Why don't I want to want to perform?

It's something to really think about for me. I'm puzzled by it. Part of me has a very real desire to perform. Another part of me is trying to stifle that.

This semester I got the wonderful opportunity to play Sam Polk in Carlisle Floyd's Susannah. Sam is the leading tenor role in the show. That alone is a cool experience. However, I also got to perform with Sam Ramey, who is a world-famous opera singer. As if that wasn't enough, I got to work with the composer, Carlisle Floyd. Working with those two people was truly an invaluable experience. I don't really know how to express it. But I loved it. I really did. I hate admitting that, for whatever reason.

Thus far, I haven't really enjoyed doing operas at WSU for any reason other than the people that I do the shows with. I really dislike waiting on other people to learn music, learn the language, or memorize the text. I'm a quick study and I want to work with people that keep up. I didn't run into those issues with Susannah. There are a number of reasons for that. I only rehearsed with two other actors, playing the same character, and both are pretty professional. They got their crap together quickly, which encouraged me to do the same. The opera was in English so language wasn't as big an obstacle as it has been, although we had to lean to sing in the Appalachian dialect. Also, something about having a world-famous opera star present makes people step up their games. Who knew?

Every tells me I could perform if I wanted to. People tell me I can sing at the Met. They tell me I could sing at all the big opera houses in Europe. They say, because of the size of my voice, that I am able to sing repertoire only about 1% of the population can sing. I believe them. My beliefs also follow that God gifts us each differently, and for a specific purpose. By that belief, how can I ignore all these things? I know that musical ability doesn't mean you will perform. Lizzy has musical ability, but performing isn't anywhere close to her radar. My mom was a child prodigy, but performing wasn't what she was supposed to do. But I've gotten basically through my undergrad, and it is only becoming clearer that I can do it. God gave me a voice. God gave me ability. God keeps opening doors for me to perform. Why am I hesitant?

Marie (the director of opera here at WSU) asked me "Sean, is it because you are worried you won't find work? That's the only reason to not want to want it that I can think of. And let me tell you this: You will find work. There is no doubt about that". So, that's no longer a viable fear. I think I am scared to want something that isn't concrete. I don't know what a performing career looks like. It isn't stable. It is constantly changing. These are things that I, typically, am not a fan of. I don't like being away from family for long periods of time. I don't like unfamiliar environments. But I like performing. I hate admitting it, but I really do. I might even love it. It takes so much out of me, but I love it. I believe that love, that passion, was given to me so that I can pursue it. But man I don't want to.

Jeremiah 29:11 will tell me that God has incredible plans for me that will only lead to good. I trust that. But do I trust it enough to jump into something so terrifying? I think we all deal with this fear. I have dealt with it so many times. I'm going to end this post with something I wrote two years ago. It is insane to me that two years ago I was feeling similar things that I am feeling now. Things seem to cycle like that.

I’m standing at a precipice. Behind me is this life that I’ve always known, and always had. In front of me is an enormous plunge that, should I choose to take it, could totally change my life. I think it really comes down to a simple choice between two things:  fear and trust. For me, fear isn’t the opposite of bravery. It is the opposite of trust. The only time I am fearful is when I don’t have trust in the Lord. I love the Lord. I trust Him. So, why is it so hard to take this leap? Why is it so hard to choose utter and complete trust, and to let go of this life I’ve always known, and always had?

The thing is, only I know the answer to that. It’s not a thought that another human can supply me with. It has to come from within this brain God created for me. That’s the unfortunate part. I take note that the right choice isn’t ever easy. I’m reminded of those quotes that I read all through elementary school about how we should stand for what we believe in even if it means standing alone, and how the right choice isn’t always the popular choice. Trust is something many people struggle with. I believe that giving myself over to Him gives me life beyond my wildest imagination. I want that. I yearn for that.

