There isn't anything quite like a good book

Matt has ignited my obsessive tendencies... He got me hooked on a new musician (new to me), a new dumb game on my phone, and a book trilogy. He told me about all of these things, and I called Shenanigans every time. I'm hopeless. More than that, I am a sucker for fantasy. And let me tell you, this is fantasy. It's called Mistborn, and it involves having powers fueled by various metals. The really cool thing is that the author does a remarkable job of giving the powers limits. They are limited by nature, however, beyond that they are as unlimited as one's imagination. It is a wild concept that I am absolutely hooked on. There is political manipulation, magic, a budding romance, plot twists galore, an unassuming scrawny main character that of course turns out to be super bad ass. Yet, beyond all that, there is an element that really, really resonates with me.

Without delving into the actual story line, I'll discuss what I mean (I really think you should go read this the next time you need a good fantasy). The main character has an immense amount of trust issues. She believes that everyone will eventually betray, use, or hurt her in some way. Hello, darkness my old friend. The majority of you reading this did not know me in high school, but mistrust was the flag I waved. I had some not so hot friendships early on, plus a not so hot relationship with my father, which made even less hot friendships with guys specifically. I had a long-term ticket on the struggle bus. I didn't trust most people. There were a couple friends that wormed their way in, and a couple that had me fooled and really burned me. But that is life. And man, once I read those issues in this book, I immediately put the book down and didn't touch it for a week. But Matt kept mentioning Mistborn, and I did purchase it, so I finally just gave in and went to town. Mostly so I could have something to discuss with Matt. We definitely struggle with conversation... (Note that if there was a sarcasm font, I would have used it just then).

Well, despite being a great read, there was a quote that really stuck out to me. As you can imagine, through the course of the story, many of those trust issues began to resolve. This quote hit me in the face:

"Well, that's kind of what trust is, isn't it? A willful self-delusion? You have to shut out that voice that whispers about betrayal, and just hope that your friends aren't going to hurt you."

Hmmm.... If you have ever struggled with trust issues like I have, you might know what I am about to say. It isn't that simple, and yet it really is. At some point, you have to decide that people do care, or that people aren't just using you. I always tell people that my friend Kyle convinced me to trust people again. That's not true. He proved to me that he cared, and I decided to listen to that instead of the the voice that whispers about betrayal. In the end, I had to make that choice. It was, actually is, one of the hardest decisions for me. It's really easy to mistrust people and rely on yourself, because it is safe. I would think "I won't hurt myself. If I don't let anyone in and only rely on myself, then I won't get hurt." I say it is one of the hardest decisions for me because, on some level, I have to decide that every day. Old habits die hard, and our inner demons are relentless. Sometimes, I want to just rely on myself. I want to say "Sorry, Lizzy" or Meredith, or Aaron, or whomever. But the reality is that I am not saving myself. In fact, I am only hurting myself. We are designed to be relational people. Don't believe in God? That's fine. But you have to acknowledge that whether by Grand Design, or mere happenstance, people need each other. We need relationships. I can't speak for everyone when I say this, but I know that I am happiest when I am sharing a moment with a friend. That moment can be anything. My personal favorite is when you're sharing one of those gifts you have been given with another person. 

My high schoolers (you knew they would come up eventually) prove to me that people need each other all the time. The fact that they want a relationship with a non-athletic, long-haired, bearded college senior (AHHH) can only be fueled by a need for relationship. The kid I tutor is not dumb by any means. Maybe he's unmotivated, but let me tell you, the minute someone took time and invested in his progress, he changed immensely. He just needed to have someone willing to go through the experience with him. I'm terrified of needles. I made Schnelly go with me to get a shot once, and despite her adamant refusal to hold my hand, having a person there experiencing it with me made it better. Plus, now I can twist that into how terrible and mean she is to me :-)

I can't say that I will never be distrustful again, because chances are I will wake up tomorrow distrustful. I can't say that I won't push someone away because of it. But I can say that ignoring the whispers of betrayal is so worth it. Each of you reading this, at least the ones I have told about it, have experienced something with me. Maybe it was day 7 at Trail West. Maybe it was 7 years of putting up with each other. Maybe it is being twins, or major/mini me, or roommates. I don't know what it is you are thinking of, but I need you to know that I am grateful. I am grateful for your constant love and support. I am grateful for the times we drive each other crazy. I am grateful for the Shenanigans we uncover. I am grateful.

