There isn't anything quite like a good book

Matt has ignited my obsessive tendencies... He got me hooked on a new musician (new to me), a new dumb game on my phone, and a book trilogy. He told me about all of these things, and I called Shenanigans every time. I'm hopeless. More than that, I am a sucker for fantasy. And let me tell you, this is fantasy. It's called Mistborn, and it involves having powers fueled by various metals. The really cool thing is that the author does a remarkable job of giving the powers limits. They are limited by nature, however, beyond that they are as unlimited as one's imagination. It is a wild concept that I am absolutely hooked on. There is political manipulation, magic, a budding romance, plot twists galore, an unassuming scrawny main character that of course turns out to be super bad ass. Yet, beyond all that, there is an element that really, really resonates with me.

Without delving into the actual story line, I'll discuss what I mean (I really think you should go read this the next time you need a good fantasy). The main character has an immense amount of trust issues. She believes that everyone will eventually betray, use, or hurt her in some way. Hello, darkness my old friend. The majority of you reading this did not know me in high school, but mistrust was the flag I waved. I had some not so hot friendships early on, plus a not so hot relationship with my father, which made even less hot friendships with guys specifically. I had a long-term ticket on the struggle bus. I didn't trust most people. There were a couple friends that wormed their way in, and a couple that had me fooled and really burned me. But that is life. And man, once I read those issues in this book, I immediately put the book down and didn't touch it for a week. But Matt kept mentioning Mistborn, and I did purchase it, so I finally just gave in and went to town. Mostly so I could have something to discuss with Matt. We definitely struggle with conversation... (Note that if there was a sarcasm font, I would have used it just then).

Well, despite being a great read, there was a quote that really stuck out to me. As you can imagine, through the course of the story, many of those trust issues began to resolve. This quote hit me in the face:

"Well, that's kind of what trust is, isn't it? A willful self-delusion? You have to shut out that voice that whispers about betrayal, and just hope that your friends aren't going to hurt you."

Hmmm.... If you have ever struggled with trust issues like I have, you might know what I am about to say. It isn't that simple, and yet it really is. At some point, you have to decide that people do care, or that people aren't just using you. I always tell people that my friend Kyle convinced me to trust people again. That's not true. He proved to me that he cared, and I decided to listen to that instead of the the voice that whispers about betrayal. In the end, I had to make that choice. It was, actually is, one of the hardest decisions for me. It's really easy to mistrust people and rely on yourself, because it is safe. I would think "I won't hurt myself. If I don't let anyone in and only rely on myself, then I won't get hurt." I say it is one of the hardest decisions for me because, on some level, I have to decide that every day. Old habits die hard, and our inner demons are relentless. Sometimes, I want to just rely on myself. I want to say "Sorry, Lizzy" or Meredith, or Aaron, or whomever. But the reality is that I am not saving myself. In fact, I am only hurting myself. We are designed to be relational people. Don't believe in God? That's fine. But you have to acknowledge that whether by Grand Design, or mere happenstance, people need each other. We need relationships. I can't speak for everyone when I say this, but I know that I am happiest when I am sharing a moment with a friend. That moment can be anything. My personal favorite is when you're sharing one of those gifts you have been given with another person. 

My high schoolers (you knew they would come up eventually) prove to me that people need each other all the time. The fact that they want a relationship with a non-athletic, long-haired, bearded college senior (AHHH) can only be fueled by a need for relationship. The kid I tutor is not dumb by any means. Maybe he's unmotivated, but let me tell you, the minute someone took time and invested in his progress, he changed immensely. He just needed to have someone willing to go through the experience with him. I'm terrified of needles. I made Schnelly go with me to get a shot once, and despite her adamant refusal to hold my hand, having a person there experiencing it with me made it better. Plus, now I can twist that into how terrible and mean she is to me :-)

I can't say that I will never be distrustful again, because chances are I will wake up tomorrow distrustful. I can't say that I won't push someone away because of it. But I can say that ignoring the whispers of betrayal is so worth it. Each of you reading this, at least the ones I have told about it, have experienced something with me. Maybe it was day 7 at Trail West. Maybe it was 7 years of putting up with each other. Maybe it is being twins, or major/mini me, or roommates. I don't know what it is you are thinking of, but I need you to know that I am grateful. I am grateful for your constant love and support. I am grateful for the times we drive each other crazy. I am grateful for the Shenanigans we uncover. I am grateful.