All through my life, I have yearned to fly. I know it’s not currently a reality that will come true, but that doesn’t stop my heart from longing for that experience. If I leap from this precipice, I will fly. God has promised me that, in His own way. I pine for it. It is my heart’s truest desire. So, why can’t I get my feet off the ground? It’s quite frustrating. However, at least I’m at the edge now. Two years ago, I couldn’t even contemplate this time in my life; much less see where it might change. That’s progress. God has the pieces in place. I just need to put the king in checkmate.

I have the relationships, definitely. My friends build me up, they sharpen me, they challenge me, and we grow together. I love them. I love my family more than I ever knew that I would. I love my work, and my studies. It is so obviously what I want to be doing. So is this whole ministry, thing. My heart gets excited at the thought of my middle schoolers, or of working with the leaders, or even of that boys’ home! I want to do that so badly. I have to know, though, that I can’t TRULY lead until I give it all over to God. I’ve done it before on some level, but I need to take charge of my handing over the steering wheel; not that that makes any sense, but it really does. I need to make it happen. I need to give it all up.

Which will you choose:  fear or trust? Will you choose to fly? I will. I choose trust. I just need to leap. Leap from this platform, this precipice. The rest of my life and the whole world are over this cliff. It is all spread out before me for the taking. I just need to…jump.

Ready… Set…

Not a lot.

It's been a while. I promised Lara that I would have semi-regular blog posts now that I am back from Canada, but I whiffed hard on that one.

I haven't really had anything specific to write about, so I thought I'd just talk about life for a minute. This might be a shorter one.

Life has been hectic; school is absolutely insane. Music History 1 might kill me, but at least it is calming down. In 1.5 weeks, I had four tests (two for Music History) and a group project for music history. It was a little bit overwhelming to say the least. However, I pulled an 83 percent on my first MH test. I was thrilled. Considering I didn't do a whole lot of studying, and that is liable to be the hardest test of my undergrad, I am not mad at it. We were responsible for forty listening examples of pre-renaissance music. Awful. But I did it. I'm still waiting to get my written exam back. Who knows how that one went? I certainly don't.

The opera is going well. I don't have a ton to say about that. I am enjoying this rehearsal process much more than others, mostly because I don't have rehearsal very often and when I do have rehearsal, it isn't for very long. I am only in scenes with one other character. It's great. The music is really interesting. At first, I thought it was going to be miserable to learn, but that's mostly because I assume anything I can't sightread is going to be miserable to learn. I'm lazy... But, once I took it apart, I wrapped my head around it pretty quickly.

The director of opera wants me to clean a gun and sharpen a knife on stage. She said "I have no idea how to do that, though. Sam Ramey, do you know how? Ed (her husband), do you know how?" They both replied "no". I looked at her and said "Oh. Well, I mean, I know how to do both of those things." The looks I got were hysterical. You'd have thought I revealed I was actually a millionaire. It was promptly followed by a "huh?!" Awesome. I love being the atypical music major.

I think God gave my heart a rest after Malibu. The last few years entailed us working through a great deal of crap. However, I felt really content over the last month. Maybe it was because God knew I would be so busy adjusting to school. I'm not sure. But let me tell you, that resting period is over. Tonight I felt him go to work again. Not okay. I mean, it's way beyond okay. But it still sucks a little bit. I know that the end result is well worth the heartache and emotion now; I'm still not happy about it.

I have some of the best friends in the world. Seriously. I officially know what it is like to have someone stand up for me when it may not be the popular thing to do. I know what it is like to be missed. I know what it is like to have someone know all of my crap and just roll with it. I know what it is like to have people I admire be proud of me. Things are great. I wouldn't trade my friends for anything in the world.

Also, Aaron and I might be moving sometime this school year. We are thinking about moving into a house with two of our friends. We want a bigger place with multiple stories so that we can go to bed without feeling like we are still in the living room. And we found some really cool houses. I'm excited. I still haven't unpacked from the most recent move, so I'm in great shape, hahaha.

