I took the one less traveled by, and that has made All the difference.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both 

And be one traveler, long I stood 

And looked down one as far as I could 

To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim, 

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for that the passing there 

Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black. 

Oh, I kept the first for another day! 

Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 

I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 

I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference.

Sometimes stepping down that road can be the hardest thing, but way does indeed lead on to way. I'm going to tell myself that as I move through this period of life where so many things are in flux. Relationships, paths, they all change. And that's okay. Sometimes it sucks a ton. But it is usually worth it. 

Life is getting serious lately. As I near the end of my undergrad, I am faced with the possibility of leaving friends behind as we move on in life. I'm faced with figuring out my life. 

In light of Advent and Christmas, I think I have found an even greater peace in God. I don't know why. Just the focus on Him, I guess. But I'm not mad at it. Even just today I had a conversation that I felt prompted to have. I thought it was going to be impossibly difficult, but it wasn't. It was hard, don't get me wrong. And I wish there had been a way to avoid it. However, I felt God's hand in it, and that brings a peace. 

Way leads on to way, Sean. Way leads on to way.

Shout for Joy to the LORD all the Earth

Happy Thanksgiving!!! What a day. Mom had a couple friends come over, so it was just four of us. We all pitched in on the cooking. It was great. My contribution was a bourbon pumpkin cheesecake with a spiked cinnamon whipped cream. So. Good. Seriously. But it was just a nice time.

I have so much to be thankful for. I have received some of the most meaningful, loving texts of thankfulness today. In an effort to respond to those, I began to think about what each of my friends means to me. Talk about an emotional experience. In case you don't know, you all mean so much to me. The way each of you has impacted my life is remarkable. I have the best friends in the world, and this year they have meant more to me than ever before. I have my best friend that stays up entirely too late with me playing video games, talks to me about literally anything and everything, is pretty much the same person as me, is 100% there for me on the rare occasion that I say "Hey, I need you", puts up with my emotions, and makes me laugh constantly. I have my other best friend/roommate that is always down for some quality Shenanigans i.e. the flaming Giraffe. He also knows me incredibly well. We don't talk tons anymore, and that's okay. We both know that when we need to talk, the other is always there. It's pretty legit to have that level of comfort with someone. I am thankful for friends that have been with me 6 or 7 years. Schnelly and Lizzy have seen it all. If you want to know what I was like, ask them. They were there. And they were there for everything. They are still there for everything. Neither of them live near me, but it doesn't matter. I am also really thankful for a group of guys. I've never had that before. The fact that I'm planning a guys weekend in KC is blowing my mind. I wouldn't have ever guessed I would have a group of friends with whom to share those kinds of experiences. I have lots of really quality friendships. I have some that came as answered prayers, I have some that just emerged, and I have some that I have to be really intentional with. I love them all. I am so thankful for friends that, I can say with confidence (that's a big deal), love me and want to be there for me.

I'm thankful for Young Life and all that it is to me. I'm SO thankful for my Young Life guys that let me care for them, and care about me. They are the best. Truly. They make me laugh, they teach me so much, and they are just real. I love seeing them figure themselves out and learn things about life, about love, and about faith. I'm also thankful for all of my Work Crew and Summer Staff friends. You all have changed my life. Truly.

I have a loving family. Are we dysfunctional? Absolutely. Does it matter? Nope.

I have talents and gifts to share with other people, and I am the recipient of such sharing from so many.

I have a church that I love. I used to be kind of anti-church, but Grace Presbyterian is just a wonderful place and a really important part of my life.

Most of all, I have a God who loves me like crazy. He is one that provides all these things that I am so thankful for. This year more than ever, I am overwhelmed with thanks. I wouldn't have it any other way.

If I have faith that can move mountains, but not love, I am nothing

Holidays are tough. I feel like everyone feels so many different things around the holidays. There is the excitement of time away from school or work, time spent with family and friends, an excuse to eat really wonderful things, and (hopefully) some good ol' relaxation. However, there are some other things that often go along with the holidays. Stress, some more stress, and a little bit of this thing called stress. Of course stress stems from a myriad of places. For kids with split parents, it's stressful getting all of that worked out. If there's a family member that you have some issues with, you are forced to face those for a period of time. Travel can be stressful. Just planning in general: who is coming, what meals are we in charge of, who's picking whom up from the airport, where is everyone staying, etc.

