Abba's Child

I've been reading this book "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning. I've had the book for years, tried to read it from time to time, and finally committed to it this summer. I don't read it often, largely because it takes me a bit to process the content. Sometimes I can read a page or two and have to put it down, while other times I can read a full chapter or two. This book has taught me to look at some things from a new perspective, challenged me, and confirmed some ideas that I've felt in my heart, but never verbalized. I want to share a couple passages. The chapter comparing the inner pharisee in us who carefully calculates all his actions, is judgmental, puts on face in order to filter what the world sees, tries to hold others to the standard of the law, etc. The child is honest, open, and simply exists. There is not facade. There is only genuine sincerity in all he does and feels.

"The child spontaneously expresses emotions; the pharisee carefully represses them...John Powell once said with sadness that as an epitaph for his parents' tombstone he would have been compelled to write: "Here lie two people who never knew one another." His father could never share his feelings, so his mother never got to know him. To open yourself to another person, to stop lying about your loneliness and your fears, to be honest about your affections, and to tell others how much they mean to you -- this openness is the triumph of the child over the pharisee and a sign of the dynamic presence of the Holy Spirit. "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17)

To ignore, repress, or dismiss our feelings is to fail to listen to the stirrings of the Spirit within our emotional life....

Emotions are our most direct reaction to our perception of ourselves and the world around us. Whether positive or negative, feelings put us in touch with our true selves. They are neither good nor bad: They are simply the truth of what is going on within us. What we do with our feelings will determine whether we live lives of honesty or of deceit. When submitted to the discretion of a faith-formed intellect, our emotions serve as trustworthy beacons for appropriate action or inaction. The denial, displacement, and repression of feelings thwarts self-intimacy."

I just love these passages. I read them for the first time, almost dropped the book, and had to re-read them a couple times. These passages articulated my heart. I've always been a hot mess of emotion, and I've apologized for that thinking I shouldn't be that way. However, in the last couple of years I have believed that we feel things for a reason. There isn't any connotation there, it is simply how we are reacting, and that reaction must be experienced. I love it. And when you are comfortable enough to share these inner longings of your heart, or the way your heart hurts or loves or feels, genuine friendship can be attained. It's an incredible experience. I've been fortunate enough to experience that mutual trust and honesty with friends, and I'm better for it. There are times when it is the scariest, hardest thing that you have ever done, but I promise it is worth it. 

Over the summer, Jasper (my best friend at the ranch) ran into emotional Sean a lot. He would worry, but I'd just tell him "Jasper, I have to feel this out. Yes, I'm mad. Let me be mad. I won't be mad for long, but I have to experience the emotion." Eventually Jasper and I got to a place where he knew. He knew when to hug me, he knew when to let me blow of steam, and he knew when to push me to open up. Because of that trust, I was able to tell him when something had hurt me that was related to him, and we were able to move through it. And then he shared the same things. I could share my insecurities with him, and he could share his troubles with me. That kind of friendship lends itself to complete comfort with one another, and just the highest quality of relationship. I want everyone to know that. I know that insecurity can be debilitating, and the most terrifying thing. My prayer is that each person knows this genuine love and friendship with at least one other. You will be happier for it, I guarantee. 

The Return "Home"

This is something I feel I have been avoiding. The reasoning behind that is uncertain to me, so I have no clue how I might explain it in writing. Even as this page loaded and I saw the blank space before me, waiting to be filled with me thoughts, I was overcome with a strong emotion, the likes of which I can't explain (I'm sensing a theme). I think I have probably been in denial about my return home. While yes, I have physically been here, and mentally, my heart is still back in Oregon. Facing that is difficult for me, and isn't something that I particularly want to do. I've know this is the case, but I haven't actually processed it. All things in due time, I suppose.

My experiences out at Washington Family Ranch absolutely changed my life. I learned the capacity of my heart, the humanness of emotion, and the limitations of Sean. Friendships blossomed, my heart healed, my will was challenged, and my faith grew. My heart broke at least four times, I felt so alone, and I experienced frustration and defeat to a degree that I have never before seen. People loved me more than I thought they could, and I loved them. Multiple families took me in faster than I thought possible. Oh, and I also cooked meals for five hundred people daily, led a crew of volunteers, and ran a kitchen. Then I drove back half-way across the country with a dear, dear friend, slept in a miserably hot hotel room, visited a college, saw old friends, and returned to Wichita. 