I love the two of you that read this blog. Seriously, haha. This one is surfacey, but that's okay. I'm sure there will be something on my heart so strongly that I have to blog about it soon.

Sometimes loving sucks.

My summer staff coordinator at Malibu told me that I'm safe. At first I was like "crap. I don't want to be safe. I want to be adventuresome and daring. I want to be a little wild". Then he went on to clarify. He said "Sean, I think you're safe. People feel safe with you. They are comfortable confiding in you. I think that you have heard things from people on our summer staff that no one else has, and that's an incredible gift." Hmm... Well... I guess I agree. People often tell me stuff about their lives. One of my favorite things in the world is listening to someone talk about his or her life. 

Part of the reason Malibu was such a wonderful experience was that I got to hear about so many lives. We all shared our respective lives with each other. From hearing a sort of overview, we had the opportunity to delve into each other's lives and go a little, or a lot, deeper with each other. Hearing the things a person struggles, or has struggled, with in life wasn't hard for me at Malibu. For one thing, I knew that they knew the Lord and really trusted His redemption of all things. I trust that, too. Because of that, this incredible trust was formed between people. We knew that these things had been made clean by His grace and that those things, whatever they were/are, do not define us anymore. And trust me, I heard some hard things. Sin is a very prevalent thing. The brokenness of the world is evident in our lives. It's a fact. However, and thank God for this, by Grace we have been saved. Because of grace these things do not matter anymore. We do not have to pay the price for that as someone already did that for us. I know these things to be true. So, why do I have such a hard time hearing about brokenness back home?

We had opera auditions Monday and Tuesday, and for my audition I sang an Aria from the opera Susannah (that's the one we're doing). The whole crux of the piece is "it must make the Good Lord sad". The opening line says "It's about the way people is made, I reckon, and how they like to believe what's bad. How short they are on lovin' kindness, it must make the Good Lord sad". In order to actually perform an aria well, you have to delve into the meaning of the text. What is that about the situation that makes me say these words? Why am I singing about something? What is it that makes the Good Lord sad? A line later says "Way out yonder somewheres the Lord's great heart must break at seein' how men treat one another and say they're doin' it all fer his sake". In exploring the emotional context of this aria, I was reminded of how screwed up life can get. And it breaks my heart. I can't shake it. 

I told Lizzy that people tend to hand me their brokenness. They open up and let me poke around a little bit, and then they just give it all to me. I love that. I love when someone says "Sean, I really am having a hard time with marijuana right now." or "Sean, I started drinking and I wanted you to hear it from me, And I'm having a hard time with girls, too". Or "Sean, I struggle with this, this, and this, but I don't really know what to do". Even if someone isn't coming to me specifically for help, I love it. I love/hate/love sharing my brokenness with others. It's important. However, literally my only desire when someone opens up to me is to heal it. I also know that I cannot do that. To truly desire the one thing that you cannot do really sucks. So, even knowing that I can't heal it, I still carry it with me like it is my burden and it just weighs on my heart. And I continue wishing that I could heal it. But I can't. I have never felt so human. 

I don't care what your brokenness is. Literally, I don't care. I love to hear about it. I love to pray for it. I love to love you through that brokenness. In fact, I think it makes me love you more. I wish you didn't have to carry it with you. I wish I could help you more than I am. I love that let me in. I wish you didn't run away from the Healer of all things. I wish you would turn back and run toward Him. I know that it's hard. I know that it's more fun to do these other things sometimes. I also know the greatest love that we can't even fathom and the life of joy that comes with that. And I know that I want you to know it, too.

I just can't help but smile

Holy cow. Canada was truly one of the best months of my life. I cannot handle how much I loved it. I was blessed with the best group I have ever worked with at a camp, in one of the most beautiful places, serving a God that I love and adore, doing something that I love. What could be better?