For me, holidays make me face some of the extreme dysfunction in my family. I know, we all have dysfunctional families. And we do. Every family has its crap, and it is never fun to deal with it. So, I'm stressed. We aren't even having family in Kansas City this year, it will just be Mom, Nana, and me, and yet I am stressed. School still hasn't let up, which is fine, but it still adds to it. Family is tough. My dad has been married twice, with two kids from each marriage. He has Kris and Dave from his first wife, and Dale and me from his second, with 11 years between Dave and Dale. Kris and Dave are 16 and 14 years older than me, respectively. Dale is 3.5 years older than me. Until recently, I didn't have much of a relationship with Kris or Dave. As Kris put it "Sean, I'm sure we had riveting conversations when you were 5 and I was 21". Touche, Kris. But lately, we have been getting closer. It's really awesome. I love knowing that I have three siblings to call on if I need them. I'm closest to Dale, as we actually grew up together. However, I am finding out that I am probably most similar to Kris. At least she and I view things very similarly. I'm really pumped to continue growing relationships with her and with Dave. Like most families, we have issues. A lot of our issues involve our dad. I'm not going to delve into those, but just know they exist. The holidays force us to look at them, resign to them, give up on them, all of the above. It's hard. And it definitely impacts the rest of my life.

I feel like I'm not alone in this. I know that other people experience similar things. I feel it all around me. Every time someone says "I'm excited for Thanksgiving" someone feels the "I mean, yeah, but..." sensation. I know I do. When my family issues are front and center, it affects my relationships. It brings up old insecurities that I thought I was over. I woke up last Friday and thought "wow, I'm decently self-sabotaging in my friendships". And it's true. I am the champion of letting one small thing override a world of good in a friendship. Usually it isn't an issue anymore. I know how to reason my way out of thoughts like those. I think, though, that it is so prominent right now because I have so much other stuff stirring in my heart. Not to mention, last night Aaron said "Well, yeah. That makes sense. And add to that you feeling everything around you as well, and of course it's going to be tough". When I have so many things for my heart to sort through, weed out, promote, and try to suppress, it gets tired. My defenses get spread too thinly. That's when I start listening to things like "That person doesn't actually care about you" or "they only put up with you so you can help them" or whatever it is. And I really listen to them. I'll believe one of those over "I care about you" and "I'm glad to have you as a best friend" and "I love you" no matter how many times affirmations are said to me. And then I get envious, or self-seeking, or distrustful. 

This all started happening at the end of last week. Friday I really realized it was happening. And then I read 1 Corinthians 13.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13

It spells out the qualities and importance of love. I read it three times that day and every time it kicked my butt. And, by the transitive property, you can replace the word "love" with "God" in that passage, because God is Love. And then it'll really get you. But it makes everything okay. As I begin to distrust my best friends, or grow impatient with my family, or focus too much on my desires, I remember two things: the qualities of that passage which tell me about the love I experience and need to share, and Dr. Crum telling me to "Remember the Grace of God". I can hear her saying it always. I am so grateful for those reminders. And sometimes I will still mess up. So, when I'm an emotional hot mess, I apologize. When I doubt you every time you tell me you care about me, I'm sorry. When I manage to twist everything around into some convoluted message that says you hate me, just give me a hug. or two. or twenty. When I appear to be avoiding eye contact with you/conversations with you, it's probably because I'm fighting that battle at that moment and there is some lie that I'm believing. I will get it together eventually. It is just the shittiest thing. But Love is patient, is kind, is not envious, always hopes, always trusts, and never fails. I just forget that sometimes. 

Woof.

This week was something. Many people I know lost a friend this week, and I felt it. Like, I really felt it. My heart was heavy for a few days. It's not a fun thing. I didn't know the guy that passed away, but I was still affected by his death. It straight up sucks when someone so young loses his life. I have been fortunate to only have one person close to me pass away, and that was my dog. I haven't ever lost anyone else. And seeing people deal with the loss of this young man makes me appreciate that so much more. In the very least, we know he is living to his fullest potential in Heaven. I'm a tad envious of that.