The Soap Box of a 70 Year Old

There's something very comforting in knowing that you can work through an issue with a friend, however big or small the issue may be. 

I leave for Italy in 2 weeks. 2 weeks from right now, I will be either on an airplane or in Athens, Greece. I'm mildly terrified, but I think I've resigned to the fact that I'm going. I'm starting to get a little excited for my five weeks in Europe. Followed by a week at home, and 5 weeks in Canada. This summer is going to be the craziest of my life.

I don't know why I'm surprised that I start becoming close to new people just in time to leave for three months. Or why I'm surprised that I start discussing the prospect of dating someone (kind of joking, but definitely kind of not) just before I leave for three months. I definitely don't know why I'm surprised when things are completely okay after a slight bump in the road of friendship. Whatever. I give up.

Remember the Young Life kid I'm tutoring? He is killing it. I am so proud of him. His dad told me that it's looking like the kid will get to go to camp this summer. Heck. Yes. I already liked this kid a lot. In fact, he was the very first kid I met almost three years ago when I started Young Life in Wichita. We have definitely gotten a lot closer because of this tutoring experience. He has really shown me the importance of having someone believe in you. He has taught me what it means to fulfill a need for someone I care about. And he has definitely affirmed my desire to teach. I swear, if I can get this kid to enjoy studying vocab, then I can teach anyone how to sing. Fact. I went to his house last week to encourage him to start a project. He pulls up his computer and shows me that he is already seventy percent done on the project. It blew my mind. I think he just needed someone to care and to take a little time. He's doing all the work. It makes my job so easy.

Dr. Crum has this uncanny ability to always be right, always be sassy, and teach me more about life and faith than I ever would have expected. She tells me exactly how it is, to the point of it being really hard to take some days. But I know she loves me, even when she is telling me I'm a lazy student (she's right. always). When I finally agreed to go to Italy this summer, she said "Oh good! I can have my husband meet me over there, and we can work on this while we are there and this and that and this and that." and went on for a couple minutes. And then she stopped and said "I mean, that's if you're okay with my going". I looked at her and said "Dotty, I wouldn't have it any other way" for which I got a lot of grief, because she hates "Dotty". Ever read the poem "Our Deepest Fear"?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The other day in our lesson, she was telling me something about needing to live up to my full potential, and basically summarized this poem without meaning to. I love this part "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world." How more cut and dry can it be? We are gifted with various things for a reason. This is why I don't relate to the insecurity that follows many singers. I don't care what anyone else is capable of, in that it has absolutely zero bearing on what I am capable of doing. I know that I have my own instrument, and I have something that offer that no one else has. Everyone has something unique to offer. God gives us gifts because He wants us to use them. That gift could be teaching, singing, something athletic, writing, engineering, sewing, the list goes on and on. I think our culture makes it difficult to identify what we are bad at, and inversely what we are good at. We are of the "consolation prize" society. "Good try. Just because you participated, here is a prize". I think that cheapens success, and it can mute the encouragement of loss. In our culture, it is frowned upon to be great at something, or at least to share it. If a person talks about what they are great it, they are classified as arrogant. Humility, to us, is in not discussing our strengths. I think humility is identifying where your strengths come from, and giving credit where credit is due. You can share your gifts without bragging. And using our gifts, sharing our gifts, is what it is all about. What good is your voice if you don't speak? I have had a lot of hesitation about this trip to Italy, and Dr. Crum said "Sean, God has provided this opportunity for you. He has given you this voice, and people will be drawn to you because of it. So dammit, use it! You don't have to be a performer, but you should definitely grow your gifts to its full potential, and you should share that with people when you have the opportunity". 