If you don't know, I was working in the kitchen. The majority of the people that worked with us I can really say are some of the best friends. We aren't necessarily best friends, but they are the best friends. They are just extremely high quality people, and they are great at being friends. Two of them that I want to talk about are Meredith and Cassidy. I became quite close with those two. Cass was the intern that I worked most closely with, and Meredith was on Summer Staff with me, but she was in the bakery.

Each week, Cass and I got to grill hamburgers for anywhere from 400-500 people. It quickly became our favorite time of the week. Week two, we decided to try and expedite the process by baking the burgers first and searing them on the grill. All that did was start a grease fire and give the grill its name: Katniss, the Grill on Fire. Even if the baking process had worked out, we decided that we had to grill them. It was the only time that Cass and I got to hang out just the two of us and still be working diligently. If you asked Cass what she liked about the time she would say "All we do is have really deep, intense heart talks, and cuss at each other. Or, rather, cuss at the grill" (I don't know what it is about grilling hamburgers and having your arm hair singed off that makes you cuss, but it does). She was absolutely right. We had very real talk while we were grilling hamburgers, and we discovered that we are very similar. Basically, Cass and I have the same brain and the same heart. The catch is that we have completely different personalities. But it kept it interesting. Also, because of Cassidy, I am confident that I can defend myself with any item in the Malibu Club kitchen. She would yell "defense" and two seconds later I was being accosted in some fashion or another. It certainly kept me on my toes.

One of my favorite parts about Cass is that, while she was an intern, she and I are the same age. In fact, I am a couple months older than her. While she was my leader, through the month she and I grew closer and closer to the middle ground, and eventually almost switched positions on things. We got to know each other well enough and respected each other enough that she was comfortable talking to me if she was having a tough time, and I was comfortable with the same. We become more of equals, while still maintaining our specific roles in the Young Life hierarchy. It was awesome. That friendship has continued since, and I love it.

I don't have as much to say about Meredith because words can't quite describe her. She is literally the happiest person I know, and because of that people around her are happier. She said that her favorite way to share Jesus is through her smile. No matter what. Even if she's crying, she's smiling a little bit. She told me that before she met me, while she was creeping on my Facebook, she told her twin sister "I'm going to be friends with him. I can tell". And boy was she right. She was the only person I cried for when leaving. Truly. And I cried. She just immediately became like a sister. There is something about people that bring each other joy that just sends a friendship through the roof. And she made everyone happy. It's just in her very being. She also has a really thick Texas accent, which made everything she said funny. Plus, it was just so endearing. Just awesome. I miss her.

Being around Cass and Meredith taught me about joy. I'm a decently happy person, but they really showed me what it was like to seek joy wherever you are. You can always find joy, you just have to be open to it. Since coming back, I have truly been a happier person. It's beautiful. There is no sense in worrying excessively about things. It detracts from your joy. Does that mean I will never worry? Oh Lord no. But I'm going to strive to work on today. I will worry about tomorrow when it comes. Today has enough of its own problems. The hardest part of that has to do with relationships. I always pick at them and try to find something that is wrong with my friendships. I need to not. I need to just love the time I get with people and be filled with joy that they give me. I would challenge you to seek joy always. I believe the Lord delights when we delight. And everyone loves to be happy. Plus, your chances of participating in Shenanigans sky rockets when you are seeking joy.

P.S. I reunited with my Mini Me after not seeing each other for 3 months. Talk about joy. I still can't handle it.

1 Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

2 Worship the Lord with gladness; 

come before him with joyful songs. 

3 Know that the Lord is God. 

It is he who made us, and we are his; 

we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. 

4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise; 

Give thanks to him and praise his name. 

5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; 

his faithfulness continues through all generations.

