Oh, the Places You'll Go: Pendleton, OR

I honestly had never heard of Pendleton, OR, so I obviously did not suspect that I would ever be staying the night there. But there I was, on a hotel bed with one Jasper Gerhardt on the other bed, trying to figure out what had just happened. What on earth was that day about?  Why were we stuck in Pendleton, OR instead of visiting Justin in Baker City? Why did the car break down while the two of us were driving it across central OR? Why was it on a Sunday when no mechanic shops were open? Why couldn't we have just gone a little further and meet Justin in La Grande? Why aren't I that upset?

I'm sure there were other questions. yet those are the ones that come to mind as I am writing this a couple days later. Now, I'll just get on with the story you all know is coming.

I've been in Oregon with Jasper since the 26th. The 27th, we got up and left the house at 7 a.m. to go see our friend Justin in Baker City. Probably about a four hour drive or so. Well, we were there was some snowy roads, so we were taking it easy, but still making decent time. After maybe 150 miles or so, the RPMs kept spazzing out on us, and lights were flashing on the dashboard. We pulled over, exploring various options. When Jasper opened the hood, I said "this ends my knowledge of how to fix the car". It's true. So, we poked around, Jasper called his parents, and we ended up checking the transmission fluid. There was zero fluid on the dipstick. Turns out we had a leak. That's okay, we will call triple A and get towed to Hermiston where it can't be that hard to fix. So, Jasper walked a ways down the highway to figure out where we were exactly, and the tow truck was on his way. Dave came to save the day, driving us to Hermiston with the car in tow. Only, then he gave us some tough news: All the mechanic shops in Hermiston are closed because it was Sunday.

Enter creative Sean and Jasper. We were dropped off in a mechanic's lot at First and Elm, right across the street from the Wal-Mart with very little hope. After some thinking, we thought we should check with Wal-Mart, so we walked over there and asked if they thought they could help us even though it was out of the realm of "lube and tire" service. They said yes, and hope was kindled once again! We just had to get the car across the street to Wal-Mart. Calling Triple A was a possibility, but did we do that? Of course not. It's just one major street that only takes 11.45 seconds to walk across so surely we can simply push the car across the street. We were poised and ready to do so. I mean, we had the timing of the lights down, we knew approximately how long it would take us, I was prepared to push like I'd never pushed before, and then a truck stops and offers to help. Turns out the guy is a mechanic of sorts, and he quickly assessed the issue: There was a cut in one of the transmission hoses. Wal-Mart could no longer help us. We were a little put out. We called Jasper's mom and she told us we probably needed to get a hotel in Hermiston for the night. Neither of us had any desire to do that. There's no way that our epic trip to visit Justin could end this way.

After trying to think in the car, I suggested we find wifi so I could be somewhat helpful in finding a hotel at least. Eventually, we walked into a starbucks, dejected, and went to work. However, I then thought of searching for mechanics is nearby towns and things like that. No luck. Back to hotels. However, once again determined not to be bested, we discovered the brilliant plan of getting towed to La Grande, and having Justin meet us. The game was on. We called triple A, it was all set, and then they asked our location. I told them we were in the parking lot of a mechanic's shop in Hermiston, and they told us they couldn't tow us. "We can't tow out of a mechanic's shop." "even if I haven't had any correspondence with the mechanic?" "Yeah, we would need some kind of verification" "Can you tow me if I get the car out of this parking lot?" "Yes" "okay, I'll call back". So I jumped out, Jasper steered, and we pushed that car about 500 feet into the next parking lot over, called back, they said someone would do it, and we were set. We went to Subway with a spring in our steps, ate lunch, got a call from triple A saying it would be 2.5 hours until they got to us but that was okay because we were going to Justin! We decided to walk back to the car after eating and after approximately 45 minutes had passed. As we were preparing to cross the street, our buddy Dave from D & R towing in Hermiston was already there getting the car ready to go! We climbed (literally climbed) into the cab and waited for the same driver as before to climb in with us. Off we went in good spirits and a little bit of excitement! Until Dave the driver told us that we might not be able to get through the pass to La Grande, but he would investigate. Investigation occurred, and he determined that it would not be wise, so he took us as far as Pendleton, and left us there.

At this point in the story, I think neither Jasper nor I had any care left. We were just accepting of our circumstances and doing whatever we could to make it through. We googled hotels nearby, settled on the Knight's Inn and walked about a mile in pretty good spirits. I think we were just happy to have a conclusion for the day and to be done trying. We ate dinner at the Rainbow Cafe and called it a night.