Matt, Jacob, and I planned on hanging out last night. We were going to have dinner at my house (I was cooking), go see Guys and Dolls at WSU, and hang out some afterwards. However, with the death, Matt wasn't able to be with us, as he was at the memorial service. And rightfully so. Jacob and I were talking about Matt and how Matt felt bad for canceling our plans. I told him "Don't even think for a second that I would be upset about that." As we were discussing it, Jacob said "In fact, if we had been upset about that, Matt should probably never talk to us again because we would be terrible people". Fact. So, Jacob and I had some quality hang out time with dinner and the show. Afterward we hung out with a couple other freshmen in the dorms. It's good for me to hang out with them. I get really caught up in what is going on, and I forget to enjoy life. I forget to enjoy the company of the people I am with. Being in the dorms reminded me of how nice it is to have people stop by and see how you're doing, and how great it is to know you can walk down the hall and talk to a friend. Not to mention, the shenanigans that ensue are hysterical. "Anything racist is fine by me" - a sweet innocent freshman. WHAT?!?!?! Literally never thought I'd hear those words. I would like to clarify that racism is not okay, and that is not what was meant. I took that quote entirely out of context. No one was being racist. I promise.

This upcoming week could be interesting. I'll be frantically solidifying pieces for an audition, singing in a master class setting, having a conversation that could be interesting, writing music with Matt (It's crucial), and whatever else the week throws at me. I'm going to remain positive. I have to. I need to remain loving. I'm just a happier person when I accomplish that.

Also, I really want to have a guys bible study. There. I said it. I've wanted it for a while, and I've talked to a couple people about it, but I've never had the guts to just start one. I just want to have that community and that fellowship that comes from studying the word together. Any takers?


Also also, TWO AND A HALF WEEKS UNTIL THANKSGIVING BREAK WHICH MEANS FOUR WEEKS UNTIL THE END OF CLASSES WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!!!!! But I'm SO excited to be done. Winter break can get here at any time. Any. Time.

This Almost Sounds Like a Bad Joke

So, a Protestant, a Mormon, and a Catholic all went to lunch together...

But really. Today, I had the pleasure of hanging out with Matt and Jacob. Jacob is a new mention in the blog. He's a freshman this year at WSU. We met through the opera, and have been getting to know each other. It's always fun to hang out with new people and get to know them. Plus, I totally have a soft-spot for the introverted freshmen that don't like being outgoing. Anyway, it really was the coolest thing. The three of us shared a meal together and ended up talking about Jesus. Now, in the event you don't know, Mormons, Catholics, and Protestants are all pretty different. But that didn't matter. We just talked about Jesus, the bible, crazy churches, and some different philosophies. Did I pick up on differences? Of course. Did any of them matter? Definitely not. The three of us realize that people come from different backgrounds, but more importantly we realize that Jesus is the only thing that matters. It doesn't matter if we have different interpretations of texts, or if we believe differently about communion, baptism, church leadership, any of it. The commonality of Jesus being Lord, the Messiah, is what let's us talk so freely. To quote Jacob "It's quite refreshing". Maybe no one else thinks this is cool, but I loved it. And I loved that the conversation just turned to Jesus. None of us went into lunch planning on it. We just wanted to spend some time hanging out. I just think it's great.

Tonight, I found some notes that were written to me in Canada. People talked about my joy, my loving people, my compassion. I feel like if people from school were to read these notes, they would be like "what? That isn't the Sean we know", and that breaks my heart. I hate that I am different at school than I am when I'm around my Young Life community. I need to be consistent. I don't know why it is hard for me to love my peers like I love my high school guys or my friends from Summer Staff. If anything I should show love even more to my peers. So, if any of you read this, I am sorry. I apologize for not treating you the way I want you to be treated.

NATS (National Association for Teachers of Singing) happened this weekend. I took third place in my category, which is nice. NATS is tremendously subjective, and sometimes it feels unjust, but that's okay. Making the finals is the important part. I got to spend the weekend with Matt, which was a good time. We were together constantly from 17:00 Thursday to 21:30 Saturday. And then we hung out again today. Matt did well at NATS. He got 4th in classical and 2nd in Musical Theatre. I am really, really proud of the way he sang. I told Aaron about it tonight. I said "Matt didn't sing the most challenging, impressive thing ever for classical, but you just can't argue with a great voice. Matt has a great voice that he is really learning to use well". Seriously. I could listen to the kid sing pretty much all day. I love performing with him. I'm fortunate to get to share that with him. I'm fortunate to get to work with all of the singers I work with. They are amazing. I enjoy my time with them immensely.

