There and Back Again. And There Again. And Back... Again.

My car and I traveled 2,023 miles over spring break. We drove to Overland Park, KS; Wheaton, IL; Evanston, IL; St. Charles, IL; Overland Park KS; Wichita, KS; Tulsa, OK; Wichita, KS; Emporia, KS; and finally Wichita, KS. Plus any amount of driving within each of those cities.

Besides driving, I got to spend time with old friends, visit a potential grad school and take a voice lesson with a teacher I have the most respect for, meet a friend's family and fall in love with them, spend some time with God, hang out with Mom; and participate in and promptly lose a voice competition.

The voice lesson with Karen Brunssen was wonderful. I walked in, we chatted for a bit, and then started singing. Allow me to summarize what I heard from her: "Fix this. Nope. Pure vowels. You sound like a hick from Kansas. Nope. Your inner muscles don't work enough. NOPE. Sing through this straw. Still nope. A!!! How many times do I have to say nope? Resonance. Higher hump of the tongue. That was okay. I lied; nope. That's all the time we have. I really loved working with you. Seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed it. You have a great voice, and you are scholarship material anywhere you apply"............ Huh? I just got my butt handed to me, thought you hated me, and I'm scholarship material? Whatever. I'll take what I can get. Truly, the last time I had an experience like that was my first lesson with Dr. Crum. "Oh, I remember you; you don't know how to breathe. Let's go." and then the dialogue was quite similar. But, hey. At least I have new things to work on. It's always helpful to get a fresh perspective. It was awesome. Exhausting, but awesome.

The competition was fine. I sang my face off, and was really proud of what I accomplished in that hall. But, I wasn't what they were looking for. Is that disappointing? Definitely. Am I okay with it? Yup. Mom and I had an excuse to eat great food and drink beer before heading home. And it freed up the rest of my weekend, which was MOST welcome.

I got to visit Jacob and his family over break. It was the most fun. I love that family. Getting to meet those people that I literally felt like I already knew was a blast. Jacob talks about them a lot, and I love hearing about them. Now I can really experience those stories. I can't articulate how much I enjoyed it. I also got to know Jacob better, which is a blast. He's one of my best friends, and getting to know each other more is key to growing that friendship even more. You learn a ton when you see someone around his family. I just feel privileged that he wanted me to meet them and that he gave up some of his break away from school to hang out with me. It meant a lot. I'm glad it worked out.

Jacob and I have a lot in common, and I appreciate his friendship immensely. I can't really say much else. He's a really caring guy, and has a genuine desire to understand aspects of my life to which he can't really relate. It's a unique quality. A lot of people disregard or run from things they don't grasp, but Jacob tries. And that's awesome. I love the way he cares for people, and for me. He's just pretty awesome. Okay. Gross friendship stuff over.

It is amazing how God works things out. I have a not-so-great dad. My three best friends (guys) have great relationships with their respective fathers. Lately, I've been wondering how I'll manage to be a dad when the time comes when I haven't had a great example. In fact, I haven't really had any male role models in my life until recent years. God has taken that worry and kind of turned it upside-down. I have a group of men at Grace Presbyterian that care about me and show me what being a man of Christ is like. I see how my friends interact with their dads, and I love it. I'm sure that God planned on my going to visit the Groths and seeing that family. I truthfully learned a ton just from my short visit. They're a really awesome group of people. I just smile thinking about them. God has given me so many examples of families focused on Him. I'm not saying that God wasn't a part of my family, because He certainly was. It's just different. The relationship between a son and his father is an integral one, I believe. And sometimes overcoming the lack of that can be difficult, but the Lord will always provide you with the tools.

My time driving was spent listening to music, and talking with God. It was my time to reflect on the community I witnessed at Wheaton College. I got to process my experience with the Groths. I got to commit my lesson to memory. I highly recommend driving by yourself over long distances just to talk to God. It's awesome. My biggest epiphanies have occurred on I-70 in western Kansas. Although I didn't drive across western Kansas, I still got some quality thinking and listening in. I will say, though, that driving across Iowa will really test you and teach you to rely on God. No joke. It was awful.

If you get the opportunity to drive across the country, take it. You learn a lot about yourself. I can't believe that I'm going to drive from Wichita, KS to Antelope, OR this summer. And back. Aaron, if you read this, you always joke about flying out and driving back with me. Feel free. Talk about some Shenanigans.