When I first started typing this post, to be quite honest, I wasn't sure which direction I wanted to take. I honestly thought it would be a post about friendships. Turns out I was wrong. Although, friendships can exemplify gifts. I have been blessed with friends that support me in my gifts. I have been blessed with friends that participate in my gifts with me. Accompanying for my friends is one of my all time favorite things. Something about being in that support position, and creating together, just gets me. Listening to a friend can be a gift, not only to them, but also a gift that God has given. Some people are bad listeners. It is a fact. To be frank, figuring out your gift can be difficult. I've been fortunate enough to know that I wanted to teach music since I was in first grade. Sometimes figuring out what your gift is in fine, but knowing what you want to do with that is the tricky part. But life cannot happen without experiences. Gifts cannot be uncovered without experiencing the world. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

I love that. I encourage you, friends, to make manifest the glory of God that is within you. But, Sean, I don't know what it is. Well, find out. Explore the world. Volunteer. Start a rebellion. Backpack through Europe. Take a road trip. Hug a friend. Let a friend love you. Cross something off your bucket list. Sing a song. Dance. And most of all, have yourself some Shenanigans.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate

Life never stops moving. That is a reality I am being forced to acknowledge more than I would like to. I only have three days of classes left in this semester. That absolutely blows my mind. Three weeks from right now, I will be in Athens, Greece, anticipating travel through Greece and Italy, and a month in Lucca, Italy. Where the heck did the time go?

Yesterday, I gave a recital at my church as a fundraiser for Italy. They took a love offering for me. People were definitely not required to donate. However, most did. The members of my church donated $1,000 to my trip. I am still in shock. Completely overwhelmed doesn't quite describe the feeling. Lately, I have been in awe of God's providence. I always tell people that God provides us with what we need most, and recently it has just been really apparent to me. My job at Grace Presbyterian, for instance, was too much of a coincidence for it not to have been designed. I met a guy through Young Life that told me about the job. I ignored it. Four months later, the job was still available. Here's the thing: piano jobs do not stay open in Wichita. They fill up in a hurry. However, it remained. I decided that I should pay attention. I auditioned and got the job as choir accompanist. Only then they found out I can sing. And then they needed a piano player for the band. And then the tenor soloist left, so they needed another one. But, why hire another when your accompanist happens to be a tenor? Grace Presbyterian has been a family for me, and I have been able to fill many needs for them. I am so blessed by that church. I cannot express the joy I receive from being there. It saddens me to be away the entire summer.

I have to tell you about Bridget. Bridget is my accompanist at school, but more than that she is one of my best friends. If you were to ask me to list my closest friends, my 68 year voice teacher would be listed, as well as my 40 year old accompanist. Originally, I had a different accompanist, but then the schedules didn't match up, so I called Bridget. I am so glad the schedules didn't match up. Bridget and I gossip like teenage girls. We talk about the very real life struggles we have. We laugh until we cry. And sometimes, we just cry a little bit. She is a phenomenal talent, and just an incredible person. On my recital, we performed a song called I Once Knew from Edges. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfVFvCGVmus I have to say, it was the most emotional performance I have ever been a part of. We knew it would be. Performing a piece that moves you and everyone around you is a very unique experience. It is one that is made even more special when you are able to feel those emotions with your fellow performer. Bridget and I know that it gets to each of us. We haven't discussed it, but I somehow feel "safer" exploring that emotional content knowing that Bridget is exploring it with me. If I had my original accompanist, I don't know what that would have been like. But God definitely provided me with the right friend in Bridget.

