thankful for. I have received some of the most meaningful, loving texts of thankfulness today. In an effort to respond to those, I began to think about what each of my friends means to me. Talk about an emotional experience. In case you don't know, you all mean so much to me. The way each of you has impacted my life is remarkable. I have the best friends in the world, and this year they have meant more to me than ever before. I have my best friend that stays up entirely too late with me playing video games, talks to me about literally anything and everything, is pretty much the same person as me, is 100% there for me on the rare occasion that I say "Hey, I need you", puts up with my emotions, and makes me laugh constantly. I have my other best friend/roommate that is always down for some quality Shenanigans i.e. the flaming Giraffe. He also knows me incredibly well. We don't talk tons anymore, and that's okay. We both know that when we need to talk, the other is always there. It's pretty legit to have that level of comfort with someone. I am thankful for friends that have been with me 6 or 7 years. Schnelly and Lizzy have seen it all. If you want to know what I was like, ask them. They were there. And they were there for everything. They are still there for everything. Neither of them live near me, but it doesn't matter. I am also really thankful for a group of guys. I've never had that before. The fact that I'm planning a guys weekend in KC is blowing my mind. I wouldn't have ever guessed I would have a group of friends with whom to share those kinds of experiences. I have lots of really quality friendships. I have some that came as answered prayers, I have some that just emerged, and I have some that I have to be really intentional with. I love them all. I am so thankful for friends that, I can say with confidence (that's a big deal), love me and want to be there for me.

I'm thankful for Young Life and all that it is to me. I'm SO thankful for my Young Life guys that let me care for them, and care about me. They are the best. Truly. They make me laugh, they teach me so much, and they are just real. I love seeing them figure themselves out and learn things about life, about love, and about faith. I'm also thankful for all of my Work Crew and Summer Staff friends. You all have changed my life. Truly.

I have a loving family. Are we dysfunctional? Absolutely. Does it matter? Nope.

I have talents and gifts to share with other people, and I am the recipient of such sharing from so many.

I have a church that I love. I used to be kind of anti-church, but Grace Presbyterian is just a wonderful place and a really important part of my life.

Most of all, I have a God who loves me like crazy. He is one that provides all these things that I am so thankful for. This year more than ever, I am overwhelmed with thanks. I wouldn't have it any other way.

If I have faith that can move mountains, but not love, I am nothing

Holidays are tough. I feel like everyone feels so many different things around the holidays. There is the excitement of time away from school or work, time spent with family and friends, an excuse to eat really wonderful things, and (hopefully) some good ol' relaxation. However, there are some other things that often go along with the holidays. Stress, some more stress, and a little bit of this thing called stress. Of course stress stems from a myriad of places. For kids with split parents, it's stressful getting all of that worked out. If there's a family member that you have some issues with, you are forced to face those for a period of time. Travel can be stressful. Just planning in general: who is coming, what meals are we in charge of, who's picking whom up from the airport, where is everyone staying, etc.

For me, holidays make me face some of the extreme dysfunction in my family. I know, we all have dysfunctional families. And we do. Every family has its crap, and it is never fun to deal with it. So, I'm stressed. We aren't even having family in Kansas City this year, it will just be Mom, Nana, and me, and yet I am stressed. School still hasn't let up, which is fine, but it still adds to it. Family is tough. My dad has been married twice, with two kids from each marriage. He has Kris and Dave from his first wife, and Dale and me from his second, with 11 years between Dave and Dale. Kris and Dave are 16 and 14 years older than me, respectively. Dale is 3.5 years older than me. Until recently, I didn't have much of a relationship with Kris or Dave. As Kris put it "Sean, I'm sure we had riveting conversations when you were 5 and I was 21". Touche, Kris. But lately, we have been getting closer. It's really awesome. I love knowing that I have three siblings to call on if I need them. I'm closest to Dale, as we actually grew up together. However, I am finding out that I am probably most similar to Kris. At least she and I view things very similarly. I'm really pumped to continue growing relationships with her and with Dave. Like most families, we have issues. A lot of our issues involve our dad. I'm not going to delve into those, but just know they exist. The holidays force us to look at them, resign to them, give up on them, all of the above. It's hard. And it definitely impacts the rest of my life.

I feel like I'm not alone in this. I know that other people experience similar things. I feel it all around me. Every time someone says "I'm excited for Thanksgiving" someone feels the "I mean, yeah, but..." sensation. I know I do. When my family issues are front and center, it affects my relationships. It brings up old insecurities that I thought I was over. I woke up last Friday and thought "wow, I'm decently self-sabotaging in my friendships". And it's true. I am the champion of letting one small thing override a world of good in a friendship. Usually it isn't an issue anymore. I know how to reason my way out of thoughts like those. I think, though, that it is so prominent right now because I have so much other stuff stirring in my heart. Not to mention, last night Aaron said "Well, yeah. That makes sense. And add to that you feeling everything around you as well, and of course it's going to be tough". When I have so many things for my heart to sort through, weed out, promote, and try to suppress, it gets tired. My defenses get spread too thinly. That's when I start listening to things like "That person doesn't actually care about you" or "they only put up with you so you can help them" or whatever it is. And I really listen to them. I'll believe one of those over "I care about you" and "I'm glad to have you as a best friend" and "I love you" no matter how many times affirmations are said to me. And then I get envious, or self-seeking, or distrustful. 

This all started happening at the end of last week. Friday I really realized it was happening. And then I read 1 Corinthians 13.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13

It spells out the qualities and importance of love. I read it three times that day and every time it kicked my butt. And, by the transitive property, you can replace the word "love" with "God" in that passage, because God is Love. And then it'll really get you. But it makes everything okay. As I begin to distrust my best friends, or grow impatient with my family, or focus too much on my desires, I remember two things: the qualities of that passage which tell me about the love I experience and need to share, and Dr. Crum telling me to "Remember the Grace of God". I can hear her saying it always. I am so grateful for those reminders. And sometimes I will still mess up. So, when I'm an emotional hot mess, I apologize. When I doubt you every time you tell me you care about me, I'm sorry. When I manage to twist everything around into some convoluted message that says you hate me, just give me a hug. or two. or twenty. When I appear to be avoiding eye contact with you/conversations with you, it's probably because I'm fighting that battle at that moment and there is some lie that I'm believing. I will get it together eventually. It is just the shittiest thing. But Love is patient, is kind, is not envious, always hopes, always trusts, and never fails. I just forget that sometimes. 

Woof.

This week was something. Many people I know lost a friend this week, and I felt it. Like, I really felt it. My heart was heavy for a few days. It's not a fun thing. I didn't know the guy that passed away, but I was still affected by his death. It straight up sucks when someone so young loses his life. I have been fortunate to only have one person close to me pass away, and that was my dog. I haven't ever lost anyone else. And seeing people deal with the loss of this young man makes me appreciate that so much more. In the very least, we know he is living to his fullest potential in Heaven. I'm a tad envious of that.