Before I went to Oregon, I absolutely called Wichita "home". However, now it feels strange. "Home" cannot possibly feel like what I've been feeling. Now, this isn't to say that I haven't been happy. I have been thrilled to see everyone, work with them, live with them, etc, but how can this be home when my heart is in the Pacific Northwest? How am I to love all these people with whom I didn't speak for 3.5 months? I feel so "out of the loop". So much can change in that length of time, and so much did change in that length of time. I know that while I was growing and changing, so were my friends. Explaining the differences in me seems an impossible task, and understanding the changes in my friends - how their experiences shaped them this summer when I wasn't here to experience with them - seems to be the same. Right now, Antelope, OR with some of my best friends in the world feels way more like home than Wichita does. I've absolutely been scared to face this. Writing it down means I'm processing it, and that is what I have been running to avoid. I don't want to realize how much my heart aches. I don't want to long for that place and those people. I don't want to have to get to know my best friends here in Wichita all over again, but that's almost what it seems like I have to do. I don't want to observe the grief of a broken heart that is simultaneously filled with joy of a return to a once-loved place.

More than anything, I want to be back in that God-forsaken bunk-bed having Pillow Talk with Justin and Swan, or listening to Jasper recite poetry to us. I want to play piano with Jasper. I want to quote Madea with Tayler while doing our best to feed so many people. I want to lean on Justin when my heart hurts. I want to stay up late talking about life with Kristin. I want Emily to yell my name across the kitchen in the way only she ever did. I want to hear Coleen's and Becca's hearts and have them hear mine. I want to work for ten hours in a kitchen with college kids I've never met but love dearly. I want to be present in Wichita. I want to practice diligently and continue learning to sing. I want to serve the students I accompany well. I want to love my best friends. I want to dive into community with my roommates. I want to help lead a music ministry at church. But man, this is difficult. I feel like I'm putting on face, but I don't know how to not. I told a dear friend "sometimes getting through is all you can do. It doesn't have to look pretty, in fact it probably won't, but at least you got through it". Well, time to eat my own words. I have to get through and know that this, too, shall pass. There's reasoning behind all of it. 

This summer changed my life. I want to go back, and hopefully I will be back there at some point. But for now I need to be "home". I'm blessed by a great community of people here in Wichita. I have a mentor, I have three roommates who keep me on my toes, jobs that I love, a great voice teacher, wonderful friends, a loving family near by, a piano, a guitar, a church, and so many things beyond these. We just have to get to know each other again. I'm different, all those things are different, so it's time to own that, dive into differences, and see how they compliment each other. I know they will. I trust that Jesus has His hand on all of it. I just have to choose to see it.

Week 1 of Summer Camp

Summer camping is in full swing! We closed our first week of camp today. So, with that comes our long-term volunteers!! I have four summer staffers on the PM shift. I love them so stinkin' much. Truly. They are incredible. Their names are Rachel, Lindsay, Corey, and Joel.

Rachel is a super sweet person who is really easily overwhelmed. She isn't sure she can't handle anything, but she really can. She's intelligent, a good worker, and just sincere. The strangest things make her laugh, which in turn makes me laugh. Lindsay is a champ. She's a really hard worker, she's quick and very thorough. She's the baby, having just graduated high school. Her laugh is really loud and infectious. I know that I can count on her for any job and she isn't afraid to get her hands dirty. Corey is a really interesting person. He had a stroke when he was 9 months old, and so he has limited use of his right hand. Fortunately, he has a good work ethic and makes up for it. It isn't something I even notice half the time. I frequently tell him he's a sassafras because of all that sass. He's hilarious, though. It isn't the blatant sass. He just has really sassy facial expressions. We laugh a lot because of Corey. Then there's Joel. Joel has a sweet, sincere heart that really shows....when he isn't flirting with all the girls. And he is fast in the kitchen. Man. I know I can give him a job and have it done quickly and done well. He has already started telling me bits and pieces about his life, and I love getting to know him. He's really touchy. I can always count on at least five hugs per shift from Joel. We have a good time. He's my grill-buddy for grilling pineapple. I really love them all so much already. If any of them needed something, I would go running. Truly.