The reason I Once Knew gets to me is because it is a son singing to his mom. http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/edgesasongcycle/ionceknew.htm

Those are the lyrics. My mom might not like me writing this, but she was depressed for a good chunk of time when I was younger. And my dad wasn't a particularly good husband or father. The lyrics talk about a woman who wasn't scared to be challenged, a woman who could wipe away anyone's tears, a woman who had a laugh just like thunder, and a woman who saw all my moments, who taught me to sing and to stand up for myself. My mom is all of those things. Recently, she and I had to work through some issues pertaining to her having been depressed, and how my life might be different if she hadn't been depressed. My mother is the strongest person I know. She has always been there for me, and she never gives up. Sometimes, she is scared. Sometimes she has a hard time understanding why people are the way they are, just like I do. She always keeps going. She always reminds me of who I am and what I stand for (Matt, next time you ask me, I might have an answer). She is always comforting. When I was a sophomore in high school, she had cancer. She almost died while undergoing treatment. I walked into the ICU to see my mom hooked up to all these machines, barely conscious, on a diet of ice chips. She took my hand and told me that it was going to be okay. That pretty much sums her up. So, naturally, that song resonates with me. "Everything is fine, Mom, you can't be afraid". I sang that line, let a bit of silence in, heard my mom sob, and just about lost it. But we got through it. Sometimes, I think my mother has had to be too strong. But the bottom line is that I wouldn't be the same person if life had gone differently. God knew what He was doing.

I have the best friends in the world. I can talk to them about anything, and I usually do just that. Lizzy and I are able to talk about our fears, our loves, and everything in between. I am so appreciative of her. She and I have been friends for almost seven years, now. That is the longest, close friendship that I have had. Meredith keeps me on my toes. She's not afraid to ask me the hard questions that always make me think. And she's not afraid to do stupid stuff with me, or to me, depending on the situation. When I reflect on these friendships, I am blown away with the timing of them. Lizzy and I became friends just as we were really starting to develop our own senses of faith. Sometimes, I thought she was crazy. Usually, she was right (you better bookmark this one, Lizzy. You won't hear it again). Regardless, she shaped me, and always encourages me in my walk. She always keeps me fresh on my macaroni and cheese recipe. And the vegetables game. Meredith came into my life just in time for me to do some healing, which she played an integral part in. Similarly, Aaron showed up right when I really needed that best friend. I have been provided with these beautiful relationships just when I need them. Matt and I have really gotten close this semester. It's fun seeing him go through things that I went through. And trust me, I went through them. He's my Mini Me. We don't use that term lightly. But just as I feel like I'm supposed to be older and wiser, I learn from him. It is a blast to be able to share joy with someone. That is something I experience with all my friends. It is simply very prevalent with Matt because we spend an unhealthy amount of time together in classes, our quartet, writing music, and then just hanging out to hang out. And he came into my life right when I needed it. Those of you on Summer Staff, I count you as well. You all taught me so much. My favorite thing about these friendships is the ability to be honest with each other. And the ability to laugh. I have laughed until I cried with each of you. Except Matt and Lizzy. They are not funny at all. Fortunately, I make up for it.

As I get ready to leave the country for three months, I realize that I am terrified. I am scared that things will change. In fact, I know they will. I also know that my friendships won't change. But there's still a little fear. I think the biggest fear that I have is that someone will need me when I am gone. I fear that someone will pass away, or someone will get hurt, or just need me, and I won't be able to be there. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. True. And while I agree with the rest of the poem on some level, my greatest fear right now is not being able to be there for someone. I think I Once Knew resonates so much with me because I need to hear it. Sometimes, I need that reminder that everything is fine, and that I can't be afraid. I have to keep laughing with a laugh like thunder. I have to keep pouring love into people, even when the people that pour love into me are thousands of miles away.

Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you Hope and a Future'". I have always tried to trust that. This is NOT the time to stop that, however tempting it might be. I think my fear is reason enough for me to go. I'm sure Greece, Italy, and eventually Canada will be filled with Shenanigans. As Dr. Crum told me when I was expressing my fear of leaving my friends: we will certainly have a lot to catch up on upon my return. And what a return it will be...DIRECTLY in to school. Typical. Who would want a break? Oh yeah... me. Too bad. Life never slows down. You might as well jump in, or you might miss it.

They Missed a Love Language or Two...

I apologize in advance for any typos in this. It was 1:35 AM, and I am not proofreading this right now.