Matt, Jacob, and I planned on hanging out last night. We were going to have dinner at my house (I was cooking), go see Guys and Dolls at WSU, and hang out some afterwards. However, with the death, Matt wasn't able to be with us, as he was at the memorial service. And rightfully so. Jacob and I were talking about Matt and how Matt felt bad for canceling our plans. I told him "Don't even think for a second that I would be upset about that." As we were discussing it, Jacob said "In fact, if we had been upset about that, Matt should probably never talk to us again because we would be terrible people". Fact. So, Jacob and I had some quality hang out time with dinner and the show. Afterward we hung out with a couple other freshmen in the dorms. It's good for me to hang out with them. I get really caught up in what is going on, and I forget to enjoy life. I forget to enjoy the company of the people I am with. Being in the dorms reminded me of how nice it is to have people stop by and see how you're doing, and how great it is to know you can walk down the hall and talk to a friend. Not to mention, the shenanigans that ensue are hysterical. "Anything racist is fine by me" - a sweet innocent freshman. WHAT?!?!?! Literally never thought I'd hear those words. I would like to clarify that racism is not okay, and that is not what was meant. I took that quote entirely out of context. No one was being racist. I promise.

This upcoming week could be interesting. I'll be frantically solidifying pieces for an audition, singing in a master class setting, having a conversation that could be interesting, writing music with Matt (It's crucial), and whatever else the week throws at me. I'm going to remain positive. I have to. I need to remain loving. I'm just a happier person when I accomplish that.

Also, I really want to have a guys bible study. There. I said it. I've wanted it for a while, and I've talked to a couple people about it, but I've never had the guts to just start one. I just want to have that community and that fellowship that comes from studying the word together. Any takers?


Also also, TWO AND A HALF WEEKS UNTIL THANKSGIVING BREAK WHICH MEANS FOUR WEEKS UNTIL THE END OF CLASSES WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!!!!! But I'm SO excited to be done. Winter break can get here at any time. Any. Time.

This Almost Sounds Like a Bad Joke

So, a Protestant, a Mormon, and a Catholic all went to lunch together...

But really. Today, I had the pleasure of hanging out with Matt and Jacob. Jacob is a new mention in the blog. He's a freshman this year at WSU. We met through the opera, and have been getting to know each other. It's always fun to hang out with new people and get to know them. Plus, I totally have a soft-spot for the introverted freshmen that don't like being outgoing. Anyway, it really was the coolest thing. The three of us shared a meal together and ended up talking about Jesus. Now, in the event you don't know, Mormons, Catholics, and Protestants are all pretty different. But that didn't matter. We just talked about Jesus, the bible, crazy churches, and some different philosophies. Did I pick up on differences? Of course. Did any of them matter? Definitely not. The three of us realize that people come from different backgrounds, but more importantly we realize that Jesus is the only thing that matters. It doesn't matter if we have different interpretations of texts, or if we believe differently about communion, baptism, church leadership, any of it. The commonality of Jesus being Lord, the Messiah, is what let's us talk so freely. To quote Jacob "It's quite refreshing". Maybe no one else thinks this is cool, but I loved it. And I loved that the conversation just turned to Jesus. None of us went into lunch planning on it. We just wanted to spend some time hanging out. I just think it's great.

Tonight, I found some notes that were written to me in Canada. People talked about my joy, my loving people, my compassion. I feel like if people from school were to read these notes, they would be like "what? That isn't the Sean we know", and that breaks my heart. I hate that I am different at school than I am when I'm around my Young Life community. I need to be consistent. I don't know why it is hard for me to love my peers like I love my high school guys or my friends from Summer Staff. If anything I should show love even more to my peers. So, if any of you read this, I am sorry. I apologize for not treating you the way I want you to be treated.

NATS (National Association for Teachers of Singing) happened this weekend. I took third place in my category, which is nice. NATS is tremendously subjective, and sometimes it feels unjust, but that's okay. Making the finals is the important part. I got to spend the weekend with Matt, which was a good time. We were together constantly from 17:00 Thursday to 21:30 Saturday. And then we hung out again today. Matt did well at NATS. He got 4th in classical and 2nd in Musical Theatre. I am really, really proud of the way he sang. I told Aaron about it tonight. I said "Matt didn't sing the most challenging, impressive thing ever for classical, but you just can't argue with a great voice. Matt has a great voice that he is really learning to use well". Seriously. I could listen to the kid sing pretty much all day. I love performing with him. I'm fortunate to get to share that with him. I'm fortunate to get to work with all of the singers I work with. They are amazing. I enjoy my time with them immensely.

Performing with your best friend is just legit. We don't really talk about much with the music. We just kind of do it and it goes well. Matt and I think the same way. It's a really cool thing. Watching him grow has been one of the highlights of college for me. I love seeing people succeed, but when that person is my best friend, it's even better. I loved getting to be at NATS with him and see him realize even more the talent that he is. People would compliment him, and I'd just glow with pride even though I had literally nothing to do with it. Bridget and I are the same way with the musical aspects. She follows exactly what I am trying to do with the music. Occasionally she and I will have to talk about something, but that's to be expected. Matt and I do, too. But it is very rare with both. More often than not, I only have to tell Bridget about something specific when I don't know how to communicate it well. So it's on me.

If you ever have to perform regularly with someone, let them know your life. I perform better with people that I trust in daily life. Makes sense. If I can trust them with my thoughts and emotions, I can trust them with my music. After all, for me, music is the expression of my thoughts and emotions.

I feel like if a Protestant, a Catholic, and a Mormon can all share a meal together, share lives with each other, and look right passed any differences, then I can be compassionate, kind, and joyous at school. Jesus has done and will do amazing things. He can soften this heart of mine. I just have to let Him. So, here goes. Lord help me.

Why don't I want to want to perform?

It's something to really think about for me. I'm puzzled by it. Part of me has a very real desire to perform. Another part of me is trying to stifle that.

This semester I got the wonderful opportunity to play Sam Polk in Carlisle Floyd's Susannah. Sam is the leading tenor role in the show. That alone is a cool experience. However, I also got to perform with Sam Ramey, who is a world-famous opera singer. As if that wasn't enough, I got to work with the composer, Carlisle Floyd. Working with those two people was truly an invaluable experience. I don't really know how to express it. But I loved it. I really did. I hate admitting that, for whatever reason.

Thus far, I haven't really enjoyed doing operas at WSU for any reason other than the people that I do the shows with. I really dislike waiting on other people to learn music, learn the language, or memorize the text. I'm a quick study and I want to work with people that keep up. I didn't run into those issues with Susannah. There are a number of reasons for that. I only rehearsed with two other actors, playing the same character, and both are pretty professional. They got their crap together quickly, which encouraged me to do the same. The opera was in English so language wasn't as big an obstacle as it has been, although we had to lean to sing in the Appalachian dialect. Also, something about having a world-famous opera star present makes people step up their games. Who knew?

Every tells me I could perform if I wanted to. People tell me I can sing at the Met. They tell me I could sing at all the big opera houses in Europe. They say, because of the size of my voice, that I am able to sing repertoire only about 1% of the population can sing. I believe them. My beliefs also follow that God gifts us each differently, and for a specific purpose. By that belief, how can I ignore all these things? I know that musical ability doesn't mean you will perform. Lizzy has musical ability, but performing isn't anywhere close to her radar. My mom was a child prodigy, but performing wasn't what she was supposed to do. But I've gotten basically through my undergrad, and it is only becoming clearer that I can do it. God gave me a voice. God gave me ability. God keeps opening doors for me to perform. Why am I hesitant?

Marie (the director of opera here at WSU) asked me "Sean, is it because you are worried you won't find work? That's the only reason to not want to want it that I can think of. And let me tell you this: You will find work. There is no doubt about that". So, that's no longer a viable fear. I think I am scared to want something that isn't concrete. I don't know what a performing career looks like. It isn't stable. It is constantly changing. These are things that I, typically, am not a fan of. I don't like being away from family for long periods of time. I don't like unfamiliar environments. But I like performing. I hate admitting it, but I really do. I might even love it. It takes so much out of me, but I love it. I believe that love, that passion, was given to me so that I can pursue it. But man I don't want to.

