Sometimes loving sucks.

My summer staff coordinator at Malibu told me that I'm safe. At first I was like "crap. I don't want to be safe. I want to be adventuresome and daring. I want to be a little wild". Then he went on to clarify. He said "Sean, I think you're safe. People feel safe with you. They are comfortable confiding in you. I think that you have heard things from people on our summer staff that no one else has, and that's an incredible gift." Hmm... Well... I guess I agree. People often tell me stuff about their lives. One of my favorite things in the world is listening to someone talk about his or her life. 

Part of the reason Malibu was such a wonderful experience was that I got to hear about so many lives. We all shared our respective lives with each other. From hearing a sort of overview, we had the opportunity to delve into each other's lives and go a little, or a lot, deeper with each other. Hearing the things a person struggles, or has struggled, with in life wasn't hard for me at Malibu. For one thing, I knew that they knew the Lord and really trusted His redemption of all things. I trust that, too. Because of that, this incredible trust was formed between people. We knew that these things had been made clean by His grace and that those things, whatever they were/are, do not define us anymore. And trust me, I heard some hard things. Sin is a very prevalent thing. The brokenness of the world is evident in our lives. It's a fact. However, and thank God for this, by Grace we have been saved. Because of grace these things do not matter anymore. We do not have to pay the price for that as someone already did that for us. I know these things to be true. So, why do I have such a hard time hearing about brokenness back home?

We had opera auditions Monday and Tuesday, and for my audition I sang an Aria from the opera Susannah (that's the one we're doing). The whole crux of the piece is "it must make the Good Lord sad". The opening line says "It's about the way people is made, I reckon, and how they like to believe what's bad. How short they are on lovin' kindness, it must make the Good Lord sad". In order to actually perform an aria well, you have to delve into the meaning of the text. What is that about the situation that makes me say these words? Why am I singing about something? What is it that makes the Good Lord sad? A line later says "Way out yonder somewheres the Lord's great heart must break at seein' how men treat one another and say they're doin' it all fer his sake". In exploring the emotional context of this aria, I was reminded of how screwed up life can get. And it breaks my heart. I can't shake it. 

I told Lizzy that people tend to hand me their brokenness. They open up and let me poke around a little bit, and then they just give it all to me. I love that. I love when someone says "Sean, I really am having a hard time with marijuana right now." or "Sean, I started drinking and I wanted you to hear it from me, And I'm having a hard time with girls, too". Or "Sean, I struggle with this, this, and this, but I don't really know what to do". Even if someone isn't coming to me specifically for help, I love it. I love/hate/love sharing my brokenness with others. It's important. However, literally my only desire when someone opens up to me is to heal it. I also know that I cannot do that. To truly desire the one thing that you cannot do really sucks. So, even knowing that I can't heal it, I still carry it with me like it is my burden and it just weighs on my heart. And I continue wishing that I could heal it. But I can't. I have never felt so human. 

I don't care what your brokenness is. Literally, I don't care. I love to hear about it. I love to pray for it. I love to love you through that brokenness. In fact, I think it makes me love you more. I wish you didn't have to carry it with you. I wish I could help you more than I am. I love that let me in. I wish you didn't run away from the Healer of all things. I wish you would turn back and run toward Him. I know that it's hard. I know that it's more fun to do these other things sometimes. I also know the greatest love that we can't even fathom and the life of joy that comes with that. And I know that I want you to know it, too.