The next day, Jasper got up early and went down to the mechanic shop to find out that they could get us in early. They proceeded to do so, and then we were on our way back to Madras. Because this post is getting lengthy, I'm going to write a second one about the redeeming qualities of this trip. Jasper and I have had some really cool experiences together, this trip is actually among them. 

Abba's Child

I've been reading this book "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning. I've had the book for years, tried to read it from time to time, and finally committed to it this summer. I don't read it often, largely because it takes me a bit to process the content. Sometimes I can read a page or two and have to put it down, while other times I can read a full chapter or two. This book has taught me to look at some things from a new perspective, challenged me, and confirmed some ideas that I've felt in my heart, but never verbalized. I want to share a couple passages. The chapter comparing the inner pharisee in us who carefully calculates all his actions, is judgmental, puts on face in order to filter what the world sees, tries to hold others to the standard of the law, etc. The child is honest, open, and simply exists. There is not facade. There is only genuine sincerity in all he does and feels.

"The child spontaneously expresses emotions; the pharisee carefully represses them...John Powell once said with sadness that as an epitaph for his parents' tombstone he would have been compelled to write: "Here lie two people who never knew one another." His father could never share his feelings, so his mother never got to know him. To open yourself to another person, to stop lying about your loneliness and your fears, to be honest about your affections, and to tell others how much they mean to you -- this openness is the triumph of the child over the pharisee and a sign of the dynamic presence of the Holy Spirit. "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17)

To ignore, repress, or dismiss our feelings is to fail to listen to the stirrings of the Spirit within our emotional life....

Emotions are our most direct reaction to our perception of ourselves and the world around us. Whether positive or negative, feelings put us in touch with our true selves. They are neither good nor bad: They are simply the truth of what is going on within us. What we do with our feelings will determine whether we live lives of honesty or of deceit. When submitted to the discretion of a faith-formed intellect, our emotions serve as trustworthy beacons for appropriate action or inaction. The denial, displacement, and repression of feelings thwarts self-intimacy."

I just love these passages. I read them for the first time, almost dropped the book, and had to re-read them a couple times. These passages articulated my heart. I've always been a hot mess of emotion, and I've apologized for that thinking I shouldn't be that way. However, in the last couple of years I have believed that we feel things for a reason. There isn't any connotation there, it is simply how we are reacting, and that reaction must be experienced. I love it. And when you are comfortable enough to share these inner longings of your heart, or the way your heart hurts or loves or feels, genuine friendship can be attained. It's an incredible experience. I've been fortunate enough to experience that mutual trust and honesty with friends, and I'm better for it. There are times when it is the scariest, hardest thing that you have ever done, but I promise it is worth it. 

Over the summer, Jasper (my best friend at the ranch) ran into emotional Sean a lot. He would worry, but I'd just tell him "Jasper, I have to feel this out. Yes, I'm mad. Let me be mad. I won't be mad for long, but I have to experience the emotion." Eventually Jasper and I got to a place where he knew. He knew when to hug me, he knew when to let me blow of steam, and he knew when to push me to open up. Because of that trust, I was able to tell him when something had hurt me that was related to him, and we were able to move through it. And then he shared the same things. I could share my insecurities with him, and he could share his troubles with me. That kind of friendship lends itself to complete comfort with one another, and just the highest quality of relationship. I want everyone to know that. I know that insecurity can be debilitating, and the most terrifying thing. My prayer is that each person knows this genuine love and friendship with at least one other. You will be happier for it, I guarantee. 

The Return "Home"

This is something I feel I have been avoiding. The reasoning behind that is uncertain to me, so I have no clue how I might explain it in writing. Even as this page loaded and I saw the blank space before me, waiting to be filled with me thoughts, I was overcome with a strong emotion, the likes of which I can't explain (I'm sensing a theme). I think I have probably been in denial about my return home. While yes, I have physically been here, and mentally, my heart is still back in Oregon. Facing that is difficult for me, and isn't something that I particularly want to do. I've know this is the case, but I haven't actually processed it. All things in due time, I suppose.

My experiences out at Washington Family Ranch absolutely changed my life. I learned the capacity of my heart, the humanness of emotion, and the limitations of Sean. Friendships blossomed, my heart healed, my will was challenged, and my faith grew. My heart broke at least four times, I felt so alone, and I experienced frustration and defeat to a degree that I have never before seen. People loved me more than I thought they could, and I loved them. Multiple families took me in faster than I thought possible. Oh, and I also cooked meals for five hundred people daily, led a crew of volunteers, and ran a kitchen. Then I drove back half-way across the country with a dear, dear friend, slept in a miserably hot hotel room, visited a college, saw old friends, and returned to Wichita. 