There isn't anything quite like a good book

Matt has ignited my obsessive tendencies... He got me hooked on a new musician (new to me), a new dumb game on my phone, and a book trilogy. He told me about all of these things, and I called Shenanigans every time. I'm hopeless. More than that, I am a sucker for fantasy. And let me tell you, this is fantasy. It's called Mistborn, and it involves having powers fueled by various metals. The really cool thing is that the author does a remarkable job of giving the powers limits. They are limited by nature, however, beyond that they are as unlimited as one's imagination. It is a wild concept that I am absolutely hooked on. There is political manipulation, magic, a budding romance, plot twists galore, an unassuming scrawny main character that of course turns out to be super bad ass. Yet, beyond all that, there is an element that really, really resonates with me.

Without delving into the actual story line, I'll discuss what I mean (I really think you should go read this the next time you need a good fantasy). The main character has an immense amount of trust issues. She believes that everyone will eventually betray, use, or hurt her in some way. Hello, darkness my old friend. The majority of you reading this did not know me in high school, but mistrust was the flag I waved. I had some not so hot friendships early on, plus a not so hot relationship with my father, which made even less hot friendships with guys specifically. I had a long-term ticket on the struggle bus. I didn't trust most people. There were a couple friends that wormed their way in, and a couple that had me fooled and really burned me. But that is life. And man, once I read those issues in this book, I immediately put the book down and didn't touch it for a week. But Matt kept mentioning Mistborn, and I did purchase it, so I finally just gave in and went to town. Mostly so I could have something to discuss with Matt. We definitely struggle with conversation... (Note that if there was a sarcasm font, I would have used it just then).

Well, despite being a great read, there was a quote that really stuck out to me. As you can imagine, through the course of the story, many of those trust issues began to resolve. This quote hit me in the face:

"Well, that's kind of what trust is, isn't it? A willful self-delusion? You have to shut out that voice that whispers about betrayal, and just hope that your friends aren't going to hurt you."

Hmmm.... If you have ever struggled with trust issues like I have, you might know what I am about to say. It isn't that simple, and yet it really is. At some point, you have to decide that people do care, or that people aren't just using you. I always tell people that my friend Kyle convinced me to trust people again. That's not true. He proved to me that he cared, and I decided to listen to that instead of the the voice that whispers about betrayal. In the end, I had to make that choice. It was, actually is, one of the hardest decisions for me. It's really easy to mistrust people and rely on yourself, because it is safe. I would think "I won't hurt myself. If I don't let anyone in and only rely on myself, then I won't get hurt." I say it is one of the hardest decisions for me because, on some level, I have to decide that every day. Old habits die hard, and our inner demons are relentless. Sometimes, I want to just rely on myself. I want to say "Sorry, Lizzy" or Meredith, or Aaron, or whomever. But the reality is that I am not saving myself. In fact, I am only hurting myself. We are designed to be relational people. Don't believe in God? That's fine. But you have to acknowledge that whether by Grand Design, or mere happenstance, people need each other. We need relationships. I can't speak for everyone when I say this, but I know that I am happiest when I am sharing a moment with a friend. That moment can be anything. My personal favorite is when you're sharing one of those gifts you have been given with another person. 

My high schoolers (you knew they would come up eventually) prove to me that people need each other all the time. The fact that they want a relationship with a non-athletic, long-haired, bearded college senior (AHHH) can only be fueled by a need for relationship. The kid I tutor is not dumb by any means. Maybe he's unmotivated, but let me tell you, the minute someone took time and invested in his progress, he changed immensely. He just needed to have someone willing to go through the experience with him. I'm terrified of needles. I made Schnelly go with me to get a shot once, and despite her adamant refusal to hold my hand, having a person there experiencing it with me made it better. Plus, now I can twist that into how terrible and mean she is to me :-)

I can't say that I will never be distrustful again, because chances are I will wake up tomorrow distrustful. I can't say that I won't push someone away because of it. But I can say that ignoring the whispers of betrayal is so worth it. Each of you reading this, at least the ones I have told about it, have experienced something with me. Maybe it was day 7 at Trail West. Maybe it was 7 years of putting up with each other. Maybe it is being twins, or major/mini me, or roommates. I don't know what it is you are thinking of, but I need you to know that I am grateful. I am grateful for your constant love and support. I am grateful for the times we drive each other crazy. I am grateful for the Shenanigans we uncover. I am grateful.