Just a Little Light

There are some people that simply bring light to my life, and I am truly grateful for them. Sam is one of them. She never hesitates to speak her mind or to tell me exactly how it is. That goes for the good and the bad. I'll tell her about a friendship, or about working with someone, and she will say "Sean. They are treating you like crap. You don't need that." I sometimes hear it a little begrudgingly, because it sometimes sucks to admit friends don't treat you well. She will also tell me if she thinks I'm overreacting or reading too much into something. She knows me well and knows that it's okay to deliver things bluntly. She knows that's the only way I'll hear it. However, I know that Sam only has my heart in mind. She's always looking out for me. The flip side of that is that I always know where I stand with Sam. She is never hesitant to tell me that she loves me. She makes obvious efforts to hang out with me and to be a part of my life. I know that Sam is one of the key people that gets me through life. Truly. 

Jacob is also quite the light for me right now. Hanging out with him is just fun. We play video games, or talk, or shop for office supplies. There's usually food involved, as well as laughter. Lots and lots of laughter. Sometimes we literally just laugh, and then laugh at each other's laugh, and then laugh some more. Jacob makes efforts to spend time with me, and I do the same for him. Lately, Jacob and I have been in situations where we have really gotten to know each other much better. We've gotten to hear about parts of life that we might not normally hear about. We've gotten to deal with some crappy situations as well. It's been solid to have him there to lean on, as well as let him lean some. At one point, he said "Sean, it's kind of tearing my up inside". I responded "YOU FEEL THAT WAY, TOO?!?! Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one!", and that's all I needed. Sometimes just having someone feel the same way as you is all you need. And sometimes knowing that you are cared about gets you through the toughest situations.

I get to talk a lot about faith with both Sam and Jacob. It's an imperative part of our friendships. Between that and the way that we care for each other, I am just incredibly blessed by them. Jacob puts up with hugs, which is great. Sam puts up with my insanity. It all balances out.

I'm literally one of those people that never gets tired of telling people I care. I'm sure some people get tired of hearing it, but I never want someone to misunderstand how I feel about them. I never want someone to have to doubt that I care. Hopefully, whenever I mess up (because I will) they will remember those times that they have heard me say that I care for them or love them or whatever, it will help heal whatever hurt I have caused. Besides, who doesn't, on some lever or another, love hearing that they are loved? I literally never get tired of it. Ever. In fact, sometimes I just really need to hear it. 

Speaking of love, I found out last week that I received an internship with a Young Life camp in Oregon!!! I will be working in the kitchen for three months, overseeing volunteers from high schools and colleges around the country. I'm literally so excited. I cannot wait to love these kids working with me, as well as the campers, and share some Jesus with them. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a little bit heartbroken at the end of each session as my volunteers leave, but it's the good kind of heartbreak. I'm planning on heading out there around May 16, and I won't be back until mid or late August! SO excited. It's getting me through the semester. 

But before all that, I have 21 credit hours to take on. Plus a piano-organ duets recital. Plus a voice competition. Plus a senior recital. Plus be a Young Life leader. Plus be a good son. Plus be a good friend. Plus find a house for Aaron, Andrew, Jacob, and I to live in. Plus pack up my house. Plus whatever else. I can do this. After all, I am loved.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder...Right?

Winter break is ending, and with that comes a myriad of feelings. Excitement, reluctance, curiosity, uncertainty, and joy are just a few with which I am dealing. One could say I have "all the feels". I'm excited to finish my last, full-time semester at WSU. I'm reluctant to start classes every day again. I'm curious to find out what this semester holds in life, in Young Life, in school, in music, in friendships, etc. Joy and uncertainty go hand in hand, for me, right now. I'm really happy to have all of my friends back in town, but I'm also uncertain.

Most of my friends I have only seen once or twice over this break and some I haven't been able to see at all. I traveled, they traveled, it happens. It's pretty normal for breaks to go that way. It's also normal for people to not communicate super promptly when they are out of town visiting friends and family. We should absolutely be present with the people around us, especially when we don't get to spend much time with them. Well, if you've been reading, you know that I have been really bad at being confident in my friendships. I'm dealing with a lot of that.