The Soap Box of a 70 Year Old

There's something very comforting in knowing that you can work through an issue with a friend, however big or small the issue may be. 

I leave for Italy in 2 weeks. 2 weeks from right now, I will be either on an airplane or in Athens, Greece. I'm mildly terrified, but I think I've resigned to the fact that I'm going. I'm starting to get a little excited for my five weeks in Europe. Followed by a week at home, and 5 weeks in Canada. This summer is going to be the craziest of my life.

I don't know why I'm surprised that I start becoming close to new people just in time to leave for three months. Or why I'm surprised that I start discussing the prospect of dating someone (kind of joking, but definitely kind of not) just before I leave for three months. I definitely don't know why I'm surprised when things are completely okay after a slight bump in the road of friendship. Whatever. I give up.

Remember the Young Life kid I'm tutoring? He is killing it. I am so proud of him. His dad told me that it's looking like the kid will get to go to camp this summer. Heck. Yes. I already liked this kid a lot. In fact, he was the very first kid I met almost three years ago when I started Young Life in Wichita. We have definitely gotten a lot closer because of this tutoring experience. He has really shown me the importance of having someone believe in you. He has taught me what it means to fulfill a need for someone I care about. And he has definitely affirmed my desire to teach. I swear, if I can get this kid to enjoy studying vocab, then I can teach anyone how to sing. Fact. I went to his house last week to encourage him to start a project. He pulls up his computer and shows me that he is already seventy percent done on the project. It blew my mind. I think he just needed someone to care and to take a little time. He's doing all the work. It makes my job so easy.

Dr. Crum has this uncanny ability to always be right, always be sassy, and teach me more about life and faith than I ever would have expected. She tells me exactly how it is, to the point of it being really hard to take some days. But I know she loves me, even when she is telling me I'm a lazy student (she's right. always). When I finally agreed to go to Italy this summer, she said "Oh good! I can have my husband meet me over there, and we can work on this while we are there and this and that and this and that." and went on for a couple minutes. And then she stopped and said "I mean, that's if you're okay with my going". I looked at her and said "Dotty, I wouldn't have it any other way" for which I got a lot of grief, because she hates "Dotty". Ever read the poem "Our Deepest Fear"?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The other day in our lesson, she was telling me something about needing to live up to my full potential, and basically summarized this poem without meaning to. I love this part "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world." How more cut and dry can it be? We are gifted with various things for a reason. This is why I don't relate to the insecurity that follows many singers. I don't care what anyone else is capable of, in that it has absolutely zero bearing on what I am capable of doing. I know that I have my own instrument, and I have something that offer that no one else has. Everyone has something unique to offer. God gives us gifts because He wants us to use them. That gift could be teaching, singing, something athletic, writing, engineering, sewing, the list goes on and on. I think our culture makes it difficult to identify what we are bad at, and inversely what we are good at. We are of the "consolation prize" society. "Good try. Just because you participated, here is a prize". I think that cheapens success, and it can mute the encouragement of loss. In our culture, it is frowned upon to be great at something, or at least to share it. If a person talks about what they are great it, they are classified as arrogant. Humility, to us, is in not discussing our strengths. I think humility is identifying where your strengths come from, and giving credit where credit is due. You can share your gifts without bragging. And using our gifts, sharing our gifts, is what it is all about. What good is your voice if you don't speak? I have had a lot of hesitation about this trip to Italy, and Dr. Crum said "Sean, God has provided this opportunity for you. He has given you this voice, and people will be drawn to you because of it. So dammit, use it! You don't have to be a performer, but you should definitely grow your gifts to its full potential, and you should share that with people when you have the opportunity". 