The Soap Box of a 70 Year Old

There's something very comforting in knowing that you can work through an issue with a friend, however big or small the issue may be. 

I leave for Italy in 2 weeks. 2 weeks from right now, I will be either on an airplane or in Athens, Greece. I'm mildly terrified, but I think I've resigned to the fact that I'm going. I'm starting to get a little excited for my five weeks in Europe. Followed by a week at home, and 5 weeks in Canada. This summer is going to be the craziest of my life.

I don't know why I'm surprised that I start becoming close to new people just in time to leave for three months. Or why I'm surprised that I start discussing the prospect of dating someone (kind of joking, but definitely kind of not) just before I leave for three months. I definitely don't know why I'm surprised when things are completely okay after a slight bump in the road of friendship. Whatever. I give up.

Remember the Young Life kid I'm tutoring? He is killing it. I am so proud of him. His dad told me that it's looking like the kid will get to go to camp this summer. Heck. Yes. I already liked this kid a lot. In fact, he was the very first kid I met almost three years ago when I started Young Life in Wichita. We have definitely gotten a lot closer because of this tutoring experience. He has really shown me the importance of having someone believe in you. He has taught me what it means to fulfill a need for someone I care about. And he has definitely affirmed my desire to teach. I swear, if I can get this kid to enjoy studying vocab, then I can teach anyone how to sing. Fact. I went to his house last week to encourage him to start a project. He pulls up his computer and shows me that he is already seventy percent done on the project. It blew my mind. I think he just needed someone to care and to take a little time. He's doing all the work. It makes my job so easy.

Dr. Crum has this uncanny ability to always be right, always be sassy, and teach me more about life and faith than I ever would have expected. She tells me exactly how it is, to the point of it being really hard to take some days. But I know she loves me, even when she is telling me I'm a lazy student (she's right. always). When I finally agreed to go to Italy this summer, she said "Oh good! I can have my husband meet me over there, and we can work on this while we are there and this and that and this and that." and went on for a couple minutes. And then she stopped and said "I mean, that's if you're okay with my going". I looked at her and said "Dotty, I wouldn't have it any other way" for which I got a lot of grief, because she hates "Dotty". Ever read the poem "Our Deepest Fear"?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The other day in our lesson, she was telling me something about needing to live up to my full potential, and basically summarized this poem without meaning to. I love this part "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world." How more cut and dry can it be? We are gifted with various things for a reason. This is why I don't relate to the insecurity that follows many singers. I don't care what anyone else is capable of, in that it has absolutely zero bearing on what I am capable of doing. I know that I have my own instrument, and I have something that offer that no one else has. Everyone has something unique to offer. God gives us gifts because He wants us to use them. That gift could be teaching, singing, something athletic, writing, engineering, sewing, the list goes on and on. I think our culture makes it difficult to identify what we are bad at, and inversely what we are good at. We are of the "consolation prize" society. "Good try. Just because you participated, here is a prize". I think that cheapens success, and it can mute the encouragement of loss. In our culture, it is frowned upon to be great at something, or at least to share it. If a person talks about what they are great it, they are classified as arrogant. Humility, to us, is in not discussing our strengths. I think humility is identifying where your strengths come from, and giving credit where credit is due. You can share your gifts without bragging. And using our gifts, sharing our gifts, is what it is all about. What good is your voice if you don't speak? I have had a lot of hesitation about this trip to Italy, and Dr. Crum said "Sean, God has provided this opportunity for you. He has given you this voice, and people will be drawn to you because of it. So dammit, use it! You don't have to be a performer, but you should definitely grow your gifts to its full potential, and you should share that with people when you have the opportunity". 