Communication is really big for me. I'm pretty good at it, usually. I genuinely feel bad if someone texts me and I get busy, thus forgetting to respond. Although, some things do not warrant a response. People don't all see it that way, and that's fine. But man, 5+ weeks is a long time with minimal communication when you are accustomed to seeing people almost daily. It's really hard for me. I know that a text lacking response does not always mean "I don't have time for you" or "I'm upset with you". However, knowing that and owning that are different things for me. This used to be something I struggled with to no end. I mean, I'd text someone and if I didn't get a response for an hour, I'd assume the worst. Thank God I am not that way anymore. But it is still something I carry with me. I have a pretty solid resistance to it, but after a few weeks of no communication I begin to listen to that awful voice that questions everything. Add to all of this the fact that I have been home alone for almost a week, and have been sick for four days and have had plenty of time to stew on these things. It's awesome :-)

So, the last couple days have been filled with me wondering where I stand with my friends as they all return to Wichita. It's stupid, really. I went three months without seeing some of you over the summer, and nothing changed between us. In fact, I grew closer to a few because of that time apart. Why has this one month been so difficult? 

On Tuesday, I went to a high school basketball game for my Young Life kids. Truthfully, I have been avoiding these things because of the awful job I did last semester with showing up to things. I only saw my kids once or twice. They understand busy schedules, and they were sure to remind me of that, but I still felt bad. I thought all of the work we had done on building friendships would be damaged because I was not there for a semester. I walked in and was met with hugs, high fives, punches, "hey can you hold this?", and other ways of greeting me that expressed happiness. Literally nothing changed between us. In fact, they expressed more joy in seeing me because I hadn't been around. Saturday, Kendall and I went to a move and hung out just the two of us. I met Kendall when he was in 7th grade. We were really close for two years, and then when he moved to high school we didn't get to see each other much. He wasn't able to go to Young Life or bible study, and I wasn't able to do much hanging out. But Saturday we picked up right where we left off. We hung out and caught up and laughed at old memories. It was so good for this ol' heart of mine. If distrusting high school students flock back to me, why do I have a hard time when my closest friends return?

I invest more in my closest friends. They know more about me. They care about me in ways that have a larger impact on my life. We are friends, and not in a mentoring facet. We are actual friends. I think about my friends all the time. It's not that I miss them constantly, because I don't. It is just that they are a very important part of my life. I talk about them, I think about them, I wonder how they are doing. I text them on occasion. It's how I love them. People love differently. I had the gall, or possibly foolishness, to ask a dear friend if he misses me when we don't get to see each other for a while. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Sean. Yes." He went on to talk about how it isn't a constant missing, but he does think about me and wonders how I'm doing occasionally. But he isn't the one that texts just to check in. That isn't how he loves. He asked me if I really doubted that people miss me. I said "yeah, sometimes I do. I've been convinced for a long time that people are excited for the break from me." His response took me by surprise: "Sean, that's because you have a very skewed perception of reality." I do, don't I? 

I have come so far on this insecurity front, but I have so much more room for growth. Winter break is ending, and with that comes a myriad of feelings. Right now, though, excitement wins. I am so excited to grow. I am so excited to be different in some way by the end of this semester. Most of all, I am so excited to have my best friends, whom I love and who love me, back in my life. Time for some good ol' Shenanigans.

Halfway Across the Country and Loved the Entire Way

If you ever get the opportunity to fly halfway across the country to visit some of your loved ones, do it. Absolutely do it. There are few things more worthwhile. I got to fly to Seattle and visit some of my friends from Malibu (the camp in Canada I worked at). My heart needed a retreat, and it got it. Something about having a group of people that you care about and that cares about you just as much, filled with friendships founded in Jesus, diminishes the hurt of the world. I can't tell you how much joy I experienced. At one point, I was literally shaking with excitement. That's what happens when you overload this ol' heart o' mine. But it was the best feeling. I got to see some of my closest friends for the first time in five months after having lived with them for a month. There is nothing like it.

On my way back, I was able to visit with a dear friend in Denver airport. Jessica lives in Boulder, so she came to hang out with me during my layover. It was nice to relax and have some heart-talk together. This is the girl that would, while at Malibu, come up and tell me "Sean, I love how you love me"... to which I would reply "...okay...". However, I eventually understood and began to tell her that I loved it, too. She gave me some perspective on a couple things, some words of comfort and wisdom, and she gave me a good book to read. I'm still processing some of the things she told me. "There are people that are meant to father us, and there are our biological fathers, and sometimes that doesn't always match up". Amen. 