When I first started typing this post, to be quite honest, I wasn't sure which direction I wanted to take. I honestly thought it would be a post about friendships. Turns out I was wrong. Although, friendships can exemplify gifts. I have been blessed with friends that support me in my gifts. I have been blessed with friends that participate in my gifts with me. Accompanying for my friends is one of my all time favorite things. Something about being in that support position, and creating together, just gets me. Listening to a friend can be a gift, not only to them, but also a gift that God has given. Some people are bad listeners. It is a fact. To be frank, figuring out your gift can be difficult. I've been fortunate enough to know that I wanted to teach music since I was in first grade. Sometimes figuring out what your gift is in fine, but knowing what you want to do with that is the tricky part. But life cannot happen without experiences. Gifts cannot be uncovered without experiencing the world. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

I love that. I encourage you, friends, to make manifest the glory of God that is within you. But, Sean, I don't know what it is. Well, find out. Explore the world. Volunteer. Start a rebellion. Backpack through Europe. Take a road trip. Hug a friend. Let a friend love you. Cross something off your bucket list. Sing a song. Dance. And most of all, have yourself some Shenanigans.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate

Life never stops moving. That is a reality I am being forced to acknowledge more than I would like to. I only have three days of classes left in this semester. That absolutely blows my mind. Three weeks from right now, I will be in Athens, Greece, anticipating travel through Greece and Italy, and a month in Lucca, Italy. Where the heck did the time go?

Yesterday, I gave a recital at my church as a fundraiser for Italy. They took a love offering for me. People were definitely not required to donate. However, most did. The members of my church donated $1,000 to my trip. I am still in shock. Completely overwhelmed doesn't quite describe the feeling. Lately, I have been in awe of God's providence. I always tell people that God provides us with what we need most, and recently it has just been really apparent to me. My job at Grace Presbyterian, for instance, was too much of a coincidence for it not to have been designed. I met a guy through Young Life that told me about the job. I ignored it. Four months later, the job was still available. Here's the thing: piano jobs do not stay open in Wichita. They fill up in a hurry. However, it remained. I decided that I should pay attention. I auditioned and got the job as choir accompanist. Only then they found out I can sing. And then they needed a piano player for the band. And then the tenor soloist left, so they needed another one. But, why hire another when your accompanist happens to be a tenor? Grace Presbyterian has been a family for me, and I have been able to fill many needs for them. I am so blessed by that church. I cannot express the joy I receive from being there. It saddens me to be away the entire summer.

I have to tell you about Bridget. Bridget is my accompanist at school, but more than that she is one of my best friends. If you were to ask me to list my closest friends, my 68 year voice teacher would be listed, as well as my 40 year old accompanist. Originally, I had a different accompanist, but then the schedules didn't match up, so I called Bridget. I am so glad the schedules didn't match up. Bridget and I gossip like teenage girls. We talk about the very real life struggles we have. We laugh until we cry. And sometimes, we just cry a little bit. She is a phenomenal talent, and just an incredible person. On my recital, we performed a song called I Once Knew from Edges. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfVFvCGVmus I have to say, it was the most emotional performance I have ever been a part of. We knew it would be. Performing a piece that moves you and everyone around you is a very unique experience. It is one that is made even more special when you are able to feel those emotions with your fellow performer. Bridget and I know that it gets to each of us. We haven't discussed it, but I somehow feel "safer" exploring that emotional content knowing that Bridget is exploring it with me. If I had my original accompanist, I don't know what that would have been like. But God definitely provided me with the right friend in Bridget.