As the PM intern, my days start around 10:30 or 11. I get done anywhere from 8:30 to 11:30. There are some 12 hour days, but at the end of the day I am always in a good mood. My crew and I close each day out with some highlights and areas of improvement, followed by praying. It's just great to do that with each other. I love that time with them. My one responsibility as far as the food goes is dinner. I'm in charge of all dinners. If the AM shift needs help with lunch, we'll jump in and help them with that as soon as we get in there, but if not then we just start on dinner.

Day 1: Tri-tip beef, Garlic Mashed Potatoes, Salad, Rolls, and Dirt'n'Worms for dessert
Day 2: Spaghetti with meat sauce, Caesar salad, garlic bread sticks, and Trainwreck (big brownie fresh out of the oven with ice cream on top) for dessert
Day 3: Enchiladas, Santa Fe salad, Cilantro Lime Rice, Mexican Chocolate cupcakes for dessert
Day 4: Luau dinner! Polynesian Pulled Pork, Coconut Rice, Mango Salsa, Rolls, Mandarin Orange Salad, and Pineapple Coconut cake for dessert.
Day 5: It varies. We don't have campers, so I'm just cooking for the Volunteer Team.

That's all I have for now. I don't spend tons of the time with the interns right now. We are all busy with our jobs, and my job keeps me late. But it's good. It just makes me cherish the time with them that I do get.

P.S. The Camp Musician can SING. Her name is Claire Beck. Man. She's awesome.

Community

This place, and these people, have stolen my heart. I feel kind of silly having grown to love this all so much in such a short time, but it is the state of things. 

I've worked two weekends in the kitchen thus far. Weekends are the important parts, as that is when we have groups in camp during the off-season. The first weekend I had only two work crew beneath me, and they captured my affection, too. That was such a difficult weekend. We had SO MUCH work to do and not the hands to do it. My other interns saved me on a couple different occasions. I am so blessed by my team. Truly. Anyway, the work was hard, but we pulled it off. This last weekend, I had five people on my shift, and not enough work. It was awesome. It was pretty low-key, and we were able to just enjoy what we were doing rather than run frantically around. 

This intern community is still wonderful. We continue to grow closer each day. We have an awesome group of guys. Three of us are pretty affectionate people. As Jasper, one of the kitchen interns, put it "I had know idea guys were so touchy-feely until I met you, Swan, and Justin". It's a lot of fun. Though three of us are similar in that aspect, we are all so different, and I think that's why it works. Jasper and I have gotten to know each other especially well. We work together, so that helps. Plus, I'm not afraid to dig around and ask questions. He isn't the most forthright with information, but if you ask the right questions then he will get talking. It's cool to hear glimpses of the lives of the interns. I'm able to understand them so much more and it helps me figure out how to best love them, ya know? Jasper told me that he hasn't met someone who is so interested in knowing people the way that I want to know people. I took it as a compliment. 

Justin is also one with whom I have bonded well. We are like-hearted individuals. He is going through some stuff right now that hits home with me. It's wonderful to have each other to bounce ideas off of and discuss what we are going through.

I'm just so excited for this summer as it continues. I'm excited for more adventures with the interns. We went to one of the highest places on property for sunset one night. Today three of us drove to Bend, OR for some bro-time and to buy some things that we needed. Two hours of driving one way lends itself to getting to know each other really well. There are lots of shenanigans around the ranch, as well, specifically in the intern housing. Jasper takes a lot of crap from Swan and Justin. They all three take turns telling each other bedtime stories, hahaha. It's hilarious. I'm just grateful for this opportunity to love one another and learn to be vulnerable. It's something that I sometimes struggle with, but it just gets easier.