Jeremiah 29:11 will tell me that God has incredible plans for me that will only lead to good. I trust that. But do I trust it enough to jump into something so terrifying? I think we all deal with this fear. I have dealt with it so many times. I'm going to end this post with something I wrote two years ago. It is insane to me that two years ago I was feeling similar things that I am feeling now. Things seem to cycle like that.

I’m standing at a precipice. Behind me is this life that I’ve always known, and always had. In front of me is an enormous plunge that, should I choose to take it, could totally change my life. I think it really comes down to a simple choice between two things:  fear and trust. For me, fear isn’t the opposite of bravery. It is the opposite of trust. The only time I am fearful is when I don’t have trust in the Lord. I love the Lord. I trust Him. So, why is it so hard to take this leap? Why is it so hard to choose utter and complete trust, and to let go of this life I’ve always known, and always had?

The thing is, only I know the answer to that. It’s not a thought that another human can supply me with. It has to come from within this brain God created for me. That’s the unfortunate part. I take note that the right choice isn’t ever easy. I’m reminded of those quotes that I read all through elementary school about how we should stand for what we believe in even if it means standing alone, and how the right choice isn’t always the popular choice. Trust is something many people struggle with. I believe that giving myself over to Him gives me life beyond my wildest imagination. I want that. I yearn for that.

All through my life, I have yearned to fly. I know it’s not currently a reality that will come true, but that doesn’t stop my heart from longing for that experience. If I leap from this precipice, I will fly. God has promised me that, in His own way. I pine for it. It is my heart’s truest desire. So, why can’t I get my feet off the ground? It’s quite frustrating. However, at least I’m at the edge now. Two years ago, I couldn’t even contemplate this time in my life; much less see where it might change. That’s progress. God has the pieces in place. I just need to put the king in checkmate.

I have the relationships, definitely. My friends build me up, they sharpen me, they challenge me, and we grow together. I love them. I love my family more than I ever knew that I would. I love my work, and my studies. It is so obviously what I want to be doing. So is this whole ministry, thing. My heart gets excited at the thought of my middle schoolers, or of working with the leaders, or even of that boys’ home! I want to do that so badly. I have to know, though, that I can’t TRULY lead until I give it all over to God. I’ve done it before on some level, but I need to take charge of my handing over the steering wheel; not that that makes any sense, but it really does. I need to make it happen. I need to give it all up.

Which will you choose:  fear or trust? Will you choose to fly? I will. I choose trust. I just need to leap. Leap from this platform, this precipice. The rest of my life and the whole world are over this cliff. It is all spread out before me for the taking. I just need to…jump.

Ready… Set…

Not a lot.

It's been a while. I promised Lara that I would have semi-regular blog posts now that I am back from Canada, but I whiffed hard on that one.

I haven't really had anything specific to write about, so I thought I'd just talk about life for a minute. This might be a shorter one.

Life has been hectic; school is absolutely insane. Music History 1 might kill me, but at least it is calming down. In 1.5 weeks, I had four tests (two for Music History) and a group project for music history. It was a little bit overwhelming to say the least. However, I pulled an 83 percent on my first MH test. I was thrilled. Considering I didn't do a whole lot of studying, and that is liable to be the hardest test of my undergrad, I am not mad at it. We were responsible for forty listening examples of pre-renaissance music. Awful. But I did it. I'm still waiting to get my written exam back. Who knows how that one went? I certainly don't.

The opera is going well. I don't have a ton to say about that. I am enjoying this rehearsal process much more than others, mostly because I don't have rehearsal very often and when I do have rehearsal, it isn't for very long. I am only in scenes with one other character. It's great. The music is really interesting. At first, I thought it was going to be miserable to learn, but that's mostly because I assume anything I can't sightread is going to be miserable to learn. I'm lazy... But, once I took it apart, I wrapped my head around it pretty quickly.

The director of opera wants me to clean a gun and sharpen a knife on stage. She said "I have no idea how to do that, though. Sam Ramey, do you know how? Ed (her husband), do you know how?" They both replied "no". I looked at her and said "Oh. Well, I mean, I know how to do both of those things." The looks I got were hysterical. You'd have thought I revealed I was actually a millionaire. It was promptly followed by a "huh?!" Awesome. I love being the atypical music major.

I think God gave my heart a rest after Malibu. The last few years entailed us working through a great deal of crap. However, I felt really content over the last month. Maybe it was because God knew I would be so busy adjusting to school. I'm not sure. But let me tell you, that resting period is over. Tonight I felt him go to work again. Not okay. I mean, it's way beyond okay. But it still sucks a little bit. I know that the end result is well worth the heartache and emotion now; I'm still not happy about it.

I have some of the best friends in the world. Seriously. I officially know what it is like to have someone stand up for me when it may not be the popular thing to do. I know what it is like to be missed. I know what it is like to have someone know all of my crap and just roll with it. I know what it is like to have people I admire be proud of me. Things are great. I wouldn't trade my friends for anything in the world.

Also, Aaron and I might be moving sometime this school year. We are thinking about moving into a house with two of our friends. We want a bigger place with multiple stories so that we can go to bed without feeling like we are still in the living room. And we found some really cool houses. I'm excited. I still haven't unpacked from the most recent move, so I'm in great shape, hahaha.

I love the two of you that read this blog. Seriously, haha. This one is surfacey, but that's okay. I'm sure there will be something on my heart so strongly that I have to blog about it soon.

Sometimes loving sucks.

My summer staff coordinator at Malibu told me that I'm safe. At first I was like "crap. I don't want to be safe. I want to be adventuresome and daring. I want to be a little wild". Then he went on to clarify. He said "Sean, I think you're safe. People feel safe with you. They are comfortable confiding in you. I think that you have heard things from people on our summer staff that no one else has, and that's an incredible gift." Hmm... Well... I guess I agree. People often tell me stuff about their lives. One of my favorite things in the world is listening to someone talk about his or her life. 

Part of the reason Malibu was such a wonderful experience was that I got to hear about so many lives. We all shared our respective lives with each other. From hearing a sort of overview, we had the opportunity to delve into each other's lives and go a little, or a lot, deeper with each other. Hearing the things a person struggles, or has struggled, with in life wasn't hard for me at Malibu. For one thing, I knew that they knew the Lord and really trusted His redemption of all things. I trust that, too. Because of that, this incredible trust was formed between people. We knew that these things had been made clean by His grace and that those things, whatever they were/are, do not define us anymore. And trust me, I heard some hard things. Sin is a very prevalent thing. The brokenness of the world is evident in our lives. It's a fact. However, and thank God for this, by Grace we have been saved. Because of grace these things do not matter anymore. We do not have to pay the price for that as someone already did that for us. I know these things to be true. So, why do I have such a hard time hearing about brokenness back home?

We had opera auditions Monday and Tuesday, and for my audition I sang an Aria from the opera Susannah (that's the one we're doing). The whole crux of the piece is "it must make the Good Lord sad". The opening line says "It's about the way people is made, I reckon, and how they like to believe what's bad. How short they are on lovin' kindness, it must make the Good Lord sad". In order to actually perform an aria well, you have to delve into the meaning of the text. What is that about the situation that makes me say these words? Why am I singing about something? What is it that makes the Good Lord sad? A line later says "Way out yonder somewheres the Lord's great heart must break at seein' how men treat one another and say they're doin' it all fer his sake". In exploring the emotional context of this aria, I was reminded of how screwed up life can get. And it breaks my heart. I can't shake it. 