This weekend has been a busy one. I got to spend time with friends, with myself, with God, with music, and with the kitchen. I'm convinced that there is an additional love language: food. It has to be. Nothing says fellowship more than sharing a meal together. One of my favorite things to do is cook for people (because it is late, when I first typed that, it said "one of my favorite things to do is cook people"... Please know that I do not in fact cook people). I don't really know what it is, but I absolutely love. I hate cooking when I'm the only one eating it. I think part of it is knowing that college students love a home-cooked meal. I know that by doing that, I am loving them. Another part of is that I secretly love to show off. I can hear Lizzy thinking "what part of that is a secret?". Rude. But I do. I love cooking "extravagant" things for people. Truthfully, none of it is extravagant; it just seems extravagant. I love things that seem impressive, but actually require very little work. My somewhat recent good friend Andrew came over Friday night, and we ate dinner together. After that, we went to try to see Home Run. All we knew about it is that it involved Young Life in some way. It was sold out, so we saw Olympus has Fallen. Andrew bought my ticket in exchange for dinner. Welcome to the Man-date. Best thing ever. I was not mentally prepared for the movie. So intense. But so good. Anyway, after that, I went to a choir party and brought a dessert I had made. It was another super simple thing that people love. And I love sharing that with people. Fun was had by all. Winner.

On Saturday, I got to share my love of music with people. I played for a really talented senior in high school at her senior recital. It was a joy. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't charge people for accompanying, because I really love it and I love providing that service for people. However, that feeling is generally short-lived. But the love that I feel lasts for quite a while. In addition to that, I got to perform with my quartet, the Shockappellas, today. We sang the national anthem at a WSU softball game. I think the love that is formed when you achieve something together is my favorite. I truly cannot articulate what those guys have come to mean to me in the short time we have been working together. I love them. We rely on each other in performance and out of performance. From a professional standpoint, we must count on each other to learn parts, be on time, and communicate about performances and rehearsals. From a friendship standpoint, we all watch out for each other. I know I could call on them to help me in a bind. We laugh together almost more than we sing. And when we achieve something great, it is almost always followed up by a hug - both group hug and individual hugs. I truly wish that each of you gets to experience something like this group.

A confrontational love is one of the hardest loves to accept. Problems WILL arise in relationships. It is just the way things go. Handling those problems is when things get tricky. I am always a firm believer in speaking one's mind, especially in situations where something is amiss. Saturday night, I had the opportunity to practice what I preach. It was difficult. I'd like to think that it gets easier, but that isn't really the case. The only redeeming quality of confronting conflict is that reconciliation often comes quickly after. Many people prefer to sweep things under the rug, so to speak. Believe me when I say this: You can't do that your whole life. I mean, you can, but it is just not worth it. Things never resolve. And when they don't resolve, they tend to fester, successfully aggrandizing the issue. No es bueno. I truly can't decide which is more difficult: initiating or receiving confrontation. Neither are easy. Both are necessary. Both are easier when you trust the conversation is stemming from a place of love.

You will probably read about this idea of filling a need for someone a lot in this blog. And when I say filling a need, that can be anything. I fill a need in the music ministry at church. I fill a need for my Mini Me in that I'm his accompanist... and one of his only straight friends (fine arts. not our fault. But we rely on each other for the occasional dose of testosterone). Today at campaigners (bible study with my Young Life guys), we talked about Doubting Thomas. Doubting Thomas is my favorite person in the bible. Not necessarily because he didn't believe, but because of how Jesus reacts.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:%2019-31&version=NIV

Thomas needed to see in order to believe, which is a feeling I think we can all relate to, spiritually or not. And what did Jesus do? He showed up. He reached out to Thomas and offered the evidence Thomas needed. Jesus met Thomas exactly where he was, and fulfilled Thomas' need. Jesus didn't ridicule him; he simply provided for Thomas. Wow. It is such a comfort to know that the God of the universe will provide for me in the exact way that I need.