Sunset from the Firetower

Lastly, I'd be okay with seeing my best friends from home. I don't miss home, and I'm beyond happy here, but it'd be cool if I could have the best of both worlds. Is that just too much to ask? I suppose so. I'll take what I can get :-) There's a plan in all of this. Of that I am confident.

This is My Domain

I believe that the kitchen is one of the holiest places at camp. When I walk in there, I just feel it. I absolutely love what I get to do in that place. It's hard work, and no one in his right mind wants to do that work, but for whatever reason, there isn't a place that I would rather be. In the kitchen, you are forced to rely on one another. One person, two people, even four people, cannot feed 500 campers three times a day, at least not well. We have to ask for help, and look for ways to serve each other. When you get passed any pride around that, and just allow yourself to serve and be served, the community that builds around that is remarkable. I learned so much about that at Malibu last summer. That experience really taught me so much, and is largely the reason that I'm here now.

This morning I set foot into the kitchen for the first time. The other interns saw how I visibly changed. I just got so excited! All I want to do is get in there and work with my summer staff! One of the interns, Emily, said to me "I love to see how much you love it here. You know this is where you're supposed to be, and that's awesome." I hadn't thought about it, but she is right. It is where I'm supposed to be, and I feel that in my bones. We, in the kitchen, have the unique opportunity to serve literally every person on this property multiple times per day. Everyone has to eat, and we provide those meals for them. We are behind the scenes, and it is certainly not the most glorifying job, but it can be so gratifying. Knowing that a meal has gone well, that everyone is fed, and that we prepared delicious, filling food is the best. The cheers when the meal comes out, and knowing that those campers are thrilled to be eating is awesome. I know it isn't so much about us as the food itself, but hey. Just knowing that we have helped to provide that joy grants me so much happiness.

We didn't do much cooking today. We just cleaned, sorted, folded, and prepared ourselves for the time to come. Eventually, we did go to the other camp here and help them in the kitchen. They have guests currently in the off-season, and were short-handed. Jasper, Emily, and Tayler are the names of the other interns. If you're a believer in prayer, prayers for us would be amazing. If not, thoughts will do just fine. I think we have a great group. Though I haven't worked with Tayler yet, she seems wonderful. I pray that we lead well, and know when to follow. The community that will exist among the four of us will be unique. None of us work the same shift, but we all help each other and rely on each other. Tayler and I will overlap for a few hours a day. Jasper will float around between shifts, depending on the need. Emily is overseeing the dining hall. Without one of us, the meals won't happen. We are four parts of a whole that cannot function with just three. It's exciting. Our bosses are great, as well. Though, I haven't met one of them. I've heard good things.

The intern group as a whole is still awesome. We had some really great time last night around a bonfire sharing bits of our lives and our hopes for the summer with one another. And who can be mad at s'mores? This was after a day of scaling a mountain, visiting some beautiful landmarks called the painted hills, and overwhelming a small-town restaurant.

The view from Mt. Wagner.

The Painted Hills

By the way, I didn't realize how much of a Kansan I was until I was in an old Toyota truck driving up the side of a mountain at a grade that made me feel like I was going to flip over backwards. Terrifying. But the view from the top was incredible. I thought I might make it 24 hours before being taken completely out of my comfort zone, but that was not the case. I'm glad I had that experience, though. The interns now have things to laugh at me over.

All good things here. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I'll be back in my domain. Here's to Shenanigans that bring glory to God, and encourage relationships.

I want to see mountains again, Gandalf, mountains...

Well, I made it. If you don't know, I'm working at a Young Life camp in Antelope, OR this summer until August 31st. I'll be in the kitchen on the PM shift, praise the Lord. Truly. I wouldn't make it if I was on the AM. 

When I was offered the position, I accepted immediately and decided then that I would drive to Oregon. Why? I don't know. But that was my decision, and I stuck to that. If you have the ability and the opportunity to drive halfway across the country, do it. It's harder than you could imagine, and way more exciting than I thought it would be. I drove around 1,700 miles in the last three days. The first day I drove from Wichita to Ft. Collins, CO. I've done that drive multiple times, so it wasn't much of anything to me. I got to spend the night with Zach from Work Crew. We've been friends for four years. Crazy. So good to catch up with him.

