There isn't anything quite like a good book

Matt has ignited my obsessive tendencies... He got me hooked on a new musician (new to me), a new dumb game on my phone, and a book trilogy. He told me about all of these things, and I called Shenanigans every time. I'm hopeless. More than that, I am a sucker for fantasy. And let me tell you, this is fantasy. It's called Mistborn, and it involves having powers fueled by various metals. The really cool thing is that the author does a remarkable job of giving the powers limits. They are limited by nature, however, beyond that they are as unlimited as one's imagination. It is a wild concept that I am absolutely hooked on. There is political manipulation, magic, a budding romance, plot twists galore, an unassuming scrawny main character that of course turns out to be super bad ass. Yet, beyond all that, there is an element that really, really resonates with me.

Without delving into the actual story line, I'll discuss what I mean (I really think you should go read this the next time you need a good fantasy). The main character has an immense amount of trust issues. She believes that everyone will eventually betray, use, or hurt her in some way. Hello, darkness my old friend. The majority of you reading this did not know me in high school, but mistrust was the flag I waved. I had some not so hot friendships early on, plus a not so hot relationship with my father, which made even less hot friendships with guys specifically. I had a long-term ticket on the struggle bus. I didn't trust most people. There were a couple friends that wormed their way in, and a couple that had me fooled and really burned me. But that is life. And man, once I read those issues in this book, I immediately put the book down and didn't touch it for a week. But Matt kept mentioning Mistborn, and I did purchase it, so I finally just gave in and went to town. Mostly so I could have something to discuss with Matt. We definitely struggle with conversation... (Note that if there was a sarcasm font, I would have used it just then).

Well, despite being a great read, there was a quote that really stuck out to me. As you can imagine, through the course of the story, many of those trust issues began to resolve. This quote hit me in the face:

"Well, that's kind of what trust is, isn't it? A willful self-delusion? You have to shut out that voice that whispers about betrayal, and just hope that your friends aren't going to hurt you."

Hmmm.... If you have ever struggled with trust issues like I have, you might know what I am about to say. It isn't that simple, and yet it really is. At some point, you have to decide that people do care, or that people aren't just using you. I always tell people that my friend Kyle convinced me to trust people again. That's not true. He proved to me that he cared, and I decided to listen to that instead of the the voice that whispers about betrayal. In the end, I had to make that choice. It was, actually is, one of the hardest decisions for me. It's really easy to mistrust people and rely on yourself, because it is safe. I would think "I won't hurt myself. If I don't let anyone in and only rely on myself, then I won't get hurt." I say it is one of the hardest decisions for me because, on some level, I have to decide that every day. Old habits die hard, and our inner demons are relentless. Sometimes, I want to just rely on myself. I want to say "Sorry, Lizzy" or Meredith, or Aaron, or whomever. But the reality is that I am not saving myself. In fact, I am only hurting myself. We are designed to be relational people. Don't believe in God? That's fine. But you have to acknowledge that whether by Grand Design, or mere happenstance, people need each other. We need relationships. I can't speak for everyone when I say this, but I know that I am happiest when I am sharing a moment with a friend. That moment can be anything. My personal favorite is when you're sharing one of those gifts you have been given with another person. 

My high schoolers (you knew they would come up eventually) prove to me that people need each other all the time. The fact that they want a relationship with a non-athletic, long-haired, bearded college senior (AHHH) can only be fueled by a need for relationship. The kid I tutor is not dumb by any means. Maybe he's unmotivated, but let me tell you, the minute someone took time and invested in his progress, he changed immensely. He just needed to have someone willing to go through the experience with him. I'm terrified of needles. I made Schnelly go with me to get a shot once, and despite her adamant refusal to hold my hand, having a person there experiencing it with me made it better. Plus, now I can twist that into how terrible and mean she is to me :-)

I can't say that I will never be distrustful again, because chances are I will wake up tomorrow distrustful. I can't say that I won't push someone away because of it. But I can say that ignoring the whispers of betrayal is so worth it. Each of you reading this, at least the ones I have told about it, have experienced something with me. Maybe it was day 7 at Trail West. Maybe it was 7 years of putting up with each other. Maybe it is being twins, or major/mini me, or roommates. I don't know what it is you are thinking of, but I need you to know that I am grateful. I am grateful for your constant love and support. I am grateful for the times we drive each other crazy. I am grateful for the Shenanigans we uncover. I am grateful.