I got back to KC on Jan. 2. On the 3rd, 3 of my friends drove to Kansas City for a guys weekend in celebration of my birthday. Mom gave us her house to live in for the weekend, we toured Boulevard Brewing Company, shot some clay pigeons, ate tasty food, drank some drinks, and just had a great time. I've never had a group of guys with whom I could hang out, much less take a weekend trip. It meant a whole lot to me. Matt wasn't able to be there, so he made the effort to drive up and spend some time with me on Sunday, which was my actual birthday. That also meant a great deal to me. I've never had a friend do anything remotely close to driving three house just to spend some time with me on my birthday. I look back at my life, and look at the quality of various friendships and I am truly moved by the quality of my current friendships. I have never had a birthday celebration that meant so much to me.

The thing that has meant the most to me is that I felt loved the entire time these last two weeks. Love has followed me all around the country. Love came from all around the world. My friends care about me, and I am able to be confident in that. That is new for me, but I am so glad that I get to experience it. I thank God for the growth that I have experienced over these last 22 years of life, and specifically this last year. To think I knew Matt a year ago but it was only through being his accompanist, William and I hardly knew each other, and the people I visited in Seattle and Denver I hadn't even met. But here they are playing integral parts in my life. My heart is so full. Sometimes I grow weary of loving people, but I truly never tire of being loved. 

I took the one less traveled by, and that has made All the difference.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both 

And be one traveler, long I stood 

And looked down one as far as I could 

To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim, 

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for that the passing there 

Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black. 

Oh, I kept the first for another day! 

Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 

I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 

I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference.

Sometimes stepping down that road can be the hardest thing, but way does indeed lead on to way. I'm going to tell myself that as I move through this period of life where so many things are in flux. Relationships, paths, they all change. And that's okay. Sometimes it sucks a ton. But it is usually worth it. 

Life is getting serious lately. As I near the end of my undergrad, I am faced with the possibility of leaving friends behind as we move on in life. I'm faced with figuring out my life. 

In light of Advent and Christmas, I think I have found an even greater peace in God. I don't know why. Just the focus on Him, I guess. But I'm not mad at it. Even just today I had a conversation that I felt prompted to have. I thought it was going to be impossibly difficult, but it wasn't. It was hard, don't get me wrong. And I wish there had been a way to avoid it. However, I felt God's hand in it, and that brings a peace. 

Way leads on to way, Sean. Way leads on to way.

Shout for Joy to the LORD all the Earth

Happy Thanksgiving!!! What a day. Mom had a couple friends come over, so it was just four of us. We all pitched in on the cooking. It was great. My contribution was a bourbon pumpkin cheesecake with a spiked cinnamon whipped cream. So. Good. Seriously. But it was just a nice time.

I have so much to be thankful for. I have received some of the most meaningful, loving texts of thankfulness today. In an effort to respond to those, I began to think about what each of my friends means to me. Talk about an emotional experience. In case you don't know, you all mean so much to me. The way each of you has impacted my life is remarkable. I have the best friends in the world, and this year they have meant more to me than ever before. I have my best friend that stays up entirely too late with me playing video games, talks to me about literally anything and everything, is pretty much the same person as me, is 100% there for me on the rare occasion that I say "Hey, I need you", puts up with my emotions, and makes me laugh constantly. I have my other best friend/roommate that is always down for some quality Shenanigans i.e. the flaming Giraffe. He also knows me incredibly well. We don't talk tons anymore, and that's okay. We both know that when we need to talk, the other is always there. It's pretty legit to have that level of comfort with someone. I am thankful for friends that have been with me 6 or 7 years. Schnelly and Lizzy have seen it all. If you want to know what I was like, ask them. They were there. And they were there for everything. They are still there for everything. Neither of them live near me, but it doesn't matter. I am also really thankful for a group of guys. I've never had that before. The fact that I'm planning a guys weekend in KC is blowing my mind. I wouldn't have ever guessed I would have a group of friends with whom to share those kinds of experiences. I have lots of really quality friendships. I have some that came as answered prayers, I have some that just emerged, and I have some that I have to be really intentional with. I love them all. I am so thankful for friends that, I can say with confidence (that's a big deal), love me and want to be there for me.

I'm thankful for Young Life and all that it is to me. I'm SO thankful for my Young Life guys that let me care for them, and care about me. They are the best. Truly. They make me laugh, they teach me so much, and they are just real. I love seeing them figure themselves out and learn things about life, about love, and about faith. I'm also thankful for all of my Work Crew and Summer Staff friends. You all have changed my life. Truly.

I have a loving family. Are we dysfunctional? Absolutely. Does it matter? Nope.

I have talents and gifts to share with other people, and I am the recipient of such sharing from so many.