The next day, I was driving from Ft. Collins to Boise, ID where I would be staying with a friend from Summer Staff at Malibu. That was the long day; it was about a 10.5 hour drive. I wasn't quite looking forward to it. However, once I started driving and I caught glimpse of those foothills and mountains (I drove in the day before in the dark) I started grinning, and I don't think I stopped for two hours. I love the mountains, so much. I don't know what it is about them, but they just captivate me. Driving to Boise, I stopped in Twin Falls, ID. I was planning on grabbing some dinner and killing a little time before coordinating with my friend in Boise. However, I crossed a beautiful canyon with the Snake River running through it... So, I got out at the scenic overhang. Then I read the map and noticed that there were two waterfalls nearby. With some crafty GPS-ing, and some questionably legal, semi-off-roading, I found a spot to take a picture of them. It was awesome. Well-worth it. It's hard for me to not be in awe when I see such wonderful creation, and know that the Creator of all of that is a god that loves us more than that gorgeous scene. 

Today I jumped in my car again and drove to the camp. Don't listen to your GPS when it takes you off the highways. I was on some kind of county road that was NOT intended for my Pontiac Grand Am for about 50 miles, and it took me about an hour and a half. Then the GPS abandoned me, so I was grateful for my map of Oregon. It was the sketchiest thing I think I have ever done. I will not be doing that again ever. So stressful. A cow tried to headbutt my car, I thought I was going to slip off the road and go careening down the mountain... It was just a rough time. 

But now I'm here. This place is stunning. The interns that are here already... woof. I'm already quite fond of them, and we hardly know each other. "Excited" doesn't begin to explain how I feel about this summer, the community that will exist here, the kids that will come through those gates, and the lives that will be changed - including my own. 

P.S. Forgive any typos. I'm exhausted and don't care to proofread this.

There and Back Again. And There Again. And Back... Again.

My car and I traveled 2,023 miles over spring break. We drove to Overland Park, KS; Wheaton, IL; Evanston, IL; St. Charles, IL; Overland Park KS; Wichita, KS; Tulsa, OK; Wichita, KS; Emporia, KS; and finally Wichita, KS. Plus any amount of driving within each of those cities.

Besides driving, I got to spend time with old friends, visit a potential grad school and take a voice lesson with a teacher I have the most respect for, meet a friend's family and fall in love with them, spend some time with God, hang out with Mom; and participate in and promptly lose a voice competition.

The voice lesson with Karen Brunssen was wonderful. I walked in, we chatted for a bit, and then started singing. Allow me to summarize what I heard from her: "Fix this. Nope. Pure vowels. You sound like a hick from Kansas. Nope. Your inner muscles don't work enough. NOPE. Sing through this straw. Still nope. A!!! How many times do I have to say nope? Resonance. Higher hump of the tongue. That was okay. I lied; nope. That's all the time we have. I really loved working with you. Seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed it. You have a great voice, and you are scholarship material anywhere you apply"............ Huh? I just got my butt handed to me, thought you hated me, and I'm scholarship material? Whatever. I'll take what I can get. Truly, the last time I had an experience like that was my first lesson with Dr. Crum. "Oh, I remember you; you don't know how to breathe. Let's go." and then the dialogue was quite similar. But, hey. At least I have new things to work on. It's always helpful to get a fresh perspective. It was awesome. Exhausting, but awesome.

The competition was fine. I sang my face off, and was really proud of what I accomplished in that hall. But, I wasn't what they were looking for. Is that disappointing? Definitely. Am I okay with it? Yup. Mom and I had an excuse to eat great food and drink beer before heading home. And it freed up the rest of my weekend, which was MOST welcome.

I got to visit Jacob and his family over break. It was the most fun. I love that family. Getting to meet those people that I literally felt like I already knew was a blast. Jacob talks about them a lot, and I love hearing about them. Now I can really experience those stories. I can't articulate how much I enjoyed it. I also got to know Jacob better, which is a blast. He's one of my best friends, and getting to know each other more is key to growing that friendship even more. You learn a ton when you see someone around his family. I just feel privileged that he wanted me to meet them and that he gave up some of his break away from school to hang out with me. It meant a lot. I'm glad it worked out.