Before I went to Oregon, I absolutely called Wichita "home". However, now it feels strange. "Home" cannot possibly feel like what I've been feeling. Now, this isn't to say that I haven't been happy. I have been thrilled to see everyone, work with them, live with them, etc, but how can this be home when my heart is in the Pacific Northwest? How am I to love all these people with whom I didn't speak for 3.5 months? I feel so "out of the loop". So much can change in that length of time, and so much did change in that length of time. I know that while I was growing and changing, so were my friends. Explaining the differences in me seems an impossible task, and understanding the changes in my friends - how their experiences shaped them this summer when I wasn't here to experience with them - seems to be the same. Right now, Antelope, OR with some of my best friends in the world feels way more like home than Wichita does. I've absolutely been scared to face this. Writing it down means I'm processing it, and that is what I have been running to avoid. I don't want to realize how much my heart aches. I don't want to long for that place and those people. I don't want to have to get to know my best friends here in Wichita all over again, but that's almost what it seems like I have to do. I don't want to observe the grief of a broken heart that is simultaneously filled with joy of a return to a once-loved place.

More than anything, I want to be back in that God-forsaken bunk-bed having Pillow Talk with Justin and Swan, or listening to Jasper recite poetry to us. I want to play piano with Jasper. I want to quote Madea with Tayler while doing our best to feed so many people. I want to lean on Justin when my heart hurts. I want to stay up late talking about life with Kristin. I want Emily to yell my name across the kitchen in the way only she ever did. I want to hear Coleen's and Becca's hearts and have them hear mine. I want to work for ten hours in a kitchen with college kids I've never met but love dearly. I want to be present in Wichita. I want to practice diligently and continue learning to sing. I want to serve the students I accompany well. I want to love my best friends. I want to dive into community with my roommates. I want to help lead a music ministry at church. But man, this is difficult. I feel like I'm putting on face, but I don't know how to not. I told a dear friend "sometimes getting through is all you can do. It doesn't have to look pretty, in fact it probably won't, but at least you got through it". Well, time to eat my own words. I have to get through and know that this, too, shall pass. There's reasoning behind all of it. 

This summer changed my life. I want to go back, and hopefully I will be back there at some point. But for now I need to be "home". I'm blessed by a great community of people here in Wichita. I have a mentor, I have three roommates who keep me on my toes, jobs that I love, a great voice teacher, wonderful friends, a loving family near by, a piano, a guitar, a church, and so many things beyond these. We just have to get to know each other again. I'm different, all those things are different, so it's time to own that, dive into differences, and see how they compliment each other. I know they will. I trust that Jesus has His hand on all of it. I just have to choose to see it.

Week 1 of Summer Camp

Summer camping is in full swing! We closed our first week of camp today. So, with that comes our long-term volunteers!! I have four summer staffers on the PM shift. I love them so stinkin' much. Truly. They are incredible. Their names are Rachel, Lindsay, Corey, and Joel.

Rachel is a super sweet person who is really easily overwhelmed. She isn't sure she can't handle anything, but she really can. She's intelligent, a good worker, and just sincere. The strangest things make her laugh, which in turn makes me laugh. Lindsay is a champ. She's a really hard worker, she's quick and very thorough. She's the baby, having just graduated high school. Her laugh is really loud and infectious. I know that I can count on her for any job and she isn't afraid to get her hands dirty. Corey is a really interesting person. He had a stroke when he was 9 months old, and so he has limited use of his right hand. Fortunately, he has a good work ethic and makes up for it. It isn't something I even notice half the time. I frequently tell him he's a sassafras because of all that sass. He's hilarious, though. It isn't the blatant sass. He just has really sassy facial expressions. We laugh a lot because of Corey. Then there's Joel. Joel has a sweet, sincere heart that really shows....when he isn't flirting with all the girls. And he is fast in the kitchen. Man. I know I can give him a job and have it done quickly and done well. He has already started telling me bits and pieces about his life, and I love getting to know him. He's really touchy. I can always count on at least five hugs per shift from Joel. We have a good time. He's my grill-buddy for grilling pineapple. I really love them all so much already. If any of them needed something, I would go running. Truly.

As the PM intern, my days start around 10:30 or 11. I get done anywhere from 8:30 to 11:30. There are some 12 hour days, but at the end of the day I am always in a good mood. My crew and I close each day out with some highlights and areas of improvement, followed by praying. It's just great to do that with each other. I love that time with them. My one responsibility as far as the food goes is dinner. I'm in charge of all dinners. If the AM shift needs help with lunch, we'll jump in and help them with that as soon as we get in there, but if not then we just start on dinner.