When I first started typing this post, to be quite honest, I wasn't sure which direction I wanted to take. I honestly thought it would be a post about friendships. Turns out I was wrong. Although, friendships can exemplify gifts. I have been blessed with friends that support me in my gifts. I have been blessed with friends that participate in my gifts with me. Accompanying for my friends is one of my all time favorite things. Something about being in that support position, and creating together, just gets me. Listening to a friend can be a gift, not only to them, but also a gift that God has given. Some people are bad listeners. It is a fact. To be frank, figuring out your gift can be difficult. I've been fortunate enough to know that I wanted to teach music since I was in first grade. Sometimes figuring out what your gift is in fine, but knowing what you want to do with that is the tricky part. But life cannot happen without experiences. Gifts cannot be uncovered without experiencing the world. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

I love that. I encourage you, friends, to make manifest the glory of God that is within you. But, Sean, I don't know what it is. Well, find out. Explore the world. Volunteer. Start a rebellion. Backpack through Europe. Take a road trip. Hug a friend. Let a friend love you. Cross something off your bucket list. Sing a song. Dance. And most of all, have yourself some Shenanigans.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate

Life never stops moving. That is a reality I am being forced to acknowledge more than I would like to. I only have three days of classes left in this semester. That absolutely blows my mind. Three weeks from right now, I will be in Athens, Greece, anticipating travel through Greece and Italy, and a month in Lucca, Italy. Where the heck did the time go?

Yesterday, I gave a recital at my church as a fundraiser for Italy. They took a love offering for me. People were definitely not required to donate. However, most did. The members of my church donated $1,000 to my trip. I am still in shock. Completely overwhelmed doesn't quite describe the feeling. Lately, I have been in awe of God's providence. I always tell people that God provides us with what we need most, and recently it has just been really apparent to me. My job at Grace Presbyterian, for instance, was too much of a coincidence for it not to have been designed. I met a guy through Young Life that told me about the job. I ignored it. Four months later, the job was still available. Here's the thing: piano jobs do not stay open in Wichita. They fill up in a hurry. However, it remained. I decided that I should pay attention. I auditioned and got the job as choir accompanist. Only then they found out I can sing. And then they needed a piano player for the band. And then the tenor soloist left, so they needed another one. But, why hire another when your accompanist happens to be a tenor? Grace Presbyterian has been a family for me, and I have been able to fill many needs for them. I am so blessed by that church. I cannot express the joy I receive from being there. It saddens me to be away the entire summer.

I have to tell you about Bridget. Bridget is my accompanist at school, but more than that she is one of my best friends. If you were to ask me to list my closest friends, my 68 year voice teacher would be listed, as well as my 40 year old accompanist. Originally, I had a different accompanist, but then the schedules didn't match up, so I called Bridget. I am so glad the schedules didn't match up. Bridget and I gossip like teenage girls. We talk about the very real life struggles we have. We laugh until we cry. And sometimes, we just cry a little bit. She is a phenomenal talent, and just an incredible person. On my recital, we performed a song called I Once Knew from Edges. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfVFvCGVmus I have to say, it was the most emotional performance I have ever been a part of. We knew it would be. Performing a piece that moves you and everyone around you is a very unique experience. It is one that is made even more special when you are able to feel those emotions with your fellow performer. Bridget and I know that it gets to each of us. We haven't discussed it, but I somehow feel "safer" exploring that emotional content knowing that Bridget is exploring it with me. If I had my original accompanist, I don't know what that would have been like. But God definitely provided me with the right friend in Bridget.