I told Lizzy that people tend to hand me their brokenness. They open up and let me poke around a little bit, and then they just give it all to me. I love that. I love when someone says "Sean, I really am having a hard time with marijuana right now." or "Sean, I started drinking and I wanted you to hear it from me, And I'm having a hard time with girls, too". Or "Sean, I struggle with this, this, and this, but I don't really know what to do". Even if someone isn't coming to me specifically for help, I love it. I love/hate/love sharing my brokenness with others. It's important. However, literally my only desire when someone opens up to me is to heal it. I also know that I cannot do that. To truly desire the one thing that you cannot do really sucks. So, even knowing that I can't heal it, I still carry it with me like it is my burden and it just weighs on my heart. And I continue wishing that I could heal it. But I can't. I have never felt so human. 

I don't care what your brokenness is. Literally, I don't care. I love to hear about it. I love to pray for it. I love to love you through that brokenness. In fact, I think it makes me love you more. I wish you didn't have to carry it with you. I wish I could help you more than I am. I love that let me in. I wish you didn't run away from the Healer of all things. I wish you would turn back and run toward Him. I know that it's hard. I know that it's more fun to do these other things sometimes. I also know the greatest love that we can't even fathom and the life of joy that comes with that. And I know that I want you to know it, too.

I just can't help but smile

Holy cow. Canada was truly one of the best months of my life. I cannot handle how much I loved it. I was blessed with the best group I have ever worked with at a camp, in one of the most beautiful places, serving a God that I love and adore, doing something that I love. What could be better?

If you don't know, I was working in the kitchen. The majority of the people that worked with us I can really say are some of the best friends. We aren't necessarily best friends, but they are the best friends. They are just extremely high quality people, and they are great at being friends. Two of them that I want to talk about are Meredith and Cassidy. I became quite close with those two. Cass was the intern that I worked most closely with, and Meredith was on Summer Staff with me, but she was in the bakery.

Each week, Cass and I got to grill hamburgers for anywhere from 400-500 people. It quickly became our favorite time of the week. Week two, we decided to try and expedite the process by baking the burgers first and searing them on the grill. All that did was start a grease fire and give the grill its name: Katniss, the Grill on Fire. Even if the baking process had worked out, we decided that we had to grill them. It was the only time that Cass and I got to hang out just the two of us and still be working diligently. If you asked Cass what she liked about the time she would say "All we do is have really deep, intense heart talks, and cuss at each other. Or, rather, cuss at the grill" (I don't know what it is about grilling hamburgers and having your arm hair singed off that makes you cuss, but it does). She was absolutely right. We had very real talk while we were grilling hamburgers, and we discovered that we are very similar. Basically, Cass and I have the same brain and the same heart. The catch is that we have completely different personalities. But it kept it interesting. Also, because of Cassidy, I am confident that I can defend myself with any item in the Malibu Club kitchen. She would yell "defense" and two seconds later I was being accosted in some fashion or another. It certainly kept me on my toes.

One of my favorite parts about Cass is that, while she was an intern, she and I are the same age. In fact, I am a couple months older than her. While she was my leader, through the month she and I grew closer and closer to the middle ground, and eventually almost switched positions on things. We got to know each other well enough and respected each other enough that she was comfortable talking to me if she was having a tough time, and I was comfortable with the same. We become more of equals, while still maintaining our specific roles in the Young Life hierarchy. It was awesome. That friendship has continued since, and I love it.

I don't have as much to say about Meredith because words can't quite describe her. She is literally the happiest person I know, and because of that people around her are happier. She said that her favorite way to share Jesus is through her smile. No matter what. Even if she's crying, she's smiling a little bit. She told me that before she met me, while she was creeping on my Facebook, she told her twin sister "I'm going to be friends with him. I can tell". And boy was she right. She was the only person I cried for when leaving. Truly. And I cried. She just immediately became like a sister. There is something about people that bring each other joy that just sends a friendship through the roof. And she made everyone happy. It's just in her very being. She also has a really thick Texas accent, which made everything she said funny. Plus, it was just so endearing. Just awesome. I miss her.

Being around Cass and Meredith taught me about joy. I'm a decently happy person, but they really showed me what it was like to seek joy wherever you are. You can always find joy, you just have to be open to it. Since coming back, I have truly been a happier person. It's beautiful. There is no sense in worrying excessively about things. It detracts from your joy. Does that mean I will never worry? Oh Lord no. But I'm going to strive to work on today. I will worry about tomorrow when it comes. Today has enough of its own problems. The hardest part of that has to do with relationships. I always pick at them and try to find something that is wrong with my friendships. I need to not. I need to just love the time I get with people and be filled with joy that they give me. I would challenge you to seek joy always. I believe the Lord delights when we delight. And everyone loves to be happy. Plus, your chances of participating in Shenanigans sky rockets when you are seeking joy.

P.S. I reunited with my Mini Me after not seeing each other for 3 months. Talk about joy. I still can't handle it.

1 Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

2 Worship the Lord with gladness; 

come before him with joyful songs. 

3 Know that the Lord is God. 

It is he who made us, and we are his; 

we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. 

4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise; 

Give thanks to him and praise his name. 

5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; 

his faithfulness continues through all generations.

There isn't anything quite like a good book

Matt has ignited my obsessive tendencies... He got me hooked on a new musician (new to me), a new dumb game on my phone, and a book trilogy. He told me about all of these things, and I called Shenanigans every time. I'm hopeless. More than that, I am a sucker for fantasy. And let me tell you, this is fantasy. It's called Mistborn, and it involves having powers fueled by various metals. The really cool thing is that the author does a remarkable job of giving the powers limits. They are limited by nature, however, beyond that they are as unlimited as one's imagination. It is a wild concept that I am absolutely hooked on. There is political manipulation, magic, a budding romance, plot twists galore, an unassuming scrawny main character that of course turns out to be super bad ass. Yet, beyond all that, there is an element that really, really resonates with me.

Without delving into the actual story line, I'll discuss what I mean (I really think you should go read this the next time you need a good fantasy). The main character has an immense amount of trust issues. She believes that everyone will eventually betray, use, or hurt her in some way. Hello, darkness my old friend. The majority of you reading this did not know me in high school, but mistrust was the flag I waved. I had some not so hot friendships early on, plus a not so hot relationship with my father, which made even less hot friendships with guys specifically. I had a long-term ticket on the struggle bus. I didn't trust most people. There were a couple friends that wormed their way in, and a couple that had me fooled and really burned me. But that is life. And man, once I read those issues in this book, I immediately put the book down and didn't touch it for a week. But Matt kept mentioning Mistborn, and I did purchase it, so I finally just gave in and went to town. Mostly so I could have something to discuss with Matt. We definitely struggle with conversation... (Note that if there was a sarcasm font, I would have used it just then).

Well, despite being a great read, there was a quote that really stuck out to me. As you can imagine, through the course of the story, many of those trust issues began to resolve. This quote hit me in the face:

"Well, that's kind of what trust is, isn't it? A willful self-delusion? You have to shut out that voice that whispers about betrayal, and just hope that your friends aren't going to hurt you."