Today, I officially had the opportunity to fulfill a very tangible need for one of my YL guys. He needs help in school, so I am tutoring him. He is a great kid. He told me about his grades, and I immediately felt that I should tutor him. The fact of the matter is that I don't have a lot of time. However, I knew that this was supposed to happen. Today we spent about an hour planning out study schedules, homework schedules, discussing note taking, and studying vocab by relating it to video games. Shenanigans. As I was leaving, I said "I believe in you". His response: "I think I'm starting to believe in myself again". My eyes are filling with tears as I type this. Being there for my YL kid in this way is one of the most humbling experiences. It is the first time one of them has really needed me. I feel like this is just the tiniest glimpse of what Jesus felt for Thomas. Jesus provides for us which, in turn, allows us to provide for others. It is a beautiful thing. All of these "loves" that I have talked about are ways in which I can provide for others. Loving people is different for each person, giving and receiving. But I know one thing. If your eyes are open, you will how to love. Whether it is through Shenanigans, or straightforward, you can see it. People are really bad at hiding what the need. We all wear our hearts on our sleeves. It's just a matter of looking.

"That's the hardest place to be: between friend and uh.. friendlier"

If someone gets that title reference, they will be my hero. Although the quote is actually talking about the difference between friends and dating, I'm talking about friends. I'm an intense friend. It is a fact of life. I'm also high maintenance. I don't show it on the outside, but I am. In addition to all of that, I'm hyper sensitive to people's demeanor, tone, and general feelings. It's obnoxious. So, add hyper-sensitivity to an already moderately insecure person when it comes to relationships, and you have me. Hot mess express, let me tell you. 

I suck at being friends with guys. I'm much better at hanging out with girls. They like to sit and talk. They are more willing to discuss feelings. I'm all about it. However, and I speak from experience, tell a guy "Hey, this is making feel like *insert emotion here*" and see what happens. You'll likely get the "uh..." or the deer in the head lights, or they will laugh and think you're joking. So then you're in this awkward situation where you can choose to run and hide (my personal favorite), play it off as a joke, or awkwardly change the subject and pretend you didn't show any sign of having an emotion beyond hunger, thirst, "she's hot", or bored. 

Now, as if all of this wasn't enough, I'm also big on touch. I love a hug. I don't mean of this awkward "arms barely touch the person" hug. And I definitely don't mean the one hand hand-shake thing that then pulls into the slap on the back with the free hand aka the bro-hug. I mean a good squeeze. I also love to cuddle. My favorite thing about hanging out with my mini-me is that he's the same. If we're watching a movie or playing video games, chances are that one of us is leaning on the other. We are just touchy people, and it's awesome. Though, we are definitely the minority. After you've recovered from the traumatic experience of sharing your emotions with a guy, try hugging. Let me know how that works out for you.

The last ingredient in this recipe of insanity is that I don't separate friendships from relationships. Friendships are relationships. The unfortunate truth is that relationships require work. Especially relationships with me. We all have those friends that are more like acquaintances. I have them too. I have friends that I can hang out with and do nonsense things like video games, or playing catch. But I would much rather sit down and talk. It is really hard for me to have a long term surface level friendship. I also don't like chit chat. I want to know what is REALLY going on with you. I want to know what makes you tick. I want to know your joys, your hurts, you frustrations, the things that make you fall in love, and everything else. I want to know about your life up to this point. I love hearing about a person's family. The thing is, once we have gone to that "deeper level", we can talk about whatever. We could talk about the weather, sports, anything on the surface. I just have to know we can reach that deeper level of conversation.

One thing that I really struggle with is understanding that not everyone is in the same place as I am. It's hard for me to understand that not everyone pays attention like I do. I can be having a bad day, and putting out "the signs" and have no one notice. And I get mad. I think to myself "Well, they obviously don't care about me" and that is not the case. People just don't always pay attention. The other day, I walked in a room with my mini-me and knew instantly that something was wrong. I asked him about it twenty minutes later, and he said "Screw you, Sean! How did you know?". It has taken me a long time to understand that we are all gifted with different things. One of my gifts is this "sense". It has taken me an even longer time to accept that we all show we care through different ways, and that's okay. I think we get ourselves in trouble because we try to fit people into molds we have designed for them. Or we try to fit ourselves into other people's lives in a way we want to fit in. I would love for my friends to come to me when they are having a bad day. I would love to be the person they call to hang out with. But I'm not. I'm often pursuing them. I have to continue that role, no matter how difficult it gets. It's just the way I am, I guess.

