Sometimes loving sucks.

My summer staff coordinator at Malibu told me that I'm safe. At first I was like "crap. I don't want to be safe. I want to be adventuresome and daring. I want to be a little wild". Then he went on to clarify. He said "Sean, I think you're safe. People feel safe with you. They are comfortable confiding in you. I think that you have heard things from people on our summer staff that no one else has, and that's an incredible gift." Hmm... Well... I guess I agree. People often tell me stuff about their lives. One of my favorite things in the world is listening to someone talk about his or her life. 

Part of the reason Malibu was such a wonderful experience was that I got to hear about so many lives. We all shared our respective lives with each other. From hearing a sort of overview, we had the opportunity to delve into each other's lives and go a little, or a lot, deeper with each other. Hearing the things a person struggles, or has struggled, with in life wasn't hard for me at Malibu. For one thing, I knew that they knew the Lord and really trusted His redemption of all things. I trust that, too. Because of that, this incredible trust was formed between people. We knew that these things had been made clean by His grace and that those things, whatever they were/are, do not define us anymore. And trust me, I heard some hard things. Sin is a very prevalent thing. The brokenness of the world is evident in our lives. It's a fact. However, and thank God for this, by Grace we have been saved. Because of grace these things do not matter anymore. We do not have to pay the price for that as someone already did that for us. I know these things to be true. So, why do I have such a hard time hearing about brokenness back home?

We had opera auditions Monday and Tuesday, and for my audition I sang an Aria from the opera Susannah (that's the one we're doing). The whole crux of the piece is "it must make the Good Lord sad". The opening line says "It's about the way people is made, I reckon, and how they like to believe what's bad. How short they are on lovin' kindness, it must make the Good Lord sad". In order to actually perform an aria well, you have to delve into the meaning of the text. What is that about the situation that makes me say these words? Why am I singing about something? What is it that makes the Good Lord sad? A line later says "Way out yonder somewheres the Lord's great heart must break at seein' how men treat one another and say they're doin' it all fer his sake". In exploring the emotional context of this aria, I was reminded of how screwed up life can get. And it breaks my heart. I can't shake it. 

I told Lizzy that people tend to hand me their brokenness. They open up and let me poke around a little bit, and then they just give it all to me. I love that. I love when someone says "Sean, I really am having a hard time with marijuana right now." or "Sean, I started drinking and I wanted you to hear it from me, And I'm having a hard time with girls, too". Or "Sean, I struggle with this, this, and this, but I don't really know what to do". Even if someone isn't coming to me specifically for help, I love it. I love/hate/love sharing my brokenness with others. It's important. However, literally my only desire when someone opens up to me is to heal it. I also know that I cannot do that. To truly desire the one thing that you cannot do really sucks. So, even knowing that I can't heal it, I still carry it with me like it is my burden and it just weighs on my heart. And I continue wishing that I could heal it. But I can't. I have never felt so human. 

I don't care what your brokenness is. Literally, I don't care. I love to hear about it. I love to pray for it. I love to love you through that brokenness. In fact, I think it makes me love you more. I wish you didn't have to carry it with you. I wish I could help you more than I am. I love that let me in. I wish you didn't run away from the Healer of all things. I wish you would turn back and run toward Him. I know that it's hard. I know that it's more fun to do these other things sometimes. I also know the greatest love that we can't even fathom and the life of joy that comes with that. And I know that I want you to know it, too.

I just can't help but smile

Holy cow. Canada was truly one of the best months of my life. I cannot handle how much I loved it. I was blessed with the best group I have ever worked with at a camp, in one of the most beautiful places, serving a God that I love and adore, doing something that I love. What could be better?

If you don't know, I was working in the kitchen. The majority of the people that worked with us I can really say are some of the best friends. We aren't necessarily best friends, but they are the best friends. They are just extremely high quality people, and they are great at being friends. Two of them that I want to talk about are Meredith and Cassidy. I became quite close with those two. Cass was the intern that I worked most closely with, and Meredith was on Summer Staff with me, but she was in the bakery.

Each week, Cass and I got to grill hamburgers for anywhere from 400-500 people. It quickly became our favorite time of the week. Week two, we decided to try and expedite the process by baking the burgers first and searing them on the grill. All that did was start a grease fire and give the grill its name: Katniss, the Grill on Fire. Even if the baking process had worked out, we decided that we had to grill them. It was the only time that Cass and I got to hang out just the two of us and still be working diligently. If you asked Cass what she liked about the time she would say "All we do is have really deep, intense heart talks, and cuss at each other. Or, rather, cuss at the grill" (I don't know what it is about grilling hamburgers and having your arm hair singed off that makes you cuss, but it does). She was absolutely right. We had very real talk while we were grilling hamburgers, and we discovered that we are very similar. Basically, Cass and I have the same brain and the same heart. The catch is that we have completely different personalities. But it kept it interesting. Also, because of Cassidy, I am confident that I can defend myself with any item in the Malibu Club kitchen. She would yell "defense" and two seconds later I was being accosted in some fashion or another. It certainly kept me on my toes.

One of my favorite parts about Cass is that, while she was an intern, she and I are the same age. In fact, I am a couple months older than her. While she was my leader, through the month she and I grew closer and closer to the middle ground, and eventually almost switched positions on things. We got to know each other well enough and respected each other enough that she was comfortable talking to me if she was having a tough time, and I was comfortable with the same. We become more of equals, while still maintaining our specific roles in the Young Life hierarchy. It was awesome. That friendship has continued since, and I love it.

I don't have as much to say about Meredith because words can't quite describe her. She is literally the happiest person I know, and because of that people around her are happier. She said that her favorite way to share Jesus is through her smile. No matter what. Even if she's crying, she's smiling a little bit. She told me that before she met me, while she was creeping on my Facebook, she told her twin sister "I'm going to be friends with him. I can tell". And boy was she right. She was the only person I cried for when leaving. Truly. And I cried. She just immediately became like a sister. There is something about people that bring each other joy that just sends a friendship through the roof. And she made everyone happy. It's just in her very being. She also has a really thick Texas accent, which made everything she said funny. Plus, it was just so endearing. Just awesome. I miss her.

Being around Cass and Meredith taught me about joy. I'm a decently happy person, but they really showed me what it was like to seek joy wherever you are. You can always find joy, you just have to be open to it. Since coming back, I have truly been a happier person. It's beautiful. There is no sense in worrying excessively about things. It detracts from your joy. Does that mean I will never worry? Oh Lord no. But I'm going to strive to work on today. I will worry about tomorrow when it comes. Today has enough of its own problems. The hardest part of that has to do with relationships. I always pick at them and try to find something that is wrong with my friendships. I need to not. I need to just love the time I get with people and be filled with joy that they give me. I would challenge you to seek joy always. I believe the Lord delights when we delight. And everyone loves to be happy. Plus, your chances of participating in Shenanigans sky rockets when you are seeking joy.

P.S. I reunited with my Mini Me after not seeing each other for 3 months. Talk about joy. I still can't handle it.

1 Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

2 Worship the Lord with gladness; 

come before him with joyful songs. 

3 Know that the Lord is God. 

It is he who made us, and we are his; 

we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. 

4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise; 

Give thanks to him and praise his name. 

5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; 

his faithfulness continues through all generations.