Hmmm.... If you have ever struggled with trust issues like I have, you might know what I am about to say. It isn't that simple, and yet it really is. At some point, you have to decide that people do care, or that people aren't just using you. I always tell people that my friend Kyle convinced me to trust people again. That's not true. He proved to me that he cared, and I decided to listen to that instead of the the voice that whispers about betrayal. In the end, I had to make that choice. It was, actually is, one of the hardest decisions for me. It's really easy to mistrust people and rely on yourself, because it is safe. I would think "I won't hurt myself. If I don't let anyone in and only rely on myself, then I won't get hurt." I say it is one of the hardest decisions for me because, on some level, I have to decide that every day. Old habits die hard, and our inner demons are relentless. Sometimes, I want to just rely on myself. I want to say "Sorry, Lizzy" or Meredith, or Aaron, or whomever. But the reality is that I am not saving myself. In fact, I am only hurting myself. We are designed to be relational people. Don't believe in God? That's fine. But you have to acknowledge that whether by Grand Design, or mere happenstance, people need each other. We need relationships. I can't speak for everyone when I say this, but I know that I am happiest when I am sharing a moment with a friend. That moment can be anything. My personal favorite is when you're sharing one of those gifts you have been given with another person. 

My high schoolers (you knew they would come up eventually) prove to me that people need each other all the time. The fact that they want a relationship with a non-athletic, long-haired, bearded college senior (AHHH) can only be fueled by a need for relationship. The kid I tutor is not dumb by any means. Maybe he's unmotivated, but let me tell you, the minute someone took time and invested in his progress, he changed immensely. He just needed to have someone willing to go through the experience with him. I'm terrified of needles. I made Schnelly go with me to get a shot once, and despite her adamant refusal to hold my hand, having a person there experiencing it with me made it better. Plus, now I can twist that into how terrible and mean she is to me :-)

I can't say that I will never be distrustful again, because chances are I will wake up tomorrow distrustful. I can't say that I won't push someone away because of it. But I can say that ignoring the whispers of betrayal is so worth it. Each of you reading this, at least the ones I have told about it, have experienced something with me. Maybe it was day 7 at Trail West. Maybe it was 7 years of putting up with each other. Maybe it is being twins, or major/mini me, or roommates. I don't know what it is you are thinking of, but I need you to know that I am grateful. I am grateful for your constant love and support. I am grateful for the times we drive each other crazy. I am grateful for the Shenanigans we uncover. I am grateful.

The Soap Box of a 70 Year Old

There's something very comforting in knowing that you can work through an issue with a friend, however big or small the issue may be. 

I leave for Italy in 2 weeks. 2 weeks from right now, I will be either on an airplane or in Athens, Greece. I'm mildly terrified, but I think I've resigned to the fact that I'm going. I'm starting to get a little excited for my five weeks in Europe. Followed by a week at home, and 5 weeks in Canada. This summer is going to be the craziest of my life.

I don't know why I'm surprised that I start becoming close to new people just in time to leave for three months. Or why I'm surprised that I start discussing the prospect of dating someone (kind of joking, but definitely kind of not) just before I leave for three months. I definitely don't know why I'm surprised when things are completely okay after a slight bump in the road of friendship. Whatever. I give up.

Remember the Young Life kid I'm tutoring? He is killing it. I am so proud of him. His dad told me that it's looking like the kid will get to go to camp this summer. Heck. Yes. I already liked this kid a lot. In fact, he was the very first kid I met almost three years ago when I started Young Life in Wichita. We have definitely gotten a lot closer because of this tutoring experience. He has really shown me the importance of having someone believe in you. He has taught me what it means to fulfill a need for someone I care about. And he has definitely affirmed my desire to teach. I swear, if I can get this kid to enjoy studying vocab, then I can teach anyone how to sing. Fact. I went to his house last week to encourage him to start a project. He pulls up his computer and shows me that he is already seventy percent done on the project. It blew my mind. I think he just needed someone to care and to take a little time. He's doing all the work. It makes my job so easy.

Dr. Crum has this uncanny ability to always be right, always be sassy, and teach me more about life and faith than I ever would have expected. She tells me exactly how it is, to the point of it being really hard to take some days. But I know she loves me, even when she is telling me I'm a lazy student (she's right. always). When I finally agreed to go to Italy this summer, she said "Oh good! I can have my husband meet me over there, and we can work on this while we are there and this and that and this and that." and went on for a couple minutes. And then she stopped and said "I mean, that's if you're okay with my going". I looked at her and said "Dotty, I wouldn't have it any other way" for which I got a lot of grief, because she hates "Dotty". Ever read the poem "Our Deepest Fear"?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The other day in our lesson, she was telling me something about needing to live up to my full potential, and basically summarized this poem without meaning to. I love this part "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world." How more cut and dry can it be? We are gifted with various things for a reason. This is why I don't relate to the insecurity that follows many singers. I don't care what anyone else is capable of, in that it has absolutely zero bearing on what I am capable of doing. I know that I have my own instrument, and I have something that offer that no one else has. Everyone has something unique to offer. God gives us gifts because He wants us to use them. That gift could be teaching, singing, something athletic, writing, engineering, sewing, the list goes on and on. I think our culture makes it difficult to identify what we are bad at, and inversely what we are good at. We are of the "consolation prize" society. "Good try. Just because you participated, here is a prize". I think that cheapens success, and it can mute the encouragement of loss. In our culture, it is frowned upon to be great at something, or at least to share it. If a person talks about what they are great it, they are classified as arrogant. Humility, to us, is in not discussing our strengths. I think humility is identifying where your strengths come from, and giving credit where credit is due. You can share your gifts without bragging. And using our gifts, sharing our gifts, is what it is all about. What good is your voice if you don't speak? I have had a lot of hesitation about this trip to Italy, and Dr. Crum said "Sean, God has provided this opportunity for you. He has given you this voice, and people will be drawn to you because of it. So dammit, use it! You don't have to be a performer, but you should definitely grow your gifts to its full potential, and you should share that with people when you have the opportunity". 

When I first started typing this post, to be quite honest, I wasn't sure which direction I wanted to take. I honestly thought it would be a post about friendships. Turns out I was wrong. Although, friendships can exemplify gifts. I have been blessed with friends that support me in my gifts. I have been blessed with friends that participate in my gifts with me. Accompanying for my friends is one of my all time favorite things. Something about being in that support position, and creating together, just gets me. Listening to a friend can be a gift, not only to them, but also a gift that God has given. Some people are bad listeners. It is a fact. To be frank, figuring out your gift can be difficult. I've been fortunate enough to know that I wanted to teach music since I was in first grade. Sometimes figuring out what your gift is in fine, but knowing what you want to do with that is the tricky part. But life cannot happen without experiences. Gifts cannot be uncovered without experiencing the world. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

I love that. I encourage you, friends, to make manifest the glory of God that is within you. But, Sean, I don't know what it is. Well, find out. Explore the world. Volunteer. Start a rebellion. Backpack through Europe. Take a road trip. Hug a friend. Let a friend love you. Cross something off your bucket list. Sing a song. Dance. And most of all, have yourself some Shenanigans.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate

Life never stops moving. That is a reality I am being forced to acknowledge more than I would like to. I only have three days of classes left in this semester. That absolutely blows my mind. Three weeks from right now, I will be in Athens, Greece, anticipating travel through Greece and Italy, and a month in Lucca, Italy. Where the heck did the time go?