I have a church that I love. I used to be kind of anti-church, but Grace Presbyterian is just a wonderful place and a really important part of my life.

Most of all, I have a God who loves me like crazy. He is one that provides all these things that I am so thankful for. This year more than ever, I am overwhelmed with thanks. I wouldn't have it any other way.

If I have faith that can move mountains, but not love, I am nothing

Holidays are tough. I feel like everyone feels so many different things around the holidays. There is the excitement of time away from school or work, time spent with family and friends, an excuse to eat really wonderful things, and (hopefully) some good ol' relaxation. However, there are some other things that often go along with the holidays. Stress, some more stress, and a little bit of this thing called stress. Of course stress stems from a myriad of places. For kids with split parents, it's stressful getting all of that worked out. If there's a family member that you have some issues with, you are forced to face those for a period of time. Travel can be stressful. Just planning in general: who is coming, what meals are we in charge of, who's picking whom up from the airport, where is everyone staying, etc.

For me, holidays make me face some of the extreme dysfunction in my family. I know, we all have dysfunctional families. And we do. Every family has its crap, and it is never fun to deal with it. So, I'm stressed. We aren't even having family in Kansas City this year, it will just be Mom, Nana, and me, and yet I am stressed. School still hasn't let up, which is fine, but it still adds to it. Family is tough. My dad has been married twice, with two kids from each marriage. He has Kris and Dave from his first wife, and Dale and me from his second, with 11 years between Dave and Dale. Kris and Dave are 16 and 14 years older than me, respectively. Dale is 3.5 years older than me. Until recently, I didn't have much of a relationship with Kris or Dave. As Kris put it "Sean, I'm sure we had riveting conversations when you were 5 and I was 21". Touche, Kris. But lately, we have been getting closer. It's really awesome. I love knowing that I have three siblings to call on if I need them. I'm closest to Dale, as we actually grew up together. However, I am finding out that I am probably most similar to Kris. At least she and I view things very similarly. I'm really pumped to continue growing relationships with her and with Dave. Like most families, we have issues. A lot of our issues involve our dad. I'm not going to delve into those, but just know they exist. The holidays force us to look at them, resign to them, give up on them, all of the above. It's hard. And it definitely impacts the rest of my life.

I feel like I'm not alone in this. I know that other people experience similar things. I feel it all around me. Every time someone says "I'm excited for Thanksgiving" someone feels the "I mean, yeah, but..." sensation. I know I do. When my family issues are front and center, it affects my relationships. It brings up old insecurities that I thought I was over. I woke up last Friday and thought "wow, I'm decently self-sabotaging in my friendships". And it's true. I am the champion of letting one small thing override a world of good in a friendship. Usually it isn't an issue anymore. I know how to reason my way out of thoughts like those. I think, though, that it is so prominent right now because I have so much other stuff stirring in my heart. Not to mention, last night Aaron said "Well, yeah. That makes sense. And add to that you feeling everything around you as well, and of course it's going to be tough". When I have so many things for my heart to sort through, weed out, promote, and try to suppress, it gets tired. My defenses get spread too thinly. That's when I start listening to things like "That person doesn't actually care about you" or "they only put up with you so you can help them" or whatever it is. And I really listen to them. I'll believe one of those over "I care about you" and "I'm glad to have you as a best friend" and "I love you" no matter how many times affirmations are said to me. And then I get envious, or self-seeking, or distrustful. 

This all started happening at the end of last week. Friday I really realized it was happening. And then I read 1 Corinthians 13.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13

It spells out the qualities and importance of love. I read it three times that day and every time it kicked my butt. And, by the transitive property, you can replace the word "love" with "God" in that passage, because God is Love. And then it'll really get you. But it makes everything okay. As I begin to distrust my best friends, or grow impatient with my family, or focus too much on my desires, I remember two things: the qualities of that passage which tell me about the love I experience and need to share, and Dr. Crum telling me to "Remember the Grace of God". I can hear her saying it always. I am so grateful for those reminders. And sometimes I will still mess up. So, when I'm an emotional hot mess, I apologize. When I doubt you every time you tell me you care about me, I'm sorry. When I manage to twist everything around into some convoluted message that says you hate me, just give me a hug. or two. or twenty. When I appear to be avoiding eye contact with you/conversations with you, it's probably because I'm fighting that battle at that moment and there is some lie that I'm believing. I will get it together eventually. It is just the shittiest thing. But Love is patient, is kind, is not envious, always hopes, always trusts, and never fails. I just forget that sometimes.