Performing with your best friend is just legit. We don't really talk about much with the music. We just kind of do it and it goes well. Matt and I think the same way. It's a really cool thing. Watching him grow has been one of the highlights of college for me. I love seeing people succeed, but when that person is my best friend, it's even better. I loved getting to be at NATS with him and see him realize even more the talent that he is. People would compliment him, and I'd just glow with pride even though I had literally nothing to do with it. Bridget and I are the same way with the musical aspects. She follows exactly what I am trying to do with the music. Occasionally she and I will have to talk about something, but that's to be expected. Matt and I do, too. But it is very rare with both. More often than not, I only have to tell Bridget about something specific when I don't know how to communicate it well. So it's on me.

If you ever have to perform regularly with someone, let them know your life. I perform better with people that I trust in daily life. Makes sense. If I can trust them with my thoughts and emotions, I can trust them with my music. After all, for me, music is the expression of my thoughts and emotions.

I feel like if a Protestant, a Catholic, and a Mormon can all share a meal together, share lives with each other, and look right passed any differences, then I can be compassionate, kind, and joyous at school. Jesus has done and will do amazing things. He can soften this heart of mine. I just have to let Him. So, here goes. Lord help me.

Why don't I want to want to perform?

It's something to really think about for me. I'm puzzled by it. Part of me has a very real desire to perform. Another part of me is trying to stifle that.

This semester I got the wonderful opportunity to play Sam Polk in Carlisle Floyd's Susannah. Sam is the leading tenor role in the show. That alone is a cool experience. However, I also got to perform with Sam Ramey, who is a world-famous opera singer. As if that wasn't enough, I got to work with the composer, Carlisle Floyd. Working with those two people was truly an invaluable experience. I don't really know how to express it. But I loved it. I really did. I hate admitting that, for whatever reason.

Thus far, I haven't really enjoyed doing operas at WSU for any reason other than the people that I do the shows with. I really dislike waiting on other people to learn music, learn the language, or memorize the text. I'm a quick study and I want to work with people that keep up. I didn't run into those issues with Susannah. There are a number of reasons for that. I only rehearsed with two other actors, playing the same character, and both are pretty professional. They got their crap together quickly, which encouraged me to do the same. The opera was in English so language wasn't as big an obstacle as it has been, although we had to lean to sing in the Appalachian dialect. Also, something about having a world-famous opera star present makes people step up their games. Who knew?

Every tells me I could perform if I wanted to. People tell me I can sing at the Met. They tell me I could sing at all the big opera houses in Europe. They say, because of the size of my voice, that I am able to sing repertoire only about 1% of the population can sing. I believe them. My beliefs also follow that God gifts us each differently, and for a specific purpose. By that belief, how can I ignore all these things? I know that musical ability doesn't mean you will perform. Lizzy has musical ability, but performing isn't anywhere close to her radar. My mom was a child prodigy, but performing wasn't what she was supposed to do. But I've gotten basically through my undergrad, and it is only becoming clearer that I can do it. God gave me a voice. God gave me ability. God keeps opening doors for me to perform. Why am I hesitant?

Marie (the director of opera here at WSU) asked me "Sean, is it because you are worried you won't find work? That's the only reason to not want to want it that I can think of. And let me tell you this: You will find work. There is no doubt about that". So, that's no longer a viable fear. I think I am scared to want something that isn't concrete. I don't know what a performing career looks like. It isn't stable. It is constantly changing. These are things that I, typically, am not a fan of. I don't like being away from family for long periods of time. I don't like unfamiliar environments. But I like performing. I hate admitting it, but I really do. I might even love it. It takes so much out of me, but I love it. I believe that love, that passion, was given to me so that I can pursue it. But man I don't want to.

Jeremiah 29:11 will tell me that God has incredible plans for me that will only lead to good. I trust that. But do I trust it enough to jump into something so terrifying? I think we all deal with this fear. I have dealt with it so many times. I'm going to end this post with something I wrote two years ago. It is insane to me that two years ago I was feeling similar things that I am feeling now. Things seem to cycle like that.

I’m standing at a precipice. Behind me is this life that I’ve always known, and always had. In front of me is an enormous plunge that, should I choose to take it, could totally change my life. I think it really comes down to a simple choice between two things:  fear and trust. For me, fear isn’t the opposite of bravery. It is the opposite of trust. The only time I am fearful is when I don’t have trust in the Lord. I love the Lord. I trust Him. So, why is it so hard to take this leap? Why is it so hard to choose utter and complete trust, and to let go of this life I’ve always known, and always had?