Yesterday, I gave a recital at my church as a fundraiser for Italy. They took a love offering for me. People were definitely not required to donate. However, most did. The members of my church donated $1,000 to my trip. I am still in shock. Completely overwhelmed doesn't quite describe the feeling. Lately, I have been in awe of God's providence. I always tell people that God provides us with what we need most, and recently it has just been really apparent to me. My job at Grace Presbyterian, for instance, was too much of a coincidence for it not to have been designed. I met a guy through Young Life that told me about the job. I ignored it. Four months later, the job was still available. Here's the thing: piano jobs do not stay open in Wichita. They fill up in a hurry. However, it remained. I decided that I should pay attention. I auditioned and got the job as choir accompanist. Only then they found out I can sing. And then they needed a piano player for the band. And then the tenor soloist left, so they needed another one. But, why hire another when your accompanist happens to be a tenor? Grace Presbyterian has been a family for me, and I have been able to fill many needs for them. I am so blessed by that church. I cannot express the joy I receive from being there. It saddens me to be away the entire summer.

I have to tell you about Bridget. Bridget is my accompanist at school, but more than that she is one of my best friends. If you were to ask me to list my closest friends, my 68 year voice teacher would be listed, as well as my 40 year old accompanist. Originally, I had a different accompanist, but then the schedules didn't match up, so I called Bridget. I am so glad the schedules didn't match up. Bridget and I gossip like teenage girls. We talk about the very real life struggles we have. We laugh until we cry. And sometimes, we just cry a little bit. She is a phenomenal talent, and just an incredible person. On my recital, we performed a song called I Once Knew from Edges. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfVFvCGVmus I have to say, it was the most emotional performance I have ever been a part of. We knew it would be. Performing a piece that moves you and everyone around you is a very unique experience. It is one that is made even more special when you are able to feel those emotions with your fellow performer. Bridget and I know that it gets to each of us. We haven't discussed it, but I somehow feel "safer" exploring that emotional content knowing that Bridget is exploring it with me. If I had my original accompanist, I don't know what that would have been like. But God definitely provided me with the right friend in Bridget.

The reason I Once Knew gets to me is because it is a son singing to his mom. http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/edgesasongcycle/ionceknew.htm

Those are the lyrics. My mom might not like me writing this, but she was depressed for a good chunk of time when I was younger. And my dad wasn't a particularly good husband or father. The lyrics talk about a woman who wasn't scared to be challenged, a woman who could wipe away anyone's tears, a woman who had a laugh just like thunder, and a woman who saw all my moments, who taught me to sing and to stand up for myself. My mom is all of those things. Recently, she and I had to work through some issues pertaining to her having been depressed, and how my life might be different if she hadn't been depressed. My mother is the strongest person I know. She has always been there for me, and she never gives up. Sometimes, she is scared. Sometimes she has a hard time understanding why people are the way they are, just like I do. She always keeps going. She always reminds me of who I am and what I stand for (Matt, next time you ask me, I might have an answer). She is always comforting. When I was a sophomore in high school, she had cancer. She almost died while undergoing treatment. I walked into the ICU to see my mom hooked up to all these machines, barely conscious, on a diet of ice chips. She took my hand and told me that it was going to be okay. That pretty much sums her up. So, naturally, that song resonates with me. "Everything is fine, Mom, you can't be afraid". I sang that line, let a bit of silence in, heard my mom sob, and just about lost it. But we got through it. Sometimes, I think my mother has had to be too strong. But the bottom line is that I wouldn't be the same person if life had gone differently. God knew what He was doing.

I have the best friends in the world. I can talk to them about anything, and I usually do just that. Lizzy and I are able to talk about our fears, our loves, and everything in between. I am so appreciative of her. She and I have been friends for almost seven years, now. That is the longest, close friendship that I have had. Meredith keeps me on my toes. She's not afraid to ask me the hard questions that always make me think. And she's not afraid to do stupid stuff with me, or to me, depending on the situation. When I reflect on these friendships, I am blown away with the timing of them. Lizzy and I became friends just as we were really starting to develop our own senses of faith. Sometimes, I thought she was crazy. Usually, she was right (you better bookmark this one, Lizzy. You won't hear it again). Regardless, she shaped me, and always encourages me in my walk. She always keeps me fresh on my macaroni and cheese recipe. And the vegetables game. Meredith came into my life just in time for me to do some healing, which she played an integral part in. Similarly, Aaron showed up right when I really needed that best friend. I have been provided with these beautiful relationships just when I need them. Matt and I have really gotten close this semester. It's fun seeing him go through things that I went through. And trust me, I went through them. He's my Mini Me. We don't use that term lightly. But just as I feel like I'm supposed to be older and wiser, I learn from him. It is a blast to be able to share joy with someone. That is something I experience with all my friends. It is simply very prevalent with Matt because we spend an unhealthy amount of time together in classes, our quartet, writing music, and then just hanging out to hang out. And he came into my life right when I needed it. Those of you on Summer Staff, I count you as well. You all taught me so much. My favorite thing about these friendships is the ability to be honest with each other. And the ability to laugh. I have laughed until I cried with each of you. Except Matt and Lizzy. They are not funny at all. Fortunately, I make up for it.

As I get ready to leave the country for three months, I realize that I am terrified. I am scared that things will change. In fact, I know they will. I also know that my friendships won't change. But there's still a little fear. I think the biggest fear that I have is that someone will need me when I am gone. I fear that someone will pass away, or someone will get hurt, or just need me, and I won't be able to be there. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. True. And while I agree with the rest of the poem on some level, my greatest fear right now is not being able to be there for someone. I think I Once Knew resonates so much with me because I need to hear it. Sometimes, I need that reminder that everything is fine, and that I can't be afraid. I have to keep laughing with a laugh like thunder. I have to keep pouring love into people, even when the people that pour love into me are thousands of miles away.

Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you Hope and a Future'". I have always tried to trust that. This is NOT the time to stop that, however tempting it might be. I think my fear is reason enough for me to go. I'm sure Greece, Italy, and eventually Canada will be filled with Shenanigans. As Dr. Crum told me when I was expressing my fear of leaving my friends: we will certainly have a lot to catch up on upon my return. And what a return it will be...DIRECTLY in to school. Typical. Who would want a break? Oh yeah... me. Too bad. Life never slows down. You might as well jump in, or you might miss it.

They Missed a Love Language or Two...

I apologize in advance for any typos in this. It was 1:35 AM, and I am not proofreading this right now.

This weekend has been a busy one. I got to spend time with friends, with myself, with God, with music, and with the kitchen. I'm convinced that there is an additional love language: food. It has to be. Nothing says fellowship more than sharing a meal together. One of my favorite things to do is cook for people (because it is late, when I first typed that, it said "one of my favorite things to do is cook people"... Please know that I do not in fact cook people). I don't really know what it is, but I absolutely love. I hate cooking when I'm the only one eating it. I think part of it is knowing that college students love a home-cooked meal. I know that by doing that, I am loving them. Another part of is that I secretly love to show off. I can hear Lizzy thinking "what part of that is a secret?". Rude. But I do. I love cooking "extravagant" things for people. Truthfully, none of it is extravagant; it just seems extravagant. I love things that seem impressive, but actually require very little work. My somewhat recent good friend Andrew came over Friday night, and we ate dinner together. After that, we went to try to see Home Run. All we knew about it is that it involved Young Life in some way. It was sold out, so we saw Olympus has Fallen. Andrew bought my ticket in exchange for dinner. Welcome to the Man-date. Best thing ever. I was not mentally prepared for the movie. So intense. But so good. Anyway, after that, I went to a choir party and brought a dessert I had made. It was another super simple thing that people love. And I love sharing that with people. Fun was had by all. Winner.