The reason I Once Knew gets to me is because it is a son singing to his mom. http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/edgesasongcycle/ionceknew.htm

Those are the lyrics. My mom might not like me writing this, but she was depressed for a good chunk of time when I was younger. And my dad wasn't a particularly good husband or father. The lyrics talk about a woman who wasn't scared to be challenged, a woman who could wipe away anyone's tears, a woman who had a laugh just like thunder, and a woman who saw all my moments, who taught me to sing and to stand up for myself. My mom is all of those things. Recently, she and I had to work through some issues pertaining to her having been depressed, and how my life might be different if she hadn't been depressed. My mother is the strongest person I know. She has always been there for me, and she never gives up. Sometimes, she is scared. Sometimes she has a hard time understanding why people are the way they are, just like I do. She always keeps going. She always reminds me of who I am and what I stand for (Matt, next time you ask me, I might have an answer). She is always comforting. When I was a sophomore in high school, she had cancer. She almost died while undergoing treatment. I walked into the ICU to see my mom hooked up to all these machines, barely conscious, on a diet of ice chips. She took my hand and told me that it was going to be okay. That pretty much sums her up. So, naturally, that song resonates with me. "Everything is fine, Mom, you can't be afraid". I sang that line, let a bit of silence in, heard my mom sob, and just about lost it. But we got through it. Sometimes, I think my mother has had to be too strong. But the bottom line is that I wouldn't be the same person if life had gone differently. God knew what He was doing.

I have the best friends in the world. I can talk to them about anything, and I usually do just that. Lizzy and I are able to talk about our fears, our loves, and everything in between. I am so appreciative of her. She and I have been friends for almost seven years, now. That is the longest, close friendship that I have had. Meredith keeps me on my toes. She's not afraid to ask me the hard questions that always make me think. And she's not afraid to do stupid stuff with me, or to me, depending on the situation. When I reflect on these friendships, I am blown away with the timing of them. Lizzy and I became friends just as we were really starting to develop our own senses of faith. Sometimes, I thought she was crazy. Usually, she was right (you better bookmark this one, Lizzy. You won't hear it again). Regardless, she shaped me, and always encourages me in my walk. She always keeps me fresh on my macaroni and cheese recipe. And the vegetables game. Meredith came into my life just in time for me to do some healing, which she played an integral part in. Similarly, Aaron showed up right when I really needed that best friend. I have been provided with these beautiful relationships just when I need them. Matt and I have really gotten close this semester. It's fun seeing him go through things that I went through. And trust me, I went through them. He's my Mini Me. We don't use that term lightly. But just as I feel like I'm supposed to be older and wiser, I learn from him. It is a blast to be able to share joy with someone. That is something I experience with all my friends. It is simply very prevalent with Matt because we spend an unhealthy amount of time together in classes, our quartet, writing music, and then just hanging out to hang out. And he came into my life right when I needed it. Those of you on Summer Staff, I count you as well. You all taught me so much. My favorite thing about these friendships is the ability to be honest with each other. And the ability to laugh. I have laughed until I cried with each of you. Except Matt and Lizzy. They are not funny at all. Fortunately, I make up for it.

As I get ready to leave the country for three months, I realize that I am terrified. I am scared that things will change. In fact, I know they will. I also know that my friendships won't change. But there's still a little fear. I think the biggest fear that I have is that someone will need me when I am gone. I fear that someone will pass away, or someone will get hurt, or just need me, and I won't be able to be there. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. True. And while I agree with the rest of the poem on some level, my greatest fear right now is not being able to be there for someone. I think I Once Knew resonates so much with me because I need to hear it. Sometimes, I need that reminder that everything is fine, and that I can't be afraid. I have to keep laughing with a laugh like thunder. I have to keep pouring love into people, even when the people that pour love into me are thousands of miles away.

Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you Hope and a Future'". I have always tried to trust that. This is NOT the time to stop that, however tempting it might be. I think my fear is reason enough for me to go. I'm sure Greece, Italy, and eventually Canada will be filled with Shenanigans. As Dr. Crum told me when I was expressing my fear of leaving my friends: we will certainly have a lot to catch up on upon my return. And what a return it will be...DIRECTLY in to school. Typical. Who would want a break? Oh yeah... me. Too bad. Life never slows down. You might as well jump in, or you might miss it.