Jacob and I have a lot in common, and I appreciate his friendship immensely. I can't really say much else. He's a really caring guy, and has a genuine desire to understand aspects of my life to which he can't really relate. It's a unique quality. A lot of people disregard or run from things they don't grasp, but Jacob tries. And that's awesome. I love the way he cares for people, and for me. He's just pretty awesome. Okay. Gross friendship stuff over.

It is amazing how God works things out. I have a not-so-great dad. My three best friends (guys) have great relationships with their respective fathers. Lately, I've been wondering how I'll manage to be a dad when the time comes when I haven't had a great example. In fact, I haven't really had any male role models in my life until recent years. God has taken that worry and kind of turned it upside-down. I have a group of men at Grace Presbyterian that care about me and show me what being a man of Christ is like. I see how my friends interact with their dads, and I love it. I'm sure that God planned on my going to visit the Groths and seeing that family. I truthfully learned a ton just from my short visit. They're a really awesome group of people. I just smile thinking about them. God has given me so many examples of families focused on Him. I'm not saying that God wasn't a part of my family, because He certainly was. It's just different. The relationship between a son and his father is an integral one, I believe. And sometimes overcoming the lack of that can be difficult, but the Lord will always provide you with the tools.

My time driving was spent listening to music, and talking with God. It was my time to reflect on the community I witnessed at Wheaton College. I got to process my experience with the Groths. I got to commit my lesson to memory. I highly recommend driving by yourself over long distances just to talk to God. It's awesome. My biggest epiphanies have occurred on I-70 in western Kansas. Although I didn't drive across western Kansas, I still got some quality thinking and listening in. I will say, though, that driving across Iowa will really test you and teach you to rely on God. No joke. It was awful.

If you get the opportunity to drive across the country, take it. You learn a lot about yourself. I can't believe that I'm going to drive from Wichita, KS to Antelope, OR this summer. And back. Aaron, if you read this, you always joke about flying out and driving back with me. Feel free. Talk about some Shenanigans.

Just a Little Light

There are some people that simply bring light to my life, and I am truly grateful for them. Sam is one of them. She never hesitates to speak her mind or to tell me exactly how it is. That goes for the good and the bad. I'll tell her about a friendship, or about working with someone, and she will say "Sean. They are treating you like crap. You don't need that." I sometimes hear it a little begrudgingly, because it sometimes sucks to admit friends don't treat you well. She will also tell me if she thinks I'm overreacting or reading too much into something. She knows me well and knows that it's okay to deliver things bluntly. She knows that's the only way I'll hear it. However, I know that Sam only has my heart in mind. She's always looking out for me. The flip side of that is that I always know where I stand with Sam. She is never hesitant to tell me that she loves me. She makes obvious efforts to hang out with me and to be a part of my life. I know that Sam is one of the key people that gets me through life. Truly. 

Jacob is also quite the light for me right now. Hanging out with him is just fun. We play video games, or talk, or shop for office supplies. There's usually food involved, as well as laughter. Lots and lots of laughter. Sometimes we literally just laugh, and then laugh at each other's laugh, and then laugh some more. Jacob makes efforts to spend time with me, and I do the same for him. Lately, Jacob and I have been in situations where we have really gotten to know each other much better. We've gotten to hear about parts of life that we might not normally hear about. We've gotten to deal with some crappy situations as well. It's been solid to have him there to lean on, as well as let him lean some. At one point, he said "Sean, it's kind of tearing my up inside". I responded "YOU FEEL THAT WAY, TOO?!?! Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one!", and that's all I needed. Sometimes just having someone feel the same way as you is all you need. And sometimes knowing that you are cared about gets you through the toughest situations.

I get to talk a lot about faith with both Sam and Jacob. It's an imperative part of our friendships. Between that and the way that we care for each other, I am just incredibly blessed by them. Jacob puts up with hugs, which is great. Sam puts up with my insanity. It all balances out.