Having friends like the ones I do has really presented me with a challenge. I need to play the role my friends need me to play, rather than the role I want them to need me to play. And I have to trust that the Lord will put the right people in my life to fulfill my needs. 

My high school kids have taught me a lot about friendship. They have taught me how to put another person's needs before my own in regards to friendship. They allow me to play a certain role in their lives. That is a role devoid of hugs and expression of feelings. It is a role full of horsing around, teasing, and typical "male bonding" (Kill me). They love sharing experiences and reflecting on those experiences. They love trying to tackle me while I'm all like "Why are we touching? We're sweaty." or "We are shirtless and in the water. That means we should be swimming. Not jumping on each other. I feel like I could be arrested for this". Regardless of the constant Shenanigans, I fill a specific role in their lives and they show their love in totally different way than I do. Although that love is different, it is still love. And I love that.

Out of the Mouths of Gremlins

I used to work with Young Life's middle school ministry called Wyldlife. Used to. Only tonight, they needed help with an event, so I said I would do it. Ever seen the Amazing Race? It was kind of like that only less intense and contained to east Wichita. I ended up driving a truck I had never driven before, full of kids I had never met before, to places I had never been before. Well, only one place was new to me, but it made for a really great sentence. I digress. Anyway, I'm "obeying the speed limits" around Wichita, dropping these kids off to do ridiculous things like eat french fries through a giant straw and wrap the Chick-Fil-A cow in toilet paper. We won (obviously). I ignore the fact that one of the stations wasn't functioning, so we got a fast forward.

 As I was driving to our last stop (wrapping the cow), one of the kids looked at me and said "Hey, I'm going to take my clothes off if that's alright with you"..........

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?!?!?!?!?! "Um, how about not, because I don't want to get arrested for pedophilia". Because we are trying to show them that Jesus loves everyone, even the nudists, I simply said "Hey, whatever floats your boat". Please know that I was fully prepared to prevent this child from being naked in the vehicle. He stopped after removing his shirt. He ran around shirtless for the rest of the race, and for a while after that.

Also, I have to tell you about a kid named Carter. Carter and I met last summer at Wyldlife camp, and I absolutely love that kid. I got to see him tonight. He is actually one of the main sources of inspiration for the title of "Shenanigans". He told me once "Sean, if you were a stripper, I'd make it rain". It floored me. Very rarely am I speechless. That was one of those times.

Anyway, once everyone had regrouped, and my victory (okay, fine, "our" victory") had been announced, the area director for Young Life, Shep, gave a talk on John 5: 1-9 which you can read at http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%205&version=NIV. Shep used this passage as a spring board for this idea of "what are we using to block God's love from pouring into us?". For the invalid, it might have been that he had no one to help him get well, as he told Jesus. However, Jesus did not ask him why he wasn't well. Jesus asked him if he wanted to be well. Did he want his life to be different? Jesus is not talking about the physical ailment alone. He is talking about healing of the spiritual nature; healing from sin.

This question then follows: Do we want to be healed? I say yes. And I wish it was as simple as that. But I have to wonder what I am using to block God's love from fully pouring into me. I know a big one is time. Not that I do not have time, but that I do not make time. Let's be honest with ourselves. We all have time. It's just a matter of sacrificing a little and committing it to God. I am beyond horrible at that.
The reason I brought up Carter is this: on the way back from Wyldlife camp, he was sitting next to me on the bus. All of a sudden, he busted out his ancient King James bible, and jumped into Genesis. He sat there amid the madness of a Young Life bus ride, and quietly read the first 8 chapters of Genesis. Talk about a punch to the gut. If a 11 year old can do it in a noise filled bus after one of the more action-packed weeks of his life, I can do it in the peace and quiet of my own home, before or after a long day. But I don't. And that is something I really need to examine.

