This semester I got the wonderful opportunity to play Sam Polk in Carlisle Floyd's Susannah. Sam is the leading tenor role in the show. That alone is a cool experience. However, I also got to perform with Sam Ramey, who is a world-famous opera singer. As if that wasn't enough, I got to work with the composer, Carlisle Floyd. Working with those two people was truly an invaluable experience. I don't really know how to express it. But I loved it. I really did. I hate admitting that, for whatever reason.
Thus far, I haven't really enjoyed doing operas at WSU for any reason other than the people that I do the shows with. I really dislike waiting on other people to learn music, learn the language, or memorize the text. I'm a quick study and I want to work with people that keep up. I didn't run into those issues with Susannah. There are a number of reasons for that. I only rehearsed with two other actors, playing the same character, and both are pretty professional. They got their crap together quickly, which encouraged me to do the same. The opera was in English so language wasn't as big an obstacle as it has been, although we had to lean to sing in the Appalachian dialect. Also, something about having a world-famous opera star present makes people step up their games. Who knew?
Every tells me I could perform if I wanted to. People tell me I can sing at the Met. They tell me I could sing at all the big opera houses in Europe. They say, because of the size of my voice, that I am able to sing repertoire only about 1% of the population can sing. I believe them. My beliefs also follow that God gifts us each differently, and for a specific purpose. By that belief, how can I ignore all these things? I know that musical ability doesn't mean you will perform. Lizzy has musical ability, but performing isn't anywhere close to her radar. My mom was a child prodigy, but performing wasn't what she was supposed to do. But I've gotten basically through my undergrad, and it is only becoming clearer that I can do it. God gave me a voice. God gave me ability. God keeps opening doors for me to perform. Why am I hesitant?
Marie (the director of opera here at WSU) asked me "Sean, is it because you are worried you won't find work? That's the only reason to not want to want it that I can think of. And let me tell you this: You will find work. There is no doubt about that". So, that's no longer a viable fear. I think I am scared to want something that isn't concrete. I don't know what a performing career looks like. It isn't stable. It is constantly changing. These are things that I, typically, am not a fan of. I don't like being away from family for long periods of time. I don't like unfamiliar environments. But I like performing. I hate admitting it, but I really do. I might even love it. It takes so much out of me, but I love it. I believe that love, that passion, was given to me so that I can pursue it. But man I don't want to.
Jeremiah 29:11 will tell me that God has incredible plans for me that will only lead to good. I trust that. But do I trust it enough to jump into something so terrifying? I think we all deal with this fear. I have dealt with it so many times. I'm going to end this post with something I wrote two years ago. It is insane to me that two years ago I was feeling similar things that I am feeling now. Things seem to cycle like that.
I’m standing at a precipice. Behind me is this life that
I’ve always known, and always had. In front of me is an enormous plunge that,
should I choose to take it, could totally change my life. I think it really
comes down to a simple choice between two things: fear and trust. For me, fear isn’t the
opposite of bravery. It is the opposite of trust. The only time I am fearful is
when I don’t have trust in the Lord. I love the Lord. I trust Him. So, why is
it so hard to take this leap? Why is it so hard to choose utter and complete
trust, and to let go of this life I’ve always known, and always had?
The thing is, only I know the answer to that. It’s not a
thought that another human can supply me with. It has to come from within this
brain God created for me. That’s the unfortunate part. I take note that the
right choice isn’t ever easy. I’m reminded of those quotes that I read all
through elementary school about how we should stand for what we believe in even
if it means standing alone, and how the right choice isn’t always the popular
choice. Trust is something many people struggle with. I believe that giving
myself over to Him gives me life beyond my wildest imagination. I want that. I yearn for that.
All through my life, I have yearned to fly. I know it’s not
currently a reality that will come true, but that doesn’t stop my heart from
longing for that experience. If I leap from this precipice, I will fly. God has
promised me that, in His own way. I pine for it. It is my heart’s truest
desire. So, why can’t I get my feet off the ground? It’s quite frustrating.
However, at least I’m at the edge now. Two years ago, I couldn’t even
contemplate this time in my life; much less see where it might change. That’s
progress. God has the pieces in place. I just need to put the king in checkmate.
I have the relationships, definitely. My friends build me
up, they sharpen me, they challenge me, and we grow together. I love them. I
love my family more than I ever knew that I would. I love my work, and my
studies. It is so obviously what I want to be doing. So is this whole ministry,
thing. My heart gets excited at the thought of my middle schoolers, or of
working with the leaders, or even of that boys’ home! I want to do that so
badly. I have to know, though, that I can’t TRULY lead until I give it all over
to God. I’ve done it before on some level, but I need to take charge of my
handing over the steering wheel; not that that makes any sense, but it really
does. I need to make it happen. I need to give it all up.
Which will you choose:
fear or trust? Will you choose to fly? I will. I choose trust. I just
need to leap. Leap from this platform, this precipice. The rest of my life and
the whole world are over this cliff. It is all spread out before me for the
taking. I just need to…jump.
Ready… Set…