I'm literally one of those people that never gets tired of telling people I care. I'm sure some people get tired of hearing it, but I never want someone to misunderstand how I feel about them. I never want someone to have to doubt that I care. Hopefully, whenever I mess up (because I will) they will remember those times that they have heard me say that I care for them or love them or whatever, it will help heal whatever hurt I have caused. Besides, who doesn't, on some lever or another, love hearing that they are loved? I literally never get tired of it. Ever. In fact, sometimes I just really need to hear it. 

Speaking of love, I found out last week that I received an internship with a Young Life camp in Oregon!!! I will be working in the kitchen for three months, overseeing volunteers from high schools and colleges around the country. I'm literally so excited. I cannot wait to love these kids working with me, as well as the campers, and share some Jesus with them. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a little bit heartbroken at the end of each session as my volunteers leave, but it's the good kind of heartbreak. I'm planning on heading out there around May 16, and I won't be back until mid or late August! SO excited. It's getting me through the semester. 

But before all that, I have 21 credit hours to take on. Plus a piano-organ duets recital. Plus a voice competition. Plus a senior recital. Plus be a Young Life leader. Plus be a good son. Plus be a good friend. Plus find a house for Aaron, Andrew, Jacob, and I to live in. Plus pack up my house. Plus whatever else. I can do this. After all, I am loved.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder...Right?

Winter break is ending, and with that comes a myriad of feelings. Excitement, reluctance, curiosity, uncertainty, and joy are just a few with which I am dealing. One could say I have "all the feels". I'm excited to finish my last, full-time semester at WSU. I'm reluctant to start classes every day again. I'm curious to find out what this semester holds in life, in Young Life, in school, in music, in friendships, etc. Joy and uncertainty go hand in hand, for me, right now. I'm really happy to have all of my friends back in town, but I'm also uncertain.

Most of my friends I have only seen once or twice over this break and some I haven't been able to see at all. I traveled, they traveled, it happens. It's pretty normal for breaks to go that way. It's also normal for people to not communicate super promptly when they are out of town visiting friends and family. We should absolutely be present with the people around us, especially when we don't get to spend much time with them. Well, if you've been reading, you know that I have been really bad at being confident in my friendships. I'm dealing with a lot of that.

Communication is really big for me. I'm pretty good at it, usually. I genuinely feel bad if someone texts me and I get busy, thus forgetting to respond. Although, some things do not warrant a response. People don't all see it that way, and that's fine. But man, 5+ weeks is a long time with minimal communication when you are accustomed to seeing people almost daily. It's really hard for me. I know that a text lacking response does not always mean "I don't have time for you" or "I'm upset with you". However, knowing that and owning that are different things for me. This used to be something I struggled with to no end. I mean, I'd text someone and if I didn't get a response for an hour, I'd assume the worst. Thank God I am not that way anymore. But it is still something I carry with me. I have a pretty solid resistance to it, but after a few weeks of no communication I begin to listen to that awful voice that questions everything. Add to all of this the fact that I have been home alone for almost a week, and have been sick for four days and have had plenty of time to stew on these things. It's awesome :-)

So, the last couple days have been filled with me wondering where I stand with my friends as they all return to Wichita. It's stupid, really. I went three months without seeing some of you over the summer, and nothing changed between us. In fact, I grew closer to a few because of that time apart. Why has this one month been so difficult? 

On Tuesday, I went to a high school basketball game for my Young Life kids. Truthfully, I have been avoiding these things because of the awful job I did last semester with showing up to things. I only saw my kids once or twice. They understand busy schedules, and they were sure to remind me of that, but I still felt bad. I thought all of the work we had done on building friendships would be damaged because I was not there for a semester. I walked in and was met with hugs, high fives, punches, "hey can you hold this?", and other ways of greeting me that expressed happiness. Literally nothing changed between us. In fact, they expressed more joy in seeing me because I hadn't been around. Saturday, Kendall and I went to a move and hung out just the two of us. I met Kendall when he was in 7th grade. We were really close for two years, and then when he moved to high school we didn't get to see each other much. He wasn't able to go to Young Life or bible study, and I wasn't able to do much hanging out. But Saturday we picked up right where we left off. We hung out and caught up and laughed at old memories. It was so good for this ol' heart of mine. If distrusting high school students flock back to me, why do I have a hard time when my closest friends return?