I think we all have our own struggles. I have many that go beyond a simple time commitment. But I think it is invaluable to identify them. If we can't identify them, or if we are convinced that we are doing it correctly, then how can we move forward? How can we work through these Shenanigans that we work ourselves into? I don't have the answer. I don't know that I ever will. But what I do have are middle school guys that continually teach me about the Lord, about loving people, about having fun, and about Shenanigans. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

What's "Shenanigans", Precious?

A little background: I'm a junior Vocal Performance major, I work with youth through an organization called Young Life, I work with the music ministry at my church, I'm in a barbershop quartet, I accompany four people on piano, I take organ lessons, and somewhere in there, I try to be a good friend. I don't have a lot of extra time. Not to mention, I'm an emotional basket case about seventy-five percent of the time. Solid, right? Needless to say, time to process my thoughts and emotions is really important to me, and when I don't get it I kind of start to lose it. That might look like me going dark side and just not talking to anyone. It might be me being the exact opposite. Either way, I'm off balance and it is obvious. That's where this blog comes in. I finally decided to take my life, and instead of going to therapy like a sane person would, I'm going to start writing about it for the public eye. What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment. 

There's a reason this blog is titled "Shenanigans". That seems to be the theme for my life. I lived in a retired fire station with five guys, a pregnant woman (don't worry, she is married to one of the guys), two cats that sucked at being cats, and a Great Dane who might as well have been another person. Who does that? No one in his right mind. Through Young Life, I take kids to camp over the summer. Inevitably, that involves a "gremlin" falling asleep on me, or styling my hair with shaving cream (I have really long hair), or popping giant, freezing-cold water balloons over my head. I have had lemonade dumped on me, been kissed by some random high school boy that I did not know, and listened to some of the worst jokes in the world, all in an effort to make me laugh. Did any of it work? Absolutely not. I was too pissed about being soaked in lemonade. Rude.

 

Being a fine arts major, I deal with the crazies. And I use crazy in every denotation and connotation that comes with it. You know all those stereo-types that you think of when you hear "fine arts major"? Well, stereo-types are based in fact. They couldn't be more accurate, yet at the same time, they completely miss the mark. If dealing with musicians, dancers, and actors on a regular basis doesn't constitute "shenanigans" then I have no idea what does. Plus, I take voice from a 68 year old, unforgivably sassy woman affectionately referred to as "Crumbles"... whom I am slowly turning into....

There are definitely a few friends that you will read a lot about. My roommate's name is Aaron. Aaron and I keep accidentally scaring each other. One of these days, he's going to get punched. Then there's my twin, Meredith... Dear lord. Suffice it to say that in the early stages of our friendship, we bonded over a mutual desire to karate chop people whenever they irritated us. I have a mini me named Matt, and he is simply that. He is me but two years ago. And red-headed. Then there's Lizarda. No, she is not a lizard, but she is my best friend from high school who continually sasses me, and tells me how funny she is (even though she's not funny at all). These four keep me on my toes. They know me better than most. I have a unique relationship with each of them. And they all love my mom. In fact, I'm sometimes convinced they love Mama Foster more than me. You'll hear about Mom a lot, too.

I think the biggest thing you should know about me is that I over think everything. I over think relationships, faith, music, cooking, furniture, everything in my life. So be ready for that. Chances are, if you're reading this, we will disagree on things. And that's okay. But know that I'm not going to shy away from topics. In fact, the reason I finally decided to start this blog is that I was really having a hard time understanding the world's views on sex (don't worry, I'm not jumping into that right now). My favorite thing about writing is that it forces me to organize and examine my thoughts. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to find out what I really think about friendships. I'm going to find out what I really think about trusting people with my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, I'm going to simply write about my gremlins and the hysterical things they do. I don't know what all this will be. But I do know that it will be me. And that's all I can hope for. That, and Shenanigans.