Day 1: Tri-tip beef, Garlic Mashed Potatoes, Salad, Rolls, and Dirt'n'Worms for dessert
Day 2: Spaghetti with meat sauce, Caesar salad, garlic bread sticks, and Trainwreck (big brownie fresh out of the oven with ice cream on top) for dessert
Day 3: Enchiladas, Santa Fe salad, Cilantro Lime Rice, Mexican Chocolate cupcakes for dessert
Day 4: Luau dinner! Polynesian Pulled Pork, Coconut Rice, Mango Salsa, Rolls, Mandarin Orange Salad, and Pineapple Coconut cake for dessert.
Day 5: It varies. We don't have campers, so I'm just cooking for the Volunteer Team.

That's all I have for now. I don't spend tons of the time with the interns right now. We are all busy with our jobs, and my job keeps me late. But it's good. It just makes me cherish the time with them that I do get.

P.S. The Camp Musician can SING. Her name is Claire Beck. Man. She's awesome.

Community

This place, and these people, have stolen my heart. I feel kind of silly having grown to love this all so much in such a short time, but it is the state of things. 

I've worked two weekends in the kitchen thus far. Weekends are the important parts, as that is when we have groups in camp during the off-season. The first weekend I had only two work crew beneath me, and they captured my affection, too. That was such a difficult weekend. We had SO MUCH work to do and not the hands to do it. My other interns saved me on a couple different occasions. I am so blessed by my team. Truly. Anyway, the work was hard, but we pulled it off. This last weekend, I had five people on my shift, and not enough work. It was awesome. It was pretty low-key, and we were able to just enjoy what we were doing rather than run frantically around. 

This intern community is still wonderful. We continue to grow closer each day. We have an awesome group of guys. Three of us are pretty affectionate people. As Jasper, one of the kitchen interns, put it "I had know idea guys were so touchy-feely until I met you, Swan, and Justin". It's a lot of fun. Though three of us are similar in that aspect, we are all so different, and I think that's why it works. Jasper and I have gotten to know each other especially well. We work together, so that helps. Plus, I'm not afraid to dig around and ask questions. He isn't the most forthright with information, but if you ask the right questions then he will get talking. It's cool to hear glimpses of the lives of the interns. I'm able to understand them so much more and it helps me figure out how to best love them, ya know? Jasper told me that he hasn't met someone who is so interested in knowing people the way that I want to know people. I took it as a compliment. 

Justin is also one with whom I have bonded well. We are like-hearted individuals. He is going through some stuff right now that hits home with me. It's wonderful to have each other to bounce ideas off of and discuss what we are going through.

I'm just so excited for this summer as it continues. I'm excited for more adventures with the interns. We went to one of the highest places on property for sunset one night. Today three of us drove to Bend, OR for some bro-time and to buy some things that we needed. Two hours of driving one way lends itself to getting to know each other really well. There are lots of shenanigans around the ranch, as well, specifically in the intern housing. Jasper takes a lot of crap from Swan and Justin. They all three take turns telling each other bedtime stories, hahaha. It's hilarious. I'm just grateful for this opportunity to love one another and learn to be vulnerable. It's something that I sometimes struggle with, but it just gets easier.

Sunset from the Firetower

Lastly, I'd be okay with seeing my best friends from home. I don't miss home, and I'm beyond happy here, but it'd be cool if I could have the best of both worlds. Is that just too much to ask? I suppose so. I'll take what I can get :-) There's a plan in all of this. Of that I am confident.

This is My Domain

I believe that the kitchen is one of the holiest places at camp. When I walk in there, I just feel it. I absolutely love what I get to do in that place. It's hard work, and no one in his right mind wants to do that work, but for whatever reason, there isn't a place that I would rather be. In the kitchen, you are forced to rely on one another. One person, two people, even four people, cannot feed 500 campers three times a day, at least not well. We have to ask for help, and look for ways to serve each other. When you get passed any pride around that, and just allow yourself to serve and be served, the community that builds around that is remarkable. I learned so much about that at Malibu last summer. That experience really taught me so much, and is largely the reason that I'm here now.

This morning I set foot into the kitchen for the first time. The other interns saw how I visibly changed. I just got so excited! All I want to do is get in there and work with my summer staff! One of the interns, Emily, said to me "I love to see how much you love it here. You know this is where you're supposed to be, and that's awesome." I hadn't thought about it, but she is right. It is where I'm supposed to be, and I feel that in my bones. We, in the kitchen, have the unique opportunity to serve literally every person on this property multiple times per day. Everyone has to eat, and we provide those meals for them. We are behind the scenes, and it is certainly not the most glorifying job, but it can be so gratifying. Knowing that a meal has gone well, that everyone is fed, and that we prepared delicious, filling food is the best. The cheers when the meal comes out, and knowing that those campers are thrilled to be eating is awesome. I know it isn't so much about us as the food itself, but hey. Just knowing that we have helped to provide that joy grants me so much happiness.