On Saturday, I got to share my love of music with people. I played for a really talented senior in high school at her senior recital. It was a joy. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't charge people for accompanying, because I really love it and I love providing that service for people. However, that feeling is generally short-lived. But the love that I feel lasts for quite a while. In addition to that, I got to perform with my quartet, the Shockappellas, today. We sang the national anthem at a WSU softball game. I think the love that is formed when you achieve something together is my favorite. I truly cannot articulate what those guys have come to mean to me in the short time we have been working together. I love them. We rely on each other in performance and out of performance. From a professional standpoint, we must count on each other to learn parts, be on time, and communicate about performances and rehearsals. From a friendship standpoint, we all watch out for each other. I know I could call on them to help me in a bind. We laugh together almost more than we sing. And when we achieve something great, it is almost always followed up by a hug - both group hug and individual hugs. I truly wish that each of you gets to experience something like this group.

A confrontational love is one of the hardest loves to accept. Problems WILL arise in relationships. It is just the way things go. Handling those problems is when things get tricky. I am always a firm believer in speaking one's mind, especially in situations where something is amiss. Saturday night, I had the opportunity to practice what I preach. It was difficult. I'd like to think that it gets easier, but that isn't really the case. The only redeeming quality of confronting conflict is that reconciliation often comes quickly after. Many people prefer to sweep things under the rug, so to speak. Believe me when I say this: You can't do that your whole life. I mean, you can, but it is just not worth it. Things never resolve. And when they don't resolve, they tend to fester, successfully aggrandizing the issue. No es bueno. I truly can't decide which is more difficult: initiating or receiving confrontation. Neither are easy. Both are necessary. Both are easier when you trust the conversation is stemming from a place of love.

You will probably read about this idea of filling a need for someone a lot in this blog. And when I say filling a need, that can be anything. I fill a need in the music ministry at church. I fill a need for my Mini Me in that I'm his accompanist... and one of his only straight friends (fine arts. not our fault. But we rely on each other for the occasional dose of testosterone). Today at campaigners (bible study with my Young Life guys), we talked about Doubting Thomas. Doubting Thomas is my favorite person in the bible. Not necessarily because he didn't believe, but because of how Jesus reacts.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:%2019-31&version=NIV

Thomas needed to see in order to believe, which is a feeling I think we can all relate to, spiritually or not. And what did Jesus do? He showed up. He reached out to Thomas and offered the evidence Thomas needed. Jesus met Thomas exactly where he was, and fulfilled Thomas' need. Jesus didn't ridicule him; he simply provided for Thomas. Wow. It is such a comfort to know that the God of the universe will provide for me in the exact way that I need.

Today, I officially had the opportunity to fulfill a very tangible need for one of my YL guys. He needs help in school, so I am tutoring him. He is a great kid. He told me about his grades, and I immediately felt that I should tutor him. The fact of the matter is that I don't have a lot of time. However, I knew that this was supposed to happen. Today we spent about an hour planning out study schedules, homework schedules, discussing note taking, and studying vocab by relating it to video games. Shenanigans. As I was leaving, I said "I believe in you". His response: "I think I'm starting to believe in myself again". My eyes are filling with tears as I type this. Being there for my YL kid in this way is one of the most humbling experiences. It is the first time one of them has really needed me. I feel like this is just the tiniest glimpse of what Jesus felt for Thomas. Jesus provides for us which, in turn, allows us to provide for others. It is a beautiful thing. All of these "loves" that I have talked about are ways in which I can provide for others. Loving people is different for each person, giving and receiving. But I know one thing. If your eyes are open, you will how to love. Whether it is through Shenanigans, or straightforward, you can see it. People are really bad at hiding what the need. We all wear our hearts on our sleeves. It's just a matter of looking.

"That's the hardest place to be: between friend and uh.. friendlier"

If someone gets that title reference, they will be my hero. Although the quote is actually talking about the difference between friends and dating, I'm talking about friends. I'm an intense friend. It is a fact of life. I'm also high maintenance. I don't show it on the outside, but I am. In addition to all of that, I'm hyper sensitive to people's demeanor, tone, and general feelings. It's obnoxious. So, add hyper-sensitivity to an already moderately insecure person when it comes to relationships, and you have me. Hot mess express, let me tell you. 

I suck at being friends with guys. I'm much better at hanging out with girls. They like to sit and talk. They are more willing to discuss feelings. I'm all about it. However, and I speak from experience, tell a guy "Hey, this is making feel like *insert emotion here*" and see what happens. You'll likely get the "uh..." or the deer in the head lights, or they will laugh and think you're joking. So then you're in this awkward situation where you can choose to run and hide (my personal favorite), play it off as a joke, or awkwardly change the subject and pretend you didn't show any sign of having an emotion beyond hunger, thirst, "she's hot", or bored. 

Now, as if all of this wasn't enough, I'm also big on touch. I love a hug. I don't mean of this awkward "arms barely touch the person" hug. And I definitely don't mean the one hand hand-shake thing that then pulls into the slap on the back with the free hand aka the bro-hug. I mean a good squeeze. I also love to cuddle. My favorite thing about hanging out with my mini-me is that he's the same. If we're watching a movie or playing video games, chances are that one of us is leaning on the other. We are just touchy people, and it's awesome. Though, we are definitely the minority. After you've recovered from the traumatic experience of sharing your emotions with a guy, try hugging. Let me know how that works out for you.

The last ingredient in this recipe of insanity is that I don't separate friendships from relationships. Friendships are relationships. The unfortunate truth is that relationships require work. Especially relationships with me. We all have those friends that are more like acquaintances. I have them too. I have friends that I can hang out with and do nonsense things like video games, or playing catch. But I would much rather sit down and talk. It is really hard for me to have a long term surface level friendship. I also don't like chit chat. I want to know what is REALLY going on with you. I want to know what makes you tick. I want to know your joys, your hurts, you frustrations, the things that make you fall in love, and everything else. I want to know about your life up to this point. I love hearing about a person's family. The thing is, once we have gone to that "deeper level", we can talk about whatever. We could talk about the weather, sports, anything on the surface. I just have to know we can reach that deeper level of conversation.

One thing that I really struggle with is understanding that not everyone is in the same place as I am. It's hard for me to understand that not everyone pays attention like I do. I can be having a bad day, and putting out "the signs" and have no one notice. And I get mad. I think to myself "Well, they obviously don't care about me" and that is not the case. People just don't always pay attention. The other day, I walked in a room with my mini-me and knew instantly that something was wrong. I asked him about it twenty minutes later, and he said "Screw you, Sean! How did you know?". It has taken me a long time to understand that we are all gifted with different things. One of my gifts is this "sense". It has taken me an even longer time to accept that we all show we care through different ways, and that's okay. I think we get ourselves in trouble because we try to fit people into molds we have designed for them. Or we try to fit ourselves into other people's lives in a way we want to fit in. I would love for my friends to come to me when they are having a bad day. I would love to be the person they call to hang out with. But I'm not. I'm often pursuing them. I have to continue that role, no matter how difficult it gets. It's just the way I am, I guess.

Having friends like the ones I do has really presented me with a challenge. I need to play the role my friends need me to play, rather than the role I want them to need me to play. And I have to trust that the Lord will put the right people in my life to fulfill my needs. 