The reason I Once Knew gets to me is because it is a son singing to his mom. http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/edgesasongcycle/ionceknew.htm

Those are the lyrics. My mom might not like me writing this, but she was depressed for a good chunk of time when I was younger. And my dad wasn't a particularly good husband or father. The lyrics talk about a woman who wasn't scared to be challenged, a woman who could wipe away anyone's tears, a woman who had a laugh just like thunder, and a woman who saw all my moments, who taught me to sing and to stand up for myself. My mom is all of those things. Recently, she and I had to work through some issues pertaining to her having been depressed, and how my life might be different if she hadn't been depressed. My mother is the strongest person I know. She has always been there for me, and she never gives up. Sometimes, she is scared. Sometimes she has a hard time understanding why people are the way they are, just like I do. She always keeps going. She always reminds me of who I am and what I stand for (Matt, next time you ask me, I might have an answer). She is always comforting. When I was a sophomore in high school, she had cancer. She almost died while undergoing treatment. I walked into the ICU to see my mom hooked up to all these machines, barely conscious, on a diet of ice chips. She took my hand and told me that it was going to be okay. That pretty much sums her up. So, naturally, that song resonates with me. "Everything is fine, Mom, you can't be afraid". I sang that line, let a bit of silence in, heard my mom sob, and just about lost it. But we got through it. Sometimes, I think my mother has had to be too strong. But the bottom line is that I wouldn't be the same person if life had gone differently. God knew what He was doing.

I have the best friends in the world. I can talk to them about anything, and I usually do just that. Lizzy and I are able to talk about our fears, our loves, and everything in between. I am so appreciative of her. She and I have been friends for almost seven years, now. That is the longest, close friendship that I have had. Meredith keeps me on my toes. She's not afraid to ask me the hard questions that always make me think. And she's not afraid to do stupid stuff with me, or to me, depending on the situation. When I reflect on these friendships, I am blown away with the timing of them. Lizzy and I became friends just as we were really starting to develop our own senses of faith. Sometimes, I thought she was crazy. Usually, she was right (you better bookmark this one, Lizzy. You won't hear it again). Regardless, she shaped me, and always encourages me in my walk. She always keeps me fresh on my macaroni and cheese recipe. And the vegetables game. Meredith came into my life just in time for me to do some healing, which she played an integral part in. Similarly, Aaron showed up right when I really needed that best friend. I have been provided with these beautiful relationships just when I need them. Matt and I have really gotten close this semester. It's fun seeing him go through things that I went through. And trust me, I went through them. He's my Mini Me. We don't use that term lightly. But just as I feel like I'm supposed to be older and wiser, I learn from him. It is a blast to be able to share joy with someone. That is something I experience with all my friends. It is simply very prevalent with Matt because we spend an unhealthy amount of time together in classes, our quartet, writing music, and then just hanging out to hang out. And he came into my life right when I needed it. Those of you on Summer Staff, I count you as well. You all taught me so much. My favorite thing about these friendships is the ability to be honest with each other. And the ability to laugh. I have laughed until I cried with each of you. Except Matt and Lizzy. They are not funny at all. Fortunately, I make up for it.

As I get ready to leave the country for three months, I realize that I am terrified. I am scared that things will change. In fact, I know they will. I also know that my friendships won't change. But there's still a little fear. I think the biggest fear that I have is that someone will need me when I am gone. I fear that someone will pass away, or someone will get hurt, or just need me, and I won't be able to be there. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. True. And while I agree with the rest of the poem on some level, my greatest fear right now is not being able to be there for someone. I think I Once Knew resonates so much with me because I need to hear it. Sometimes, I need that reminder that everything is fine, and that I can't be afraid. I have to keep laughing with a laugh like thunder. I have to keep pouring love into people, even when the people that pour love into me are thousands of miles away.

Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you Hope and a Future'". I have always tried to trust that. This is NOT the time to stop that, however tempting it might be. I think my fear is reason enough for me to go. I'm sure Greece, Italy, and eventually Canada will be filled with Shenanigans. As Dr. Crum told me when I was expressing my fear of leaving my friends: we will certainly have a lot to catch up on upon my return. And what a return it will be...DIRECTLY in to school. Typical. Who would want a break? Oh yeah... me. Too bad. Life never slows down. You might as well jump in, or you might miss it.