Abba's Child

I've been reading this book "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning. I've had the book for years, tried to read it from time to time, and finally committed to it this summer. I don't read it often, largely because it takes me a bit to process the content. Sometimes I can read a page or two and have to put it down, while other times I can read a full chapter or two. This book has taught me to look at some things from a new perspective, challenged me, and confirmed some ideas that I've felt in my heart, but never verbalized. I want to share a couple passages. The chapter comparing the inner pharisee in us who carefully calculates all his actions, is judgmental, puts on face in order to filter what the world sees, tries to hold others to the standard of the law, etc. The child is honest, open, and simply exists. There is not facade. There is only genuine sincerity in all he does and feels.

"The child spontaneously expresses emotions; the pharisee carefully represses them...John Powell once said with sadness that as an epitaph for his parents' tombstone he would have been compelled to write: "Here lie two people who never knew one another." His father could never share his feelings, so his mother never got to know him. To open yourself to another person, to stop lying about your loneliness and your fears, to be honest about your affections, and to tell others how much they mean to you -- this openness is the triumph of the child over the pharisee and a sign of the dynamic presence of the Holy Spirit. "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17)

To ignore, repress, or dismiss our feelings is to fail to listen to the stirrings of the Spirit within our emotional life....

Emotions are our most direct reaction to our perception of ourselves and the world around us. Whether positive or negative, feelings put us in touch with our true selves. They are neither good nor bad: They are simply the truth of what is going on within us. What we do with our feelings will determine whether we live lives of honesty or of deceit. When submitted to the discretion of a faith-formed intellect, our emotions serve as trustworthy beacons for appropriate action or inaction. The denial, displacement, and repression of feelings thwarts self-intimacy."

I just love these passages. I read them for the first time, almost dropped the book, and had to re-read them a couple times. These passages articulated my heart. I've always been a hot mess of emotion, and I've apologized for that thinking I shouldn't be that way. However, in the last couple of years I have believed that we feel things for a reason. There isn't any connotation there, it is simply how we are reacting, and that reaction must be experienced. I love it. And when you are comfortable enough to share these inner longings of your heart, or the way your heart hurts or loves or feels, genuine friendship can be attained. It's an incredible experience. I've been fortunate enough to experience that mutual trust and honesty with friends, and I'm better for it. There are times when it is the scariest, hardest thing that you have ever done, but I promise it is worth it. 

Over the summer, Jasper (my best friend at the ranch) ran into emotional Sean a lot. He would worry, but I'd just tell him "Jasper, I have to feel this out. Yes, I'm mad. Let me be mad. I won't be mad for long, but I have to experience the emotion." Eventually Jasper and I got to a place where he knew. He knew when to hug me, he knew when to let me blow of steam, and he knew when to push me to open up. Because of that trust, I was able to tell him when something had hurt me that was related to him, and we were able to move through it. And then he shared the same things. I could share my insecurities with him, and he could share his troubles with me. That kind of friendship lends itself to complete comfort with one another, and just the highest quality of relationship. I want everyone to know that. I know that insecurity can be debilitating, and the most terrifying thing. My prayer is that each person knows this genuine love and friendship with at least one other. You will be happier for it, I guarantee.