We didn't do much cooking today. We just cleaned, sorted, folded, and prepared ourselves for the time to come. Eventually, we did go to the other camp here and help them in the kitchen. They have guests currently in the off-season, and were short-handed. Jasper, Emily, and Tayler are the names of the other interns. If you're a believer in prayer, prayers for us would be amazing. If not, thoughts will do just fine. I think we have a great group. Though I haven't worked with Tayler yet, she seems wonderful. I pray that we lead well, and know when to follow. The community that will exist among the four of us will be unique. None of us work the same shift, but we all help each other and rely on each other. Tayler and I will overlap for a few hours a day. Jasper will float around between shifts, depending on the need. Emily is overseeing the dining hall. Without one of us, the meals won't happen. We are four parts of a whole that cannot function with just three. It's exciting. Our bosses are great, as well. Though, I haven't met one of them. I've heard good things.

The intern group as a whole is still awesome. We had some really great time last night around a bonfire sharing bits of our lives and our hopes for the summer with one another. And who can be mad at s'mores? This was after a day of scaling a mountain, visiting some beautiful landmarks called the painted hills, and overwhelming a small-town restaurant.

The view from Mt. Wagner.

The Painted Hills

By the way, I didn't realize how much of a Kansan I was until I was in an old Toyota truck driving up the side of a mountain at a grade that made me feel like I was going to flip over backwards. Terrifying. But the view from the top was incredible. I thought I might make it 24 hours before being taken completely out of my comfort zone, but that was not the case. I'm glad I had that experience, though. The interns now have things to laugh at me over.

All good things here. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I'll be back in my domain. Here's to Shenanigans that bring glory to God, and encourage relationships.

I want to see mountains again, Gandalf, mountains...

Well, I made it. If you don't know, I'm working at a Young Life camp in Antelope, OR this summer until August 31st. I'll be in the kitchen on the PM shift, praise the Lord. Truly. I wouldn't make it if I was on the AM. 

When I was offered the position, I accepted immediately and decided then that I would drive to Oregon. Why? I don't know. But that was my decision, and I stuck to that. If you have the ability and the opportunity to drive halfway across the country, do it. It's harder than you could imagine, and way more exciting than I thought it would be. I drove around 1,700 miles in the last three days. The first day I drove from Wichita to Ft. Collins, CO. I've done that drive multiple times, so it wasn't much of anything to me. I got to spend the night with Zach from Work Crew. We've been friends for four years. Crazy. So good to catch up with him.

The next day, I was driving from Ft. Collins to Boise, ID where I would be staying with a friend from Summer Staff at Malibu. That was the long day; it was about a 10.5 hour drive. I wasn't quite looking forward to it. However, once I started driving and I caught glimpse of those foothills and mountains (I drove in the day before in the dark) I started grinning, and I don't think I stopped for two hours. I love the mountains, so much. I don't know what it is about them, but they just captivate me. Driving to Boise, I stopped in Twin Falls, ID. I was planning on grabbing some dinner and killing a little time before coordinating with my friend in Boise. However, I crossed a beautiful canyon with the Snake River running through it... So, I got out at the scenic overhang. Then I read the map and noticed that there were two waterfalls nearby. With some crafty GPS-ing, and some questionably legal, semi-off-roading, I found a spot to take a picture of them. It was awesome. Well-worth it. It's hard for me to not be in awe when I see such wonderful creation, and know that the Creator of all of that is a god that loves us more than that gorgeous scene. 

Today I jumped in my car again and drove to the camp. Don't listen to your GPS when it takes you off the highways. I was on some kind of county road that was NOT intended for my Pontiac Grand Am for about 50 miles, and it took me about an hour and a half. Then the GPS abandoned me, so I was grateful for my map of Oregon. It was the sketchiest thing I think I have ever done. I will not be doing that again ever. So stressful. A cow tried to headbutt my car, I thought I was going to slip off the road and go careening down the mountain... It was just a rough time. 

But now I'm here. This place is stunning. The interns that are here already... woof. I'm already quite fond of them, and we hardly know each other. "Excited" doesn't begin to explain how I feel about this summer, the community that will exist here, the kids that will come through those gates, and the lives that will be changed - including my own. 

P.S. Forgive any typos. I'm exhausted and don't care to proofread this.