Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate

Life never stops moving. That is a reality I am being forced to acknowledge more than I would like to. I only have three days of classes left in this semester. That absolutely blows my mind. Three weeks from right now, I will be in Athens, Greece, anticipating travel through Greece and Italy, and a month in Lucca, Italy. Where the heck did the time go?

Yesterday, I gave a recital at my church as a fundraiser for Italy. They took a love offering for me. People were definitely not required to donate. However, most did. The members of my church donated $1,000 to my trip. I am still in shock. Completely overwhelmed doesn't quite describe the feeling. Lately, I have been in awe of God's providence. I always tell people that God provides us with what we need most, and recently it has just been really apparent to me. My job at Grace Presbyterian, for instance, was too much of a coincidence for it not to have been designed. I met a guy through Young Life that told me about the job. I ignored it. Four months later, the job was still available. Here's the thing: piano jobs do not stay open in Wichita. They fill up in a hurry. However, it remained. I decided that I should pay attention. I auditioned and got the job as choir accompanist. Only then they found out I can sing. And then they needed a piano player for the band. And then the tenor soloist left, so they needed another one. But, why hire another when your accompanist happens to be a tenor? Grace Presbyterian has been a family for me, and I have been able to fill many needs for them. I am so blessed by that church. I cannot express the joy I receive from being there. It saddens me to be away the entire summer.

I have to tell you about Bridget. Bridget is my accompanist at school, but more than that she is one of my best friends. If you were to ask me to list my closest friends, my 68 year voice teacher would be listed, as well as my 40 year old accompanist. Originally, I had a different accompanist, but then the schedules didn't match up, so I called Bridget. I am so glad the schedules didn't match up. Bridget and I gossip like teenage girls. We talk about the very real life struggles we have. We laugh until we cry. And sometimes, we just cry a little bit. She is a phenomenal talent, and just an incredible person. On my recital, we performed a song called I Once Knew from Edges. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfVFvCGVmus I have to say, it was the most emotional performance I have ever been a part of. We knew it would be. Performing a piece that moves you and everyone around you is a very unique experience. It is one that is made even more special when you are able to feel those emotions with your fellow performer. Bridget and I know that it gets to each of us. We haven't discussed it, but I somehow feel "safer" exploring that emotional content knowing that Bridget is exploring it with me. If I had my original accompanist, I don't know what that would have been like. But God definitely provided me with the right friend in Bridget.

The reason I Once Knew gets to me is because it is a son singing to his mom. http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/edgesasongcycle/ionceknew.htm

Those are the lyrics. My mom might not like me writing this, but she was depressed for a good chunk of time when I was younger. And my dad wasn't a particularly good husband or father. The lyrics talk about a woman who wasn't scared to be challenged, a woman who could wipe away anyone's tears, a woman who had a laugh just like thunder, and a woman who saw all my moments, who taught me to sing and to stand up for myself. My mom is all of those things. Recently, she and I had to work through some issues pertaining to her having been depressed, and how my life might be different if she hadn't been depressed. My mother is the strongest person I know. She has always been there for me, and she never gives up. Sometimes, she is scared. Sometimes she has a hard time understanding why people are the way they are, just like I do. She always keeps going. She always reminds me of who I am and what I stand for (Matt, next time you ask me, I might have an answer). She is always comforting. When I was a sophomore in high school, she had cancer. She almost died while undergoing treatment. I walked into the ICU to see my mom hooked up to all these machines, barely conscious, on a diet of ice chips. She took my hand and told me that it was going to be okay. That pretty much sums her up. So, naturally, that song resonates with me. "Everything is fine, Mom, you can't be afraid". I sang that line, let a bit of silence in, heard my mom sob, and just about lost it. But we got through it. Sometimes, I think my mother has had to be too strong. But the bottom line is that I wouldn't be the same person if life had gone differently. God knew what He was doing.

I have the best friends in the world. I can talk to them about anything, and I usually do just that. Lizzy and I are able to talk about our fears, our loves, and everything in between. I am so appreciative of her. She and I have been friends for almost seven years, now. That is the longest, close friendship that I have had. Meredith keeps me on my toes. She's not afraid to ask me the hard questions that always make me think. And she's not afraid to do stupid stuff with me, or to me, depending on the situation. When I reflect on these friendships, I am blown away with the timing of them. Lizzy and I became friends just as we were really starting to develop our own senses of faith. Sometimes, I thought she was crazy. Usually, she was right (you better bookmark this one, Lizzy. You won't hear it again). Regardless, she shaped me, and always encourages me in my walk. She always keeps me fresh on my macaroni and cheese recipe. And the vegetables game. Meredith came into my life just in time for me to do some healing, which she played an integral part in. Similarly, Aaron showed up right when I really needed that best friend. I have been provided with these beautiful relationships just when I need them. Matt and I have really gotten close this semester. It's fun seeing him go through things that I went through. And trust me, I went through them. He's my Mini Me. We don't use that term lightly. But just as I feel like I'm supposed to be older and wiser, I learn from him. It is a blast to be able to share joy with someone. That is something I experience with all my friends. It is simply very prevalent with Matt because we spend an unhealthy amount of time together in classes, our quartet, writing music, and then just hanging out to hang out. And he came into my life right when I needed it. Those of you on Summer Staff, I count you as well. You all taught me so much. My favorite thing about these friendships is the ability to be honest with each other. And the ability to laugh. I have laughed until I cried with each of you. Except Matt and Lizzy. They are not funny at all. Fortunately, I make up for it.

As I get ready to leave the country for three months, I realize that I am terrified. I am scared that things will change. In fact, I know they will. I also know that my friendships won't change. But there's still a little fear. I think the biggest fear that I have is that someone will need me when I am gone. I fear that someone will pass away, or someone will get hurt, or just need me, and I won't be able to be there. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. True. And while I agree with the rest of the poem on some level, my greatest fear right now is not being able to be there for someone. I think I Once Knew resonates so much with me because I need to hear it. Sometimes, I need that reminder that everything is fine, and that I can't be afraid. I have to keep laughing with a laugh like thunder. I have to keep pouring love into people, even when the people that pour love into me are thousands of miles away.

Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you Hope and a Future'". I have always tried to trust that. This is NOT the time to stop that, however tempting it might be. I think my fear is reason enough for me to go. I'm sure Greece, Italy, and eventually Canada will be filled with Shenanigans. As Dr. Crum told me when I was expressing my fear of leaving my friends: we will certainly have a lot to catch up on upon my return. And what a return it will be...DIRECTLY in to school. Typical. Who would want a break? Oh yeah... me. Too bad. Life never slows down. You might as well jump in, or you might miss it.