My high school kids have taught me a lot about friendship. They have taught me how to put another person's needs before my own in regards to friendship. They allow me to play a certain role in their lives. That is a role devoid of hugs and expression of feelings. It is a role full of horsing around, teasing, and typical "male bonding" (Kill me). They love sharing experiences and reflecting on those experiences. They love trying to tackle me while I'm all like "Why are we touching? We're sweaty." or "We are shirtless and in the water. That means we should be swimming. Not jumping on each other. I feel like I could be arrested for this". Regardless of the constant Shenanigans, I fill a specific role in their lives and they show their love in totally different way than I do. Although that love is different, it is still love. And I love that.

Out of the Mouths of Gremlins

I used to work with Young Life's middle school ministry called Wyldlife. Used to. Only tonight, they needed help with an event, so I said I would do it. Ever seen the Amazing Race? It was kind of like that only less intense and contained to east Wichita. I ended up driving a truck I had never driven before, full of kids I had never met before, to places I had never been before. Well, only one place was new to me, but it made for a really great sentence. I digress. Anyway, I'm "obeying the speed limits" around Wichita, dropping these kids off to do ridiculous things like eat french fries through a giant straw and wrap the Chick-Fil-A cow in toilet paper. We won (obviously). I ignore the fact that one of the stations wasn't functioning, so we got a fast forward.

 As I was driving to our last stop (wrapping the cow), one of the kids looked at me and said "Hey, I'm going to take my clothes off if that's alright with you"..........

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?!?!?!?!?! "Um, how about not, because I don't want to get arrested for pedophilia". Because we are trying to show them that Jesus loves everyone, even the nudists, I simply said "Hey, whatever floats your boat". Please know that I was fully prepared to prevent this child from being naked in the vehicle. He stopped after removing his shirt. He ran around shirtless for the rest of the race, and for a while after that.

Also, I have to tell you about a kid named Carter. Carter and I met last summer at Wyldlife camp, and I absolutely love that kid. I got to see him tonight. He is actually one of the main sources of inspiration for the title of "Shenanigans". He told me once "Sean, if you were a stripper, I'd make it rain". It floored me. Very rarely am I speechless. That was one of those times.

Anyway, once everyone had regrouped, and my victory (okay, fine, "our" victory") had been announced, the area director for Young Life, Shep, gave a talk on John 5: 1-9 which you can read at http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%205&version=NIV. Shep used this passage as a spring board for this idea of "what are we using to block God's love from pouring into us?". For the invalid, it might have been that he had no one to help him get well, as he told Jesus. However, Jesus did not ask him why he wasn't well. Jesus asked him if he wanted to be well. Did he want his life to be different? Jesus is not talking about the physical ailment alone. He is talking about healing of the spiritual nature; healing from sin.

This question then follows: Do we want to be healed? I say yes. And I wish it was as simple as that. But I have to wonder what I am using to block God's love from fully pouring into me. I know a big one is time. Not that I do not have time, but that I do not make time. Let's be honest with ourselves. We all have time. It's just a matter of sacrificing a little and committing it to God. I am beyond horrible at that.
The reason I brought up Carter is this: on the way back from Wyldlife camp, he was sitting next to me on the bus. All of a sudden, he busted out his ancient King James bible, and jumped into Genesis. He sat there amid the madness of a Young Life bus ride, and quietly read the first 8 chapters of Genesis. Talk about a punch to the gut. If a 11 year old can do it in a noise filled bus after one of the more action-packed weeks of his life, I can do it in the peace and quiet of my own home, before or after a long day. But I don't. And that is something I really need to examine.

I think we all have our own struggles. I have many that go beyond a simple time commitment. But I think it is invaluable to identify them. If we can't identify them, or if we are convinced that we are doing it correctly, then how can we move forward? How can we work through these Shenanigans that we work ourselves into? I don't have the answer. I don't know that I ever will. But what I do have are middle school guys that continually teach me about the Lord, about loving people, about having fun, and about Shenanigans. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

What's "Shenanigans", Precious?

A little background: I'm a junior Vocal Performance major, I work with youth through an organization called Young Life, I work with the music ministry at my church, I'm in a barbershop quartet, I accompany four people on piano, I take organ lessons, and somewhere in there, I try to be a good friend. I don't have a lot of extra time. Not to mention, I'm an emotional basket case about seventy-five percent of the time. Solid, right? Needless to say, time to process my thoughts and emotions is really important to me, and when I don't get it I kind of start to lose it. That might look like me going dark side and just not talking to anyone. It might be me being the exact opposite. Either way, I'm off balance and it is obvious. That's where this blog comes in. I finally decided to take my life, and instead of going to therapy like a sane person would, I'm going to start writing about it for the public eye. What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment. 

There's a reason this blog is titled "Shenanigans". That seems to be the theme for my life. I lived in a retired fire station with five guys, a pregnant woman (don't worry, she is married to one of the guys), two cats that sucked at being cats, and a Great Dane who might as well have been another person. Who does that? No one in his right mind. Through Young Life, I take kids to camp over the summer. Inevitably, that involves a "gremlin" falling asleep on me, or styling my hair with shaving cream (I have really long hair), or popping giant, freezing-cold water balloons over my head. I have had lemonade dumped on me, been kissed by some random high school boy that I did not know, and listened to some of the worst jokes in the world, all in an effort to make me laugh. Did any of it work? Absolutely not. I was too pissed about being soaked in lemonade. Rude.

 

Being a fine arts major, I deal with the crazies. And I use crazy in every denotation and connotation that comes with it. You know all those stereo-types that you think of when you hear "fine arts major"? Well, stereo-types are based in fact. They couldn't be more accurate, yet at the same time, they completely miss the mark. If dealing with musicians, dancers, and actors on a regular basis doesn't constitute "shenanigans" then I have no idea what does. Plus, I take voice from a 68 year old, unforgivably sassy woman affectionately referred to as "Crumbles"... whom I am slowly turning into....

There are definitely a few friends that you will read a lot about. My roommate's name is Aaron. Aaron and I keep accidentally scaring each other. One of these days, he's going to get punched. Then there's my twin, Meredith... Dear lord. Suffice it to say that in the early stages of our friendship, we bonded over a mutual desire to karate chop people whenever they irritated us. I have a mini me named Matt, and he is simply that. He is me but two years ago. And red-headed. Then there's Lizarda. No, she is not a lizard, but she is my best friend from high school who continually sasses me, and tells me how funny she is (even though she's not funny at all). These four keep me on my toes. They know me better than most. I have a unique relationship with each of them. And they all love my mom. In fact, I'm sometimes convinced they love Mama Foster more than me. You'll hear about Mom a lot, too.

I think the biggest thing you should know about me is that I over think everything. I over think relationships, faith, music, cooking, furniture, everything in my life. So be ready for that. Chances are, if you're reading this, we will disagree on things. And that's okay. But know that I'm not going to shy away from topics. In fact, the reason I finally decided to start this blog is that I was really having a hard time understanding the world's views on sex (don't worry, I'm not jumping into that right now). My favorite thing about writing is that it forces me to organize and examine my thoughts. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to find out what I really think about friendships. I'm going to find out what I really think about trusting people with my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, I'm going to simply write about my gremlins and the hysterical things they do. I don't know what all this will be. But I do know that it will be me. And that's all I can hope for. That, and Shenanigans.