I invest more in my closest friends. They know more about me. They care about me in ways that have a larger impact on my life. We are friends, and not in a mentoring facet. We are actual friends. I think about my friends all the time. It's not that I miss them constantly, because I don't. It is just that they are a very important part of my life. I talk about them, I think about them, I wonder how they are doing. I text them on occasion. It's how I love them. People love differently. I had the gall, or possibly foolishness, to ask a dear friend if he misses me when we don't get to see each other for a while. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Sean. Yes." He went on to talk about how it isn't a constant missing, but he does think about me and wonders how I'm doing occasionally. But he isn't the one that texts just to check in. That isn't how he loves. He asked me if I really doubted that people miss me. I said "yeah, sometimes I do. I've been convinced for a long time that people are excited for the break from me." His response took me by surprise: "Sean, that's because you have a very skewed perception of reality." I do, don't I? 

I have come so far on this insecurity front, but I have so much more room for growth. Winter break is ending, and with that comes a myriad of feelings. Right now, though, excitement wins. I am so excited to grow. I am so excited to be different in some way by the end of this semester. Most of all, I am so excited to have my best friends, whom I love and who love me, back in my life. Time for some good ol' Shenanigans.

Halfway Across the Country and Loved the Entire Way

If you ever get the opportunity to fly halfway across the country to visit some of your loved ones, do it. Absolutely do it. There are few things more worthwhile. I got to fly to Seattle and visit some of my friends from Malibu (the camp in Canada I worked at). My heart needed a retreat, and it got it. Something about having a group of people that you care about and that cares about you just as much, filled with friendships founded in Jesus, diminishes the hurt of the world. I can't tell you how much joy I experienced. At one point, I was literally shaking with excitement. That's what happens when you overload this ol' heart o' mine. But it was the best feeling. I got to see some of my closest friends for the first time in five months after having lived with them for a month. There is nothing like it.

On my way back, I was able to visit with a dear friend in Denver airport. Jessica lives in Boulder, so she came to hang out with me during my layover. It was nice to relax and have some heart-talk together. This is the girl that would, while at Malibu, come up and tell me "Sean, I love how you love me"... to which I would reply "...okay...". However, I eventually understood and began to tell her that I loved it, too. She gave me some perspective on a couple things, some words of comfort and wisdom, and she gave me a good book to read. I'm still processing some of the things she told me. "There are people that are meant to father us, and there are our biological fathers, and sometimes that doesn't always match up". Amen. 

I got back to KC on Jan. 2. On the 3rd, 3 of my friends drove to Kansas City for a guys weekend in celebration of my birthday. Mom gave us her house to live in for the weekend, we toured Boulevard Brewing Company, shot some clay pigeons, ate tasty food, drank some drinks, and just had a great time. I've never had a group of guys with whom I could hang out, much less take a weekend trip. It meant a whole lot to me. Matt wasn't able to be there, so he made the effort to drive up and spend some time with me on Sunday, which was my actual birthday. That also meant a great deal to me. I've never had a friend do anything remotely close to driving three house just to spend some time with me on my birthday. I look back at my life, and look at the quality of various friendships and I am truly moved by the quality of my current friendships. I have never had a birthday celebration that meant so much to me.

The thing that has meant the most to me is that I felt loved the entire time these last two weeks. Love has followed me all around the country. Love came from all around the world. My friends care about me, and I am able to be confident in that. That is new for me, but I am so glad that I get to experience it. I thank God for the growth that I have experienced over these last 22 years of life, and specifically this last year. To think I knew Matt a year ago but it was only through being his accompanist, William and I hardly knew each other, and the people I visited in Seattle and Denver I hadn't even met. But here they are playing integral parts in my life. My heart is so full. Sometimes I grow weary of loving people, but I truly never tire of being loved.