If I have faith that can move mountains, but not love, I am nothing

Holidays are tough. I feel like everyone feels so many different things around the holidays. There is the excitement of time away from school or work, time spent with family and friends, an excuse to eat really wonderful things, and (hopefully) some good ol' relaxation. However, there are some other things that often go along with the holidays. Stress, some more stress, and a little bit of this thing called stress. Of course stress stems from a myriad of places. For kids with split parents, it's stressful getting all of that worked out. If there's a family member that you have some issues with, you are forced to face those for a period of time. Travel can be stressful. Just planning in general: who is coming, what meals are we in charge of, who's picking whom up from the airport, where is everyone staying, etc.

For me, holidays make me face some of the extreme dysfunction in my family. I know, we all have dysfunctional families. And we do. Every family has its crap, and it is never fun to deal with it. So, I'm stressed. We aren't even having family in Kansas City this year, it will just be Mom, Nana, and me, and yet I am stressed. School still hasn't let up, which is fine, but it still adds to it. Family is tough. My dad has been married twice, with two kids from each marriage. He has Kris and Dave from his first wife, and Dale and me from his second, with 11 years between Dave and Dale. Kris and Dave are 16 and 14 years older than me, respectively. Dale is 3.5 years older than me. Until recently, I didn't have much of a relationship with Kris or Dave. As Kris put it "Sean, I'm sure we had riveting conversations when you were 5 and I was 21". Touche, Kris. But lately, we have been getting closer. It's really awesome. I love knowing that I have three siblings to call on if I need them. I'm closest to Dale, as we actually grew up together. However, I am finding out that I am probably most similar to Kris. At least she and I view things very similarly. I'm really pumped to continue growing relationships with her and with Dave. Like most families, we have issues. A lot of our issues involve our dad. I'm not going to delve into those, but just know they exist. The holidays force us to look at them, resign to them, give up on them, all of the above. It's hard. And it definitely impacts the rest of my life.

I feel like I'm not alone in this. I know that other people experience similar things. I feel it all around me. Every time someone says "I'm excited for Thanksgiving" someone feels the "I mean, yeah, but..." sensation. I know I do. When my family issues are front and center, it affects my relationships. It brings up old insecurities that I thought I was over. I woke up last Friday and thought "wow, I'm decently self-sabotaging in my friendships". And it's true. I am the champion of letting one small thing override a world of good in a friendship. Usually it isn't an issue anymore. I know how to reason my way out of thoughts like those. I think, though, that it is so prominent right now because I have so much other stuff stirring in my heart. Not to mention, last night Aaron said "Well, yeah. That makes sense. And add to that you feeling everything around you as well, and of course it's going to be tough". When I have so many things for my heart to sort through, weed out, promote, and try to suppress, it gets tired. My defenses get spread too thinly. That's when I start listening to things like "That person doesn't actually care about you" or "they only put up with you so you can help them" or whatever it is. And I really listen to them. I'll believe one of those over "I care about you" and "I'm glad to have you as a best friend" and "I love you" no matter how many times affirmations are said to me. And then I get envious, or self-seeking, or distrustful. 

This all started happening at the end of last week. Friday I really realized it was happening. And then I read 1 Corinthians 13.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13

It spells out the qualities and importance of love. I read it three times that day and every time it kicked my butt. And, by the transitive property, you can replace the word "love" with "God" in that passage, because God is Love. And then it'll really get you. But it makes everything okay. As I begin to distrust my best friends, or grow impatient with my family, or focus too much on my desires, I remember two things: the qualities of that passage which tell me about the love I experience and need to share, and Dr. Crum telling me to "Remember the Grace of God". I can hear her saying it always. I am so grateful for those reminders. And sometimes I will still mess up. So, when I'm an emotional hot mess, I apologize. When I doubt you every time you tell me you care about me, I'm sorry. When I manage to twist everything around into some convoluted message that says you hate me, just give me a hug. or two. or twenty. When I appear to be avoiding eye contact with you/conversations with you, it's probably because I'm fighting that battle at that moment and there is some lie that I'm believing. I will get it together eventually. It is just the shittiest thing. But Love is patient, is kind, is not envious, always hopes, always trusts, and never fails. I just forget that sometimes.