Most of my friends I have only seen once or twice over this break and some I haven't been able to see at all. I traveled, they traveled, it happens. It's pretty normal for breaks to go that way. It's also normal for people to not communicate super promptly when they are out of town visiting friends and family. We should absolutely be present with the people around us, especially when we don't get to spend much time with them. Well, if you've been reading, you know that I have been really bad at being confident in my friendships. I'm dealing with a lot of that.
Communication is really big for me. I'm pretty good at it, usually. I genuinely feel bad if someone texts me and I get busy, thus forgetting to respond. Although, some things do not warrant a response. People don't all see it that way, and that's fine. But man, 5+ weeks is a long time with minimal communication when you are accustomed to seeing people almost daily. It's really hard for me. I know that a text lacking response does not always mean "I don't have time for you" or "I'm upset with you". However, knowing that and owning that are different things for me. This used to be something I struggled with to no end. I mean, I'd text someone and if I didn't get a response for an hour, I'd assume the worst. Thank God I am not that way anymore. But it is still something I carry with me. I have a pretty solid resistance to it, but after a few weeks of no communication I begin to listen to that awful voice that questions everything. Add to all of this the fact that I have been home alone for almost a week, and have been sick for four days and have had plenty of time to stew on these things. It's awesome :-)
So, the last couple days have been filled with me wondering where I stand with my friends as they all return to Wichita. It's stupid, really. I went three months without seeing some of you over the summer, and nothing changed between us. In fact, I grew closer to a few because of that time apart. Why has this one month been so difficult?
On Tuesday, I went to a high school basketball game for my Young Life kids. Truthfully, I have been avoiding these things because of the awful job I did last semester with showing up to things. I only saw my kids once or twice. They understand busy schedules, and they were sure to remind me of that, but I still felt bad. I thought all of the work we had done on building friendships would be damaged because I was not there for a semester. I walked in and was met with hugs, high fives, punches, "hey can you hold this?", and other ways of greeting me that expressed happiness. Literally nothing changed between us. In fact, they expressed more joy in seeing me because I hadn't been around. Saturday, Kendall and I went to a move and hung out just the two of us. I met Kendall when he was in 7th grade. We were really close for two years, and then when he moved to high school we didn't get to see each other much. He wasn't able to go to Young Life or bible study, and I wasn't able to do much hanging out. But Saturday we picked up right where we left off. We hung out and caught up and laughed at old memories. It was so good for this ol' heart of mine. If distrusting high school students flock back to me, why do I have a hard time when my closest friends return?
I invest more in my closest friends. They know more about me. They care about me in ways that have a larger impact on my life. We are friends, and not in a mentoring facet. We are actual friends. I think about my friends all the time. It's not that I miss them constantly, because I don't. It is just that they are a very important part of my life. I talk about them, I think about them, I wonder how they are doing. I text them on occasion. It's how I love them. People love differently. I had the gall, or possibly foolishness, to ask a dear friend if he misses me when we don't get to see each other for a while. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Sean. Yes." He went on to talk about how it isn't a constant missing, but he does think about me and wonders how I'm doing occasionally. But he isn't the one that texts just to check in. That isn't how he loves. He asked me if I really doubted that people miss me. I said "yeah, sometimes I do. I've been convinced for a long time that people are excited for the break from me." His response took me by surprise: "Sean, that's because you have a very skewed perception of reality." I do, don't I?
I have come so far on this insecurity front, but I have so much more room for growth. Winter break is ending, and with that comes a myriad of feelings. Right now, though, excitement wins. I am so excited to grow. I am so excited to be different in some way by the end of this semester. Most of all, I am so excited to have my best friends, whom I love and who love me, back in my life. Time for some good ol' Shenanigans.
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