The thing is, only I know the answer to that. It’s not a thought that another human can supply me with. It has to come from within this brain God created for me. That’s the unfortunate part. I take note that the right choice isn’t ever easy. I’m reminded of those quotes that I read all through elementary school about how we should stand for what we believe in even if it means standing alone, and how the right choice isn’t always the popular choice. Trust is something many people struggle with. I believe that giving myself over to Him gives me life beyond my wildest imagination. I want that. I yearn for that.

All through my life, I have yearned to fly. I know it’s not currently a reality that will come true, but that doesn’t stop my heart from longing for that experience. If I leap from this precipice, I will fly. God has promised me that, in His own way. I pine for it. It is my heart’s truest desire. So, why can’t I get my feet off the ground? It’s quite frustrating. However, at least I’m at the edge now. Two years ago, I couldn’t even contemplate this time in my life; much less see where it might change. That’s progress. God has the pieces in place. I just need to put the king in checkmate.

I have the relationships, definitely. My friends build me up, they sharpen me, they challenge me, and we grow together. I love them. I love my family more than I ever knew that I would. I love my work, and my studies. It is so obviously what I want to be doing. So is this whole ministry, thing. My heart gets excited at the thought of my middle schoolers, or of working with the leaders, or even of that boys’ home! I want to do that so badly. I have to know, though, that I can’t TRULY lead until I give it all over to God. I’ve done it before on some level, but I need to take charge of my handing over the steering wheel; not that that makes any sense, but it really does. I need to make it happen. I need to give it all up.

Which will you choose:  fear or trust? Will you choose to fly? I will. I choose trust. I just need to leap. Leap from this platform, this precipice. The rest of my life and the whole world are over this cliff. It is all spread out before me for the taking. I just need to…jump.

Ready… Set…

Not a lot.

It's been a while. I promised Lara that I would have semi-regular blog posts now that I am back from Canada, but I whiffed hard on that one.

I haven't really had anything specific to write about, so I thought I'd just talk about life for a minute. This might be a shorter one.

Life has been hectic; school is absolutely insane. Music History 1 might kill me, but at least it is calming down. In 1.5 weeks, I had four tests (two for Music History) and a group project for music history. It was a little bit overwhelming to say the least. However, I pulled an 83 percent on my first MH test. I was thrilled. Considering I didn't do a whole lot of studying, and that is liable to be the hardest test of my undergrad, I am not mad at it. We were responsible for forty listening examples of pre-renaissance music. Awful. But I did it. I'm still waiting to get my written exam back. Who knows how that one went? I certainly don't.

The opera is going well. I don't have a ton to say about that. I am enjoying this rehearsal process much more than others, mostly because I don't have rehearsal very often and when I do have rehearsal, it isn't for very long. I am only in scenes with one other character. It's great. The music is really interesting. At first, I thought it was going to be miserable to learn, but that's mostly because I assume anything I can't sightread is going to be miserable to learn. I'm lazy... But, once I took it apart, I wrapped my head around it pretty quickly.

The director of opera wants me to clean a gun and sharpen a knife on stage. She said "I have no idea how to do that, though. Sam Ramey, do you know how? Ed (her husband), do you know how?" They both replied "no". I looked at her and said "Oh. Well, I mean, I know how to do both of those things." The looks I got were hysterical. You'd have thought I revealed I was actually a millionaire. It was promptly followed by a "huh?!" Awesome. I love being the atypical music major.

I think God gave my heart a rest after Malibu. The last few years entailed us working through a great deal of crap. However, I felt really content over the last month. Maybe it was because God knew I would be so busy adjusting to school. I'm not sure. But let me tell you, that resting period is over. Tonight I felt him go to work again. Not okay. I mean, it's way beyond okay. But it still sucks a little bit. I know that the end result is well worth the heartache and emotion now; I'm still not happy about it.

I have some of the best friends in the world. Seriously. I officially know what it is like to have someone stand up for me when it may not be the popular thing to do. I know what it is like to be missed. I know what it is like to have someone know all of my crap and just roll with it. I know what it is like to have people I admire be proud of me. Things are great. I wouldn't trade my friends for anything in the world.

Also, Aaron and I might be moving sometime this school year. We are thinking about moving into a house with two of our friends. We want a bigger place with multiple stories so that we can go to bed without feeling like we are still in the living room. And we found some really cool houses. I'm excited. I still haven't unpacked from the most recent move, so I'm in great shape, hahaha.

I love the two of you that read this blog. Seriously, haha. This one is surfacey, but that's okay. I'm sure there will be something on my heart so strongly that